


mess is mine

by maverick24



Category: American Horror Story, American Horror Story: Roanoke
Genre: Angst, F/F, Shaudrey - Freeform, Slow Burn, give them a chance it’s worth it, love/hate/mostly love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-20
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2019-11-26 17:45:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 73,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18183764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maverick24/pseuds/maverick24
Summary: a post-Roanoke world in which our two drama queens survived.





	1. biting down

**Author's Note:**

> this is for my girl phoebe who fully got me aboard the shaudrey train, as well as all my other rabies that i love with my whole grinch heart ♥️ Enjoy!

Shelby sat at the end of her bed, toying with the zipper of one of many suitcases she’d just finished packing. In a daze, she silently tried to compose herself before her escort arrived to take her to her new living quarters for the next six months. Deep down, she knew it was the best thing she could do. Being in her empty apartment, alone with her thoughts and vivid memories was enough to drive anyone insane.  
  
Sanity. Such a fleeting concept.  
  
Before returning to the Roanoke house the second time, Shelby considered herself at least somewhat capable of maintaining a semblance of mental stability. She had a plan to get Matt back and as long as she had a fighting chance, she wouldn’t give up on their marriage. Now, the only memory she has of him is the horrific sound of his skull cracking and the inhuman noises that presumably came from her own body after his fate was sealed at her hands. Everything after that had been more of a nightmare than every night they were terrorized in that house combined. She’d felt lost in every sense with no idea how she didn’t end up serving life in prison after the undeniable evidence against her. The insanity plea seemed like a crock of shit at first, as she fought to convince her lawyers she wasn’t going to be that person. Yet the truth was, no matter how bad things got with Matt, she loved him deeply and fiercely. She’d never have done what she did in a clear state of mind. It was a crime of passion and her defense was able to successfully prove that to the court based on everything she’d been through. So instead of jail time, Shelby was required to stay with a designated guardian and go to mandatory therapy for six months, then receive a full psych evaluation before being released to live on her own again.

 

Never in her wildest fever dreams did she imagine being put on a plane to England, placed under the care of the only other person that survived the nightmare: Audrey Tindall.

 

“Absolutely not”, Shelby hissed at her lawyer when Audrey’s name was suggested as her potential temporary guardian.

 

Her lawyer, Will, closed his eyes and sighed, “Look, Shelby. I know she’s not your favorite person in the world but the fact is, you have no one else... No immediate family or friends that are alive or stable enough to pass the court’s requirements of guardianship. Her record is clear and, well, she’s the only other person alive that can truly empathize with what you’ve been through.”

 Shelby has her head down, two fingers on each temple, trying to ignore this conversation as best she can. “Okay, so let’s say I do agree to stay with that woman. She would never agree to it. Why would she? Yes, we survived together but that doesn’t change the fact that she completely despises my existence.”

 Will paused for a beat then said, “Actually, we’ve already spoken to Miss Tindall and she’s agreed to it. Your plane leaves tomorrow morning at 8am. I suggest you wrap your mind around your only shot at living outside windowless rooms for the rest of your young life and start packing.”

 Shelby, mouth agape and properly flustered, watched him leave the room and sat in shock for quite some time before willing herself to accept this evil twist of fate.

  
  
  
  
***  
  


Audrey paced at the front door of her gorgeous detached home nestled away on the outskirts of London. It had four bedrooms and two garages more than she actually needed, but she’d convinced herself she’d use the space for special projects or guests. It was a big house for one person and every once in a while after a few glasses of wine, she’d admit to her mother on the phone that she was lonely. No matter how unmatched she knew her and Rory were, she missed his presence and deeply grieved his brutal death. She had plenty of friends and colleagues, participated in lavish dinner parties on the weekends and regularly went on holiday with her girlfriends, but at the end of the day, Audrey still came back to this giant home alone. So when she got the unexpected call from Shelby’s lawyer, she was initially perturbed at the notion of babysitting a grown woman, but not altogether put off by at least having another warm body in her otherwise dormant home. It was a confusing concept, Shelby staying with her of all people. They weren’t exactly friends, to say the least. Up until surviving literal and absolute hell together, the two expressed nothing but disdain for one another. After police finally found them passed out from dehydration in the basement, the two hadn’t spoken since that fatal night at Roanoke.

 

She wouldn’t say she necessarily hated Shelby. She was more so indifferent towards her, considering her preconceived notions about her character. At the end of the day, Audrey needed money. Acting gigs had dried up after she had a full on mental breakdown during an audition shortly after Roanoke, and she’d had trouble getting auditions from then on. So when Will mentioned the hefty stipend that would come with just essentially keeping a grown woman alive for six months, she reluctantly agreed.

  
  
  
  
  
  
Shelby stared out at the misty England sky through the window of her cab. She felt like she was out of her body, floating above the bulky yellow car, watching herself head into an impossibly dreadful situation. She knew deep down that she needed help and that her mental health was in serious need of repair. But Audrey Tindall, really? Of all people to call her _guardian_ she never thought it’d be someone as pretentious and arrogant as her. Audrey treated her like scum that night. She was just trying to congratulate her on her recent marriage after all. Yet, as Shelby racked her brain on the exact verbiage she used, maybe she was being a bit condescending. Matt did always tell her she sometimes didn’t realize the implications of her word choices. _Matt._ She couldn’t think of him without losing the air in her lungs for a moment. She crossed her arms around herself in a tight hug, pulling her pea coat taut. Six months. She just had to get through six months of living with this woman, checking the boxes of the court-appointed therapy, and then she’d be free to start a new life and hopefully, _finally_ find peace.

  
  
  
  


Audrey peered out her window as she heard the cab pull into her gravel cul-de-sac driveway. Annoyed at her sweaty palms, she wiped them on her dress and opened the front door to greet her new guest with a civil amount of hospitality. After all, she was stuck with her for at least half a year, so she decided to try and make it as painless as possible.

 

Shelby hauled her suitcases out of the trunk of the cab, refusing help from the driver as she tipped him and waved him off to leave. She was _so sick_ of people coddling her. She could see Audrey approaching her from her peripheral but ignored her advancement. She didn’t need help, certainly not hers.

 

“You know, I have a butler that could take all of that up for you. No need to strain yourself”, Audrey said with a hint of sarcasm in her tone.

 

Shelby closed her eyes to gain her composure, breathed out a sigh and hissed, “I’m perfectly capable of getting it myself, thanks.”

 

Audrey scoffed, “Alright, whatever you say G.I. Jane. Your room will be the first on the left up the stairs. I’ll be in the kitchen preparing dinner. Fetch me if you need anything, I guess.”

 

Shelby murmured something sarcastic and Audrey rolled her eyes and headed back into the house. “What an ungrateful bitch”, she thought to herself. This was going to be absolutely dreadful and she didn’t have enough wine stocked in the cellar to manage it. She made a mental note to order a double batch next month to put up with her new, intolerable housemate.

  
  
  
  


A couple of hours later, after Shelby had settled into her room and changed into her yoga attire, she padded into the kitchen to fill up her water bottle. There she found Audrey sitting on a bar stool at the kitchen counter, flipping through a Vogue magazine whilst an in-house chef prepared a gourmet meal.

 

Shelby rolled her eyes at the sight and avoided eye contact with Audrey as she made her way to the refrigerator to access the built-in water filter.

 

Audrey immediately noticed her presence and would hate to admit how she fully examined Shelby’s tight-fitting workout clothes, from the skin-tight black pants to the light green crop top falling off her milky shoulder. Audrey has never defined her sexuality and found it sexist to do so. She took pride in being able to admire the attractiveness of the human form, regardless of gender. Yet she quickly brushed off the visual she just indulged in and made eye contact with the tall blonde.

 

“Don’t worry, all of this is fully organic, grass-fed and humane so you can save your activist speech”, Audrey spouted with impunity.

 

Shelby glared a hole through Audrey for several seconds before she declared, “I’m actually headed to a barre class downtown...just waiting for my cab and I’ll be out of your hair.” She only made eye contact with Audrey briefly before looking over to the chef and thanking him for his efforts.

 

Audrey rolled her eyes and took a sip of her Cabernet Sauvignon, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

 

Shelby breathed a heavy exhale and blurted out, “Let me make myself clear. You do _not_ have to do anything for me. I can take care of myself and I don’t need you catering to me. Pretend I’m not here. I know you’re not jazzed about me being here and guess what? I’d rather be anywhere else but under your roof. So let’s just call a spade a spade. l stay in my lane and you stay in yours and this can be as painless as possible, got it?”

 

Audrey stared back at her, eyebrows raised, wine up to her lips coupled with a smirk, “Well okay then, cap’n. Whatever you say.”

 

Shelby gave her one last glare before declaring, “My ride’s here. Do you have a spare key or should I sneak up the the vines to my room?”

 

Audrey rolled her eyes, reached into her pocket and slid a silver key across the kitchen island. “Don’t lose it because you’re terribly mistaken if you think I’m making another spare. The alarm code is 0310.”

 

Shelby snatched the key and with a short “thanks”, waltzed out the front door, yoga mat tightly under her arm.

  
  


Later that night, Shelby opened the front door to a series of low-pitched beeps. She forgot about the alarm and went into panic mode to find the box and enter the code Audrey gave her. After finally finding it and punching in the code, she breathed out a sigh of relief that she didn’t wake her housemate, and headed to the fridge in search of fuel for her grumbling stomach.

 

As she approached the refrigerator she noticed a handwritten note and plucked it from the magnet holding it in place.

 

_Shelby,_

 

_There’s leftovers on the top shelf - AGAIN the ingredients are fully organic and grass-fed, so don’t have a fit. Eat them or not, I couldn’t care less._

 

_I’ve also placed clean towels in your bathroom if you’re inclined to shower after your filthy yoga session._

 

_I’ll be leaving for an audition around 7 in the morning so if you need anything call for Jasper the butler._

 

_night,_

_Audrey_

 

Shelby couldn’t help the smirk that formed at the edge of her mouth as she crinkled the note and tossed it in the trash. As much as she’d decided Audrey was a heartless, selfish bitch, she secretly appreciated the sentiment of the note. As she popped the leftovers into the microwave, she slowly plucked the note out of the bin and re-read it with a chuckle in her throat.

 

As she thumbed the crinkled piece of paper in her hand, the optimistic part of herself thought maybe the next six months wouldn’t be so bad after all. Yet at the same time, the wounded, damaged part of Shelby Miller conceded to keep her guard up around the enigma that was Audrey Tindall for as long as she possibly could in the interest of self preservation.

  
  
  
  
  



	2. swingin party

A biting, mist-filled wind greeted Shelby as she left the house for an early morning run, desperate to clear her mind of its demons until her lungs gave out and she was forced to cohabitate with them again. She hissed out a “fuck!” as soon as the chill hit her underdressed body and she cursed herself for not packing appropriately for England weather. Yet she refused to go back inside and ask Audrey for a jacket. Her pride was sky high and she wanted to _need_ Audrey as little as possible. So she gritted her teeth, closed her eyes for a moment and turned up her music to block out the physical discomfort. She’d be warm soon enough. Pulling up her GPS so she could navigate the unfamiliar neighborhood, she jogged out to the sidewalk and hit her stride to Metallica’s “Enter Sandman”, disappearing into the fog.

 

Waking to the rumbles of thunder outside her bedroom window, Audrey glanced over at her alarm clock that read 6:06am _._ She hadn’t slept deeply, but it was nothing new. Constantly on alert, she spent most of her nights waiting for ghosts to return and tear away what was left of herself. Where did the nightmares end and her consciousness begin? When would she ever truly be able to live without hearing the blood-curdling screams of death or tasting the metallic flavor of her own blood? She squeezed her sleep-deprived eyes shut and let out a long exhale. This wasn’t going to defeat her. Life had to be lived and she refused to allow evil to take that from her like it took her Rory. Every day after she’d stepped back into her empty home felt like a sick, cosmic joke. It’s not that she believed Rory was her soulmate, but she did love him. He helped fill a void that kept her from truly living in her own mind for too long. That’s when her self-deprecating thoughts were the loudest, when she allowed herself to be alone with them. To everyone she knew, she was the embodiment of confidence, poise and elegance. However, when left to her own devices, Audrey was still that insecure little girl, seeking her father’s approval. Shaking those thoughts from her aching skull, she willed herself up and into the shower, attempting to at least temporarily rinse away the sorrow.

 

 

Shelby could see her breath as she laced her hands behind her head and opened up her chest to receive as much oxygen as she could after what felt like a marathon sprint. She’d forgotten how to pace herself for these runs and ended up just dead-sprinting until her body physically couldn’t go any further. She knew better. Cross-country running was her best sport in high school and college and the athlete in her knew a good pace was superior to a fast burnout any day. Yet, her logical mind seemed to be overridden by her primal brain more often than not these days. She was in survival mode, trying to stay above water just long enough to feel _anything._ Pushing her body to sheer exhaustion was her drug of choice as she fought to keep control of _something_ in her life. Using her middle and ring finger, she closed her eyes to check the pulse in her wrist. It was an obsessive compulsive habit she’d started somewhere between the brushes with death, and became the only way she could remind herself that her heart was still beating. She still had hot blood coursing through her veins, pumping through her body making her a living, breathing human being. Otherwise, she struggled to tether herself to her own body, feeling like nothing more than a hollow, empty shell of a person.

***

As Audrey pulled up to her audition, she felt the onset of a migraine creeping into her frontal lobe. This job was a favor from a friend in the industry and, deep down, she knew there wasn’t a snowflake’s chance in hell she’d get it. Her pride told her she was too good for it but the truth was she wasn’t ready to act again. Acting required the ability to carve out a piece of yourself and replace it with a new persona, and she was already doing that in her personal life. She was grasping at fragments of who she used to be and desperately trying to glue them into the person she once was. Maybe that person would never re-emerge. She was living day to day, moment to moment at this point, hoping the real Audrey Tindall would see the light of day again. Until then, she was a master at creating the facade of a well put together woman of the arts. So she took in a deep breath, filling up her diaphragm as acting school had taught her, and waltzed into the building like the part was already hers.

  


Later that afternoon, Shelby stood at the kitchen island preparing a salad from the assortment of ingredients she was able to throw together from the refrigerator. As she cut up the arugula, she heard the front door slam and jumped slightly at the sound. Audrey rounded the corner in a huff, but once she noticed Shelby standing there startled, she redirected her irritation to the woman in front of her.

 

“Oh hey there, jumpy! No need to work yourself up, it’s only me for heaven’s sake”, Audrey smirked as Shelby rolled her eyes and tried her best to ignore her chiding remarks.

 

As Audrey walked passed her to grab a glass from the cabinet, she noticed Shelby white-knuckling the knife in her hand.

 

“Jesus, I’m only joking. Are you even allowed near sharp objects at this point or do I need to have them all removed from the house?” At that, Shelby closed her eyes and let out a slow exhale, willing herself not to snap. Audrey noticed this, but decided she’d already given the woman enough hell for the time being, so she held back from further teasing.

 

Shelby refused to stoop to Audrey’s level. Just because she played her in a wildly exaggerated version of herself, did not mean she even came close to knowing anything about her. How dare she act like she had any clue who she was or what her capabilities were?

 

“So, how’d your audition go? Anything worth watching?”, Shelby asked, trying to convey as little sarcasm as possible but failing miserably.

 

Audrey looked up from her now full glass of water, utilizing her acting ability to shield the sheer disappointment the audition turned out to be. She paused for maybe a second too long, cleared her throat and said, “It just wasn’t the right fit...dreadfully written and underdeveloped characterization. Can’t win them all I suppose…”

 

At that, Shelby looked up to find a morose look in Audrey’s deep brown eyes as she stared into the glass of ice water in her hand. She’d hit a nerve, and as much as she’d like to twist the knife in her clearly open wound, she decided against adding to her suffering.

 

“There’ll be more parts you know”, Shelby said, attempting to show compassion to the woman she’d otherwise felt didn’t deserve an ounce of her sympathy. She had to admit that she never thought she’d see right through her this soon, but she couldn’t help but feel the disappointment and insecurity radiating from Audrey’s otherwise confident body language. Shelby then realized she’d developed involuntary empathy for the older women and cursed herself for it. This would be so much easier if there were no emotion involved whatsoever. So she invoked all of her best coping mechanisms and tried her best to stuff those feelings down to the deepest, darkest parts of her subconscious mind. Maybe that would work this time like it had in the past. _Maybe._

 

Looking back into sincere blue eyes, — _had her eyes always been that all-consuming?_ — Audrey picked up on her housemate’s reluctance and chuckled. “You don’t have to feel sorry for me you know.”

 

Shelby shook her head in mild shock at her bold words as she went back to slicing vegetables, but before she could protest, Audrey beat her to it. “Seems as though Roanoke managed to fuck up my life as well as my career in one fell swoop. If only Sidney were still around so we had someone to blame.”

 

Knowing the weight of her words, Audrey turned her head and stared blankly out the kitchen window, as if the cure to all of her agony and sorrow lay just on the other side on the glass.

 

Shelby hadn’t missed Audrey’s use of the word “ _we”_ and her immediate instinct was to become defensive. _As if what they’d gone through was the same in any way?_ she thought. She’d lived through that hell not once but _twice,_  and also happened to be the reason her own husband met his demise. Their experience was in no way the same in Shelby’s mind. Yet, as she looked up in Audrey’s direction, she caught a glimpse of a picture frame sitting on the windowsill. It was a photo of Audrey and her deceased husband, presumably on their wedding day, undeniably beaming with joy. Shelby’s heart sank. Despite their different experiences, they were both grieving.

 

“I...I’m sorry for you loss.” Audrey’s eyes narrowed as she faced Shelby again and scoffed at the sentiment.

 

“No, I really am, Audrey.” Shelby was truly being sincere in her condolences and was determined to find the words to communicate that at least. “I never had the chance to really say that after everything that happened...you know with the whole running-for-our-lives from homicidal ghosts thing...and that psychotic bitch Agnes.”

 

At that Audrey choked on her water and coughed a few times with laughter as she was taken aback by Shelby’s light-hearted joke that she did _not_ expect.

 

_Were they allowed to joke about it yet? How soon was too soon?_

 

Shelby chuckled back and suddenly the tension in the room had lifted. Both women made eye contact again for a few seconds, as if to communicate their mutual agreement that it was indeed _okay_ to laugh in this moment. It was something that only the two of them could uniquely experience together, even if they hadn’t both quite vocalized it. They knew. No one else could relate and it was a tragic connection that would bond them for life whether they liked it or not.

 

They moved around the kitchen in silence for quite some time, until Audrey announced that she needed to “cleanse herself of the smell of cheap cologne and dreadfully boring personalities” at her audition and went to take another shower. Shelby scoffed at her dramatics, but couldn’t help the smallest grin that crept across her lips after the older woman made her way upstairs. Shelby made sure to clean up after herself, because no matter where she was, she wasn’t going to act like a complete slob in someone else’s home. She felt like her once clear definition of morality had become so blurred and intangible, that even the smallest actions of selflessness were a positive step back in the direction of the person she wanted to be.

  
***

Therapy wasn’t altogether as useless as Shelby originally thought, but she’d be lying to herself if she wasn’t counting the sessions until she had met her quota.

 

Something about a complete stranger trying to even contemplate what was going on in the labyrinth of her mind was laughable. Her therapist was a kind woman in her mid-fifties, with gray hair and a warm smile surrounded by endearing laugh lines. She listened well and never pressured Shelby to share more than she was willing to give. It’d been two weeks since they’d started their sessions and things seemed to remain pretty surface level. Until today.

 

“So who have you been unpacking your thoughts with in your personal life? Any close friends or family members you feel you can process things with?”

Shelby wrung her hands together, playing with the rings on her fingers, hoping to somehow find the answers under one of them.

“Um, no I—I don’t really have anyone here. I have a couple of friends back home I haven’t really kept in touch with, and my younger sister but she’s just nineteen, I’d never want to burden her with...well the truth is I don’t want to dwell on the past anymore. I’m done letting it seep into my life, let alone the lives of the few people I care about.”

Her therapist just nodded her head but allowed silence to settle between them. Shelby understood her tactics by now, and knew the silence was a tool she was using to get her to process her thoughts and eventually elaborate. So she just sat there and shrugged, unwilling to give into her game.

 

“What about the woman you’ve been assigned to stay with? It’s my understanding you both experienced at least part of your trauma together?” Shelby winced and darted her eyes away from the soft face looking back at her, knowing exactly where she was going.

“Maybe she could be someone to confide in for the time being?” Shelby took her bottom lip into her mouth and shook her head.

“No. _No_. She...I didn’t choose this arrangement. Honestly, I’m not even sure why she did to tell you the truth. We couldn’t be more different.”

She could see the skepticism and concern in the woman’s eyes. Shelby looked up at the ceiling with a sigh and could see where this was going. If she couldn’t provide evidence of “expressing her feelings” to someone outside this office, these therapy sessions could drag on for much longer than she could stand.

“I just think…” the doctor began but Shelby cut her off, “Okay, fine, yes. Fine. I’ll _try_ and talk to her but I’m not making any promises _whatsoever_ that it will go well.”

 

***

 

When Shelby finally arrived back at the house, she was going over the plan she’d come up with on the ride home to ask Audrey to help her fulfill the assignment she begrudgingly agreed to from her therapist. By the end of the ride, she’d decided she was overthinking it. It didn’t have to go beyond a surface level conversation and if she was being honest, she didn’t want it to be anything more than that. Tearing her heart open to let Audrey sew it shut wasn’t something she could imagine ending well. The amount of vulnerability it would require was far too much to fathom, let alone provoke. No, she’d simply start a casual conversation and see where it went from there. Audrey was a lot of things, but she wasn’t the enemy, and at this point Shelby had no other viable options.

 

As she made her way into the house and passed the kitchen to go find Audrey, she noticed something oddly familiar in her peripheral on the kitchen counter. As she backed up to examine the object, it became increasingly clear what it was and Shelby became blind with rage. Her shaking hand held a bottle of Clozapine, a prescribed anti-psychotic medication. Just when she thought she could possibly trust Audrey, now she’d gone through her things and maliciously mocked her issues by putting it out on display for her to find, taunting her. She shoved the pill bottle in the pocket of her wool sweater and swiftly wiped away the tears that stung her eyes and defiantly fell down her cheeks.

 

She was going to kill that bitch.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> really appreciate everyone’s feedback so far - means a lot! these two are more complex than i’d ever imagined and im excited to keep this journey up with y’all ;)


	3. still sane

She knew she was being irrational.

 

There were so many options for how she could handle her emotions, but Shelby’s once rational consciousness had been sitting on the sidelines for quite some time now. She often felt like she was watching herself from the outside looking in; judging her own temperament and lack of control. _Her weakness_. But no matter how hard she tried to break through and shake the shell of herself that was currently living out in the world, her efforts were futile every time. The broken, rage-filled part of her always seemed to prevail and it was terribly exhausting to her psyche. It was difficult to determine which part of her would win in the end, and how many bridges she would burn along the way. _How long could she helplessly watch her own self-destruction? How long until she’d fully succumb to the seductive darkness, itching to claim her heart and mind for good?_

 

As she climbed the stairs to find Audrey’s room, vicious words raced through her mind and she couldn’t wait to experience the release that would come from letting them spew. Once she reached her bedroom, she knocked aggressively and shouted through the door, “Audrey?! _Open the door._ I’m not fucking around!”

 

As she continued to pound her fist, the door flew open to reveal a red-eyed blonde in a fluffy white robe.

 

_It’s 2 o’clock in the afternoon. Was she sleeping?_

 

Before giving Audrey a chance to speak, Shelby spat, “Listen I don’t know what your game is, but I’d really fucking appreciate it if you didn’t go through my things and try and fuck with my head for your own sick idea of a _joke_.”

 

Audrey wrinkled her brow and opened her mouth to speak but Shelby cut her off, “Look I know you are just _so put together_ that you’d never need pills to get through the day but it does not make me _weak_ okay - I don't even take them every day and I’ll have you know…” Now Audrey was the one to cut her off.

 

“Shelby...SHELBY! For Christ’s sake, will you calm down and tell me what the HELL you’re going on about?!”

 

The taller blonde scoffed, shoving her hand into her pocket and pulled out the pill bottle she’d found on the counter earlier. “ _This_ is what I’m talking about,” she said as she thrust the item into Audrey’s face, willing her to feel the pain she’d caused with her actions.

 

She squinted her eyes incredulously, and as soon as she realized what they were she pinched the bridge of her nose and let out a huffed sigh. “Shelby…”

 

“No, you know what? I really don’t care what you have to say. Just leave me and my things the fuck alone until…”

 

“ _Read the label_ ”, Audrey said, calmer than she might’ve in the past.

 

Shelby scoffed and spat, “I know exactly what it is I...” As she looked down to mockingly glance at the bottle, she stopped her rant and froze. _Audrey Tindall._ They were _hers._

 

Dumbfounded and completely embarrassed, Shelby closed her eyes for a second to work out in her head what the appropriate, civil response to this should be. All she could muster was, “I...I didn’t know. I’m sorry I...” and before she finished her sentence, she shoved the pill bottle into Audrey’s hand, darted to her room and slammed the door behind her.

 

Audrey stood in the doorway of her bedroom, pills in hand, somber look on her face. She looked down at the bottle. Popping the cap, she spilled a couple tablets into her hand and dry swallowed them before shutting the door and returning to her dark bedroom.

 

***

 

Later that evening, Audrey begrudgingly woke to her growling stomach. She’d began to despise her body’s need for fuel, acting as nothing but sheer inconvenience to her existence at this point. She pulled on some knee-length yoga pants and a (wildly overpriced) striped tank top, dropped some Visine into her bloodshot eyes and headed downstairs into the kitchen. As she descended the stairs, she was greeted with an enticing aroma drifting from the kitchen. _I didn’t schedule the cook for tonight?_

 

Rounding the corner, Audrey stepped onto the cool tile of the kitchen and stopped abruptly. _Shelby._

 

Looking up from the onions she’d been slicing, eyes slightly watering, Shelby gave her a small smile and shrug. She was nervous about this gesture of apology, making Audrey dinner was such a gamble in so many ways. _What did she eat? Was she vegan or vegetarian? Allergic to anything?_ Yet, Shelby was determined to try. No matter how she felt about Audrey, she was wrong to accuse her of something so vile. _What kind of psychopath would jump to those conclusions before asking questions?_ She needed to show her that she was capable of being a decent human being.

 

“Hi”, Shelby finally said sheepishly. “I threw together some things I found in the refrigerator to make spaghetti and meatballs - but don’t worry, I made the sauce and meatballs separately in case you don’t eat meat. Oh, and the pasta is gluten-free, in case you…” Audrey finally came down from the shock and interjected, “Bloody hell, are you always this meticulous?! It is just _food_ for pete’s sake.” Shelby whipped her head to catch Audrey’s eyes, making sure she read her tone correctly and caught mischievous eyes and a tiny grin.

 

_She’s joking. That’s a good sign._

 

“I suppose it’s a rather welcomed change from the Chilean sea bass chef insists on making every Friday night—gets awfully boring after a while”, Audrey said over her shoulder as she reached into the cabinet to grab her wine glass. She looked over at Shelby, pensively, and finally said, “Do you like red?”

 

Shelby’s eyes widened as she stuttered, “Yes but, I-I really shouldn’t with…”

 

“With the medication?” Audrey said with a laugh, “You really are such a rule follower, aren’t you?”

 

Shelby opened her mouth to protest but before she could get a word out, Audrey decided to throw her a lifeline, “Listen, as we both know now, I’ve been taking these meds long enough to know the label is merely a _suggestion_. I mean, I’m still alive, aren’t I?”

 

At this point, Shelby knew arguing was futile. Audrey had a skilled tongue for winning arguments. She knew from experience. And if she were being honest with herself, she’d love to wind down with a glass of dry red, especially after today.

 

And if she were being even _more_ honest with herself, she’d have to admit that the elegance and charm of Audrey’s British accent made it even harder to say no.

 

So, begrudgingly, Shelby nodded her head in agreement. Audrey, visibly pleased with herself, grabbed a second glass and poured a generous amount of wine in both tumblers. As she walked over and handed Shelby her glass, she hesitantly asked, “Can I help you with anything?” Shelby took a sip of her wine and eyed the woman across the kitchen island from her. “No, it’s fine. I’m almost done.”

 

Audrey sighed out dramatically, “Oh, thank GOD because I was only being polite. I’m not one for domestic activities.” Shelby rolled her eyes and faked shock, “You’re kidding?!” Audrey just rolled her eyes back and took a healthy swig of her wine.

 

After she finished preparing the salad and dressing, Shelby brought all of the food over to the kitchen table and added the necessary utensils. Audrey managed to bring herself to set out the plates and silverware, and pour herself another glass of wine. The two women enjoyed their meal in relative silence, until Shelby decided to finally say what they were both thinking.

 

“Look, Audrey...”, Shelby said as she finished her last sip of wine. Audrey met piercing blue eyes as she prepared herself to receive the sentiment.

 

Shelby continued, “What happened earlier I...I was completely and utterly out of line. I jumped to conclusions too quickly and...well, you didn’t deserve that. I let my preconceived notions about you get in the way and just...I was blind once I’d decided you were out to get me. I’m sorry. I really am.”

 

A short but measured lull filled the air between them. Audrey examined Shelby’s face for a moment, noticing the swelling of her lower eyelids. _She’d been crying all day._ Her hair was pulled back halfway, with long bangs framing her prominent jawline. She wore very little makeup and what looked like cherry chapstick on her lips. _Shelby Miller was kind of crazy, and very beautiful._

 

“It’s fine, Shelby,” Audrey said flatly, sipping more of her nearly finished beverage.

 

Shelby shook her head, unwilling to accept that it was _fine_ because it was nowhere near _fine_. She opened her mouth to protest but Audrey stopped her, “Shelby. If that’s the worst you do to me while you’re here, I think we’ll be okay.”

 

Pursing her lips together, Shelby relented and shook her head to affirm Audrey’s statement. She also took the opportunity to examine her countenance.  _Had Audrey softened? After everything?_ She traced the rim of her empty wine glass and contemplated the notion while eyeing the older woman. _She seems different. Not as callous, but not exactly soft._ Maybe the loss and bloodshed affected her differently. Her silver tongue would say otherwise, but she could see it in her striking brown eyes that Audrey Tindall may have cracks in her armor, too.

 

A few more moments of pensive silence passed between them before Shelby got up to clear to table, insisting she could take care of it herself. Again, Audrey didn’t argue with turning down manual labor, so she opened another bottle of wine, grabbing both her and Shelby's empty glasses, and took them into the living room with her. There she flopped down on the three-seater sofa and reached for the stereo remote on the side table. As she pressed play, the soulful strum of a guitar buzzed through the speakers of the sound system, filling the house with Tracy Chapman’s “Give Me One Reason”. Refilling both glasses of wine on the coffee table, she called out to the kitchen, “Christ, leave the dishes for tomorrow and come relax for a moment, would you?”

 

Loading the last plate into the dishwasher, Shelby rolled her eyes with a smirk and headed to join her demanding companion in the living area. Hearing one of her favorite songs as she entered, she immediately felt a sense of calm she hadn’t experienced in days. She spotted the second glass of wine on the table that Audrey had poured. Her first thought was to protest, but _what the hell_. What’s one night with two glasses of wine going to do to her that’s worse than she’s been feeling? As she walked over to sit on the couch, she involuntarily _noticed_ Audrey for what she thinks is the first time since she'd met her. Her defenses were down, and her black bra strap had fallen down her arm. She hadn’t seemed to notice. Shelby watched as she closed her eyes and rocked side to side, swaying to the music.

 _She was mesmerizing_.

Maybe it was this new, laid back version of the normally prudish woman, but Shelby couldn’t help but examine the way she bit her lower lip after she took a sip of her wine, or how she craned her neck to presumably try and relieve some tension.

 

Noticing her presence, Audrey leaned over to grab Shelby’s glass of wine and hand it to her. “Cheers”, she said, as she raised her glass to meet the younger blonde’s. Shelby flicked her eyebrows up in affirmation, briefly hesitating before she curled both her legs up under herself to get more comfortable. _Who is this woman and what had she done with Audrey Tindall?_ She took a generous sip of her wine and allowed her shoulders to relax for the first time since she’d stepped into this house. Of all the ways this dreadful day could have ended, she truly never expected this. As she looked over at the woman next to her, completely in her own world, mouthing the words to “Fast Car” _,_ she decided it was as good a time as ever to have _the_ talk. With a sharp exhale and another generous swig of her drink, she turned to face Audrey, propping her arm up on the back of the couch, holding the side of her head in her hand.

 

“Audrey?”

 

“Hmm?” the older blonde hummed out, eyes still closed, swaying to the music.

 

“Do you ever...think about it?”, Shelby asked. _Of course she fucking thinks about it._

 

Taking a few seconds to collect her thoughts and decipher what she meant by “it”, Audrey’s face twisted into something more serious and contemplative than Shelby had seen all night. “Yes”, she answered simply, eyes filled with melancholy and honesty. “Every second of the day, I think.” Shelby couldn’t bring herself to interrupt, sensing the cogs turning in Audrey’s head, slowly coaxing more thoughts from her chaotic mind.

 

“It comes in waves, you know? Sometimes it’s just images of...Rory.” Shelby winced. “Other times it’s the Polks and Monet’s screams...or anytime I eat a steak that’s too rare…”

 

She looked over at Shelby and chuckled, but her eyes exposed her deep sorrow. Shelby hoped she didn’t notice the tears that began to pool in her own. Audrey continued, “I sleep during the day because I’m too afraid of what the night brings. All I can see when I close my eyes is that fucking _blood moon_ and all the carnage that came with it.” She wiped a stray tear and looked down into her nearly empty glass.

 

Shelby refused to interrupt her own contemplation with any of her selfish input. _If there’s anything this whole nightmare taught her, it was to be a little more altruistic._ Several moments went by, both women slowly sipping their wine until Audrey turned her body to face the younger woman at her side.

 

“What about you? I mean...if you want to talk about it, that is”, Audrey said without her signature notes of sarcasm. Shelby took a final sip of her drink and set it on the coffee table, preparing herself to open a gaping wound that was nowhere near healed.

 

“Yeah, I—it feels like it’s consumed my life.”

Shaking her head to calibrate her thoughts, she continued, “My mind _never stops_. I am _always_ thinking about...what I could have done differently to…” She hadn’t noticed tears dampening both of her cheeks until she looked up to see Audrey’s furrowed brow.

 

She stopped to close her eyes and take a breath. _God you’re so fucking weak you can’t get through one sentence without bawling like a child._ Then she felt a soft, warm touch on both of her cheeks. Slowly fluttering her eyes open, she realized Audrey had reached up to wipe away her tears, lightly cupping her face with her hands. Shelby didn’t know what to do with this uncharacteristic show of affection, so she avoided eye contact and leaned back to wipe the remaining tears herself. Audrey wasn’t offended by the retraction. She simply dropped her hands into her lap and said, “You don’t have to say anymore. I understand.”

 

Shelby sniffed and nodded her head quickly, doing her best to brush off the emotion of the moment. She was still thoroughly confused by Audrey’s change of temperament, but she had to admit, she wasn’t complaining. Maybe it was the wine, but she liked this side of her, regardless of the cause or how long she’d stay.

 

“Did I ever tell you about the first time I met Sidney?” Audrey said, sensing a need to ease the tension a bit.

 

Shelby shook her head as she adjusted her body to get more comfortable, laying her head on the back of the couch, relieved at the change of subject.

 

Audrey continued, “Well, first of all, he thought I was _Katy fucking Perry_.” Shelby let out a snort, raising her eyebrows as she silently urged Audrey to continue.

 

So Audrey proceeded to detail the story for her, over-dramatizing much of it and giving as many ridiculous details as possible. Several minutes went by before she was finally done, tears in her own eyes from laughing at her own story. Wiping her face with the back of her hand, she opened her mouth to say something to Shelby, but stopped herself once she caught a glimpse of the young blonde at her side. She wasn’t sure how long ago Shelby had dozed off, but she was slightly offended that she’d missed the best part of her story.

 

Smirking to herself, she maneuvered off the couch in such a way that wouldn’t disturb the sleeping woman next to her. She then walked over to retrieve a fur blanket from a chest on the other side of the room. As gently as she could, she draped it over Shelby as she continued her deep slumber. Despite herself, Audrey cracked a rather content smile as she gazed down at her unlikely companion, looking more peaceful than she’d ever seen her. She gathered the empty wine bottle and glasses and took them into the kitchen, switching off the lights as she went. Before she ventured upstairs to attempt sleep for the night, she walked back into the living room to check on her housemate one more time. The blanket had fallen down her shoulder, so she reached over to pull it back up. She could still see the tracks of the tears that’d spilled not too long ago. _Was this empathy she was feeling? For Shelby Miller?_ Maybe.

 

Switching off the last lamp on the side table, she found herself reaching over to brush a stray hair out of the sleeping woman’s face, tucking it behind her ear. As she finally made her way up to her bedroom, she found herself ruminating over what the next six months would look like and if the woman on her couch was everything she thought she was, or something else entirely.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew - these two are literally taking over my life in the best way. i hope you're enjoying where im taking them so far. any and all feedback is appreciated! also feel free to come scream w me about all things raulson on twitter @ashwagaga


	4. what’s goin’ on in that beautiful mind?

_my head’s underwater_

_but i’m breathing fine_

_you’re crazy and i’m_

_out of my mind_

* * *

 

Vigorous waves crashed over her relentlessly. Ice cold saltwater stung her eyes and lungs as she breathlessly fought to reach the surface for just a taste of oxygen. Allowing only seconds of relief to her lungs, monstrous waves were back with a vengeance, pulling her under like a helpless child. _Helpless. Always helpless._ She held her breath for what felt like an eternity, as the sea continued to claim her body, taking custody of her free will, tossing her around at it’s own merciless delight. Thrashing frantically, water continued to find it’s way down her throat, salt scraping her esophagus on the way down. _She was tired_. Tremors began to take over her body as the waves continued to beat her down, tirelessly determined to snuff out her will to fight. Vision blurring, she finally slowed her movements as the waves simultaneously stopped. _Swim. Just swim._ Her limbs were not responding to her brain’s signal to survive, worn out from fighting for so long. She was sinking. The ocean was winning as it’s water began to fill her lungs, first through her nose, then her open mouth that she couldn’t keep clamped down a second longer. She couldn’t fight the force of such a gargantuan enemy any longer, so she allowed it to consume her. 

 

“Shelby…Shelby, darling…”, Audrey whispered as she nudged the younger woman, soaked in sweat, jerking her head back and forth on the couch.

 After several minutes, Shelby finally shot up with a gut-wrenching gasp that sent chills down Audrey’s spine. As she caught her breath, she realized both her hands were wrapped around slender wrists, leaving behind white imprints of her damp fingers as she slowly removed them. Blinking the tears out of her eyes, she began to register where she was and who had just pulled her from her nightmare. She couldn’t manage words at the moment. Killer saltwater might as well have continued to occupy her lungs because normal breathing patterns were currently unattainable.

 Audrey ignored the sting left behind on her wrists, and sat patiently as Shelby finally calmed down. Troubled blue eyes met dark chocolate pools of concern.

 “Are you alright?”, Audrey asked quietly.

 Shelby felt completely exposed, like Audrey had just found her way into a deep cave of vulnerability no one had ever been around to explore. She curled her legs up to her chest, hugging herself tightly as she tried her best to shrink.

 Realizing she wasn’t ready to talk, Audrey went into the kitchen to get her a glass of water. When she returned, she noticed Shelby had put her feet on the ground and tied her hair up into a messy bun.

 “Thank you”, Shelby said as Audrey handed her the cold beverage. She started to drink it and couldn’t stop. Audrey watched her down the entire glass with raised eyebrows and a small smirk, “Thirsty I see”.

 Shelby shook her head but didn’t make eye contact.

 “Bad dream?”, Audrey said, trying her best to sound casual and unconcerned.

 In a daze, Shelby eventually registered the question and replied, “Yeah. Same one every night just about.” She immediately regretted giving that intimate detail and bit her bottom lip in frustration.

 “What was it?”, Audrey said, surprising even herself with the probing question.

 Shelby closed her eyes and hugged herself once more. Should she divulge this part of herself to Audrey? She’d seen a different side of her last night, but she was still an enigma of a woman. It was still hard to forget the past hurts and their current circumstances. Were they friends? Enemies? She still couldn’t figure out what Audrey had to gain from having her stay here.

 After much internal debate, Shelby finally gave in, lightly chipping away at the wall between them once more.

 “Drowning”, she muttered, pausing to formulate her thoughts in the mess that was her mind. Audrey sat quietly, folding her leg up onto the couch in order to face the taller blonde a little more.

 “It always starts as a beautiful day at the beach. The sun’s setting, and I’m just floating...completely peaceful and in harmony with the cool breeze and sea life beneath me. It was always my happy place...ever since I was a child.” She looked down at her hands and began to play with the ring on her thumb, seeking some kind of reprieve. “...and then, all of a sudden, the sun is gone and the sky is pitch black. It’s _so dark._ I can’t even see my hands in front of my face. Then these waves just come out of thin air and start to terrorize me. I’m flipping under the current, gasping for breath, doing everything I can to get above water but...eventually I just get tired and stop fighting…” She pauses to quickly shake her head, doing her best to calibrate her psyche, pleading with the darkness to leave her conscious mind alone for just a little while.

 Audrey notices the way Shelby’s features grow anxious and troubled. She can almost visualize the internal struggle the younger woman is experiencing; taking inventory of what’s real and what’s just a sick hallucination imitating reality, determined to rob her of any semblance of lucidity.

 “Every night since…”, Audrey asks, doing her best to tread lightly, refusing to give a name to their shared nightmare.

 Shelby nods, “Just about.”

 A long silence passed between them, filled with unspoken apologies and sporadic flashes of everything that could have been. Before hell swallowed them up and spit them out.

 Audrey examined Shelby carefully before she asked,”Do you have therapy today? Or some dreadful exercise class or anything?”

 Shelby looked up at the older woman skeptically, “Uhm...no I have a session tomorrow and Wednesday. I was probably going to go for a run a little later...why?”

 Without changing her expression, Audrey promptly got up from the couch and said, “Right, well, can you be dressed in, let’s say, 20 minutes?”

 “For what? I…” Shelby said with confusion, and a hint of defiance.

 “Oh Christ, look, I’m not going to drive you out in the middle of nowhere and murder you, okay? Besides, I haven’t got the upper body strength to dispose of your body properly anyway,” Audrey said flippantly.

 Shelby scoffed, rolling her eyes with a smirk. “I wouldn’t put it passed you…”, she said under her breath. Audrey ignored the dig and huffed impatiently, “You need to get the hell out of this house and do something other than run in circles or visit the bland walls of your shrink’s office. I’m leaving in fifteen minutes. If you’re interested in being slightly less miserable, you’ll meet me outside. Wear something...outdoorsy. Actually…your usual hippie attire should be fine”, and with that Audrey was headed upstairs to change.

 Rubbing her temples, Shelby went over every reason why she’d rather get her ankle bashed in for the third time than be stuck in a car heading to an unknown location with Audrey. _Audrey Tindall: Vapid Actress._ Shelby chuckled out loud at the thought. As much as she hated to admit it, she was becoming stir crazy in this house. What’s the worst that could happen? Part of her was still very untrusting of Audrey, but she couldn’t ignore the energy she’d been experiencing from the woman recently. So, too tired to argue with Audrey about why she shouldn’t go, she stalked up the stairs to take a quick shower and get dressed for this mystery outing.

 

***

 

Waiting out front in a billowy, knee-length lavender sundress, Audrey couldn’t hide the small smirk curled into the corner of her mouth when she saw Shelby walking up to meet her. She wore faded cut-off jean shorts, a white tank top covered with an unbuttoned blue and yellow flannel, with Birkenstock sandals on her feet. Audrey gave her a quick once over, feigning annoyance at the wardrobe choice, irritated by how good she looked.

 Glancing up at Audrey standing by the driver’s side of her Range Rover, Shelby deadpanned, “Wait are _you_ driving?”

 Audrey rolled her eyes, “Well, you’d better believe I’m not letting _you_ behind the wheel—bloody Americans driving on the wrong side of the road…”, she muttered as she got into the vehicle and slammed the door behind her. Shelby fought back a smile as she opened the passenger side door and slid inside.

 

 They drove in relative silence for the duration of the drive, with Audrey intermittently singing along to her David Bowie playlist. Shelby stared out the window, taking in the sights of the unfamiliar territory. It was more beautiful than she could have imagined. Movies and television painted London and it’s surrounding cities as gloomy and colorless. Yet, the old trees and the lush greenery were such a gorgeous sight to see, especially to Shelby, who felt deeply connected to and invigorated by nature. It was the one environment that made her feel calm and grounded, even if those feelings were still fleeting. Every now and then she would snap out of her daydream to look over at Audrey, truly singing along to the radio like no one else was around. Shelby was genuinely perplexed by how care-free Audrey seemed. She couldn’t help but smile at her antics, making sure to do so when Audrey was in her own world, unaware of how she was continuing to dismantle Shelby’s wall of protection.

 

 After what felt like an endless drive, Shelby was still puzzled as to where on Earth they were going. As they began to slow down, she noticed a diverse range of people, young and old, dressed in very little clothing. She sat up and began to scan the view out of the front windshield. As soon as Audrey shifted the vehicle into park, Shelby’s throat tightened. A landscape of sunbathers, umbrellas, a pebbled beach and a vast body of water stared back at her. They were at a beach. _A fucking beach._

 “Are you...? Are you fucking serious right now?!”, Shelby turned and spouted at Audrey.

 Ignoring her completely, the older blonde replied, “Would you watch the car while I go pay the man for parking? I’ll be right back.” Without giving Shelby a chance for a rebuttal, she got out of the car and went to find the appropriate employee to pay.

 Shelby sat in the car, mouth agape and fists clenched. This was the last place she wanted to be. What in Audrey’s mind could have made her think this was a good idea? Was she simply being cruel? Did she not _listen_ to Shelby’s nightmare or did she just not _care_? Deciding she needed fresh air before she ripped the steering wheel right out of its socket, she stepped out of the car and slammed the door behind her. Slowly, she breathed in and out, hands interlaced on top of her head. She moved to the front of the vehicle to lean against the hood, eyes still tightly shut. After several minutes, she opened her eyes to the sight of Audrey standing next to her, mirroring her position leaned against the car, arms crossed at her chest. Shelby looked at her for a second, then immediately turned her eyes back to the pebbled beach in front of her.

 “Look. I know you probably think I’m a sadistic twat right now…”, Audrey said, to which Shelby replied, “Ya think?”

 “Honestly, I don’t care what you think of me. But I’ll have you know, I’ve been where you are. Avoiding your fears is a sure fire way to let them enslave you”, Audrey said, staring out at the horizon as she spoke.

 Shelby was silent. Still seething internally, she gritted her teeth and said, “No offense, but just because you played some shallow version of me on TV does not mean you know me.”

 Audrey flinched at the harsh words. Shelby regretted them immediately but refused to show weakness and apologize.

 “Maybe not...but I do know that my nightmares only got worse. They found their way into my consciousness to the point where I could not function, day or night. Fire. Any sign of it completely dismantled me. I can’t tell you how or why but one day, I decided that I wouldn’t let _Roanoke_ continue to take from me…”, Audrey said as her throat tightened. She continued to stare out into the distance, watching as the sun began to set and beach-goers packed up their belongings.

 “So...what’d you do?”, Shelby asked after a long pause, despite her stubborn attempt to disengage.

 Audrey finally looked at her and said, “It sounds silly now when I say it out loud but, I installed a fireplace in my home. Every night I would just sit there...and try and will myself to light it. Took 8 months, and the first few lights I immediately snuffed it out but…” she giggled at herself, “Now it’s one of the most relaxing things for me”.

 Shelby glanced back at her, trying so hard to keep her tough exterior, but softening by the minute. Finally, she said in a low voice, “It’s not that I don’t _want_ to...face my fears or whatever. I just...I don’t even know _why_ it’s the water. Roanoke was in the middle of nowhere. No water in sight. So why is it this that’s haunting me?” She asked the question, not expecting an answer from Audrey, but to rack her own brain for potential reasons.

 “I couldn’t tell you. But I do know one thing. You called it your _happy place_...and I think it’s time to reclaim that.  _Fuck Roanoke”,_  Audrey said with conviction.

 Shelby looked back at her and cracked a smile. _Audrey may be a pain in the ass but she also may be right_. She paused and pondered for several minutes.

 “ _Fuck Roanoke”,_ Shelby finally said back, as she took off her flannel top and put it back in the car, along with her shoes. Audrey was shocked, but pleasantly surprised at Shelby’s sudden change of heart.

 “Shall we?”, Audrey said as she extended her hand to Shelby. Looking at it hesitantly, she took her hand and they were walking across pebbles to the open water. There were very few people around, as many were leaving as the sun began to disappear over the horizon.

 “Shit!”, Shelby gasped as she stepped further down the pebbled beach in her bare feet.

 “Oh yes—I meant to tell you that was going to hurt like hell. You Americans and your obsession with being _shoeless_ all the time. I don’t get it really”, Audrey said, eyebrows raised judgingly.

 “And you couldn’t have said anything sooner?!”, Shelby shot back at her.

 Audrey didn’t look at her but smiled, “Guess you’re just overcoming it all today, hmm?”

 Shelby rolled her eyes before she gasped at the feeling of the cold water at her toes. A sharp noise came from Audrey as well, although it was twice as dramatic and half as warranted.

 “You haven’t even touched the water!”, Shelby shouted.

 “Yes but I can just _tell_ how cold it is”, she said with her usual posh candor.

 Shelby couldn’t help but chuckle at how ridiculous she was being. It was a welcomed lightheartedness, she had to admit. Finally looking up and out at the immense body of water, she couldn’t help but gasp again, “Wow. This sunset is amazing.”

 “That it is”, Audrey said as she fixed her eyes in the same direction, reluctantly taking her shoes off and setting them down. They both stood there staring in awe at the paint stroked colors of orange, red and purple on the horizon. After a few moments, Shelby turned to look in Audrey’s direction, who was standing between her and the gorgeous sunset. The orange light flooded her facial features, highlighting her beauty in a way that stole the breath from Shelby’s lungs. She looked flawlessly radiant. Shelby wished she had her phone to capture the moment, as if the image would leave her mind anytime soon. She swallowed hard when Audrey met her eyes and she realized she’d been staring.

 Clearing her throat, eager to redirect, Shelby said, “So, are we getting in or what?” _What the fuck? Did I really just say that?_

 Audrey whipped her head around to look at Shelby incredulously, “You’re joking”.

 Mustering up her best poker face, Shelby replied, “Well how am I supposed to face my fears from the shore? Being _in_ the water is what fucks me up”. Audrey laughed. She never thought Shelby would have such a sailor’s mouth, but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t like it.

 “So we’re just going to freeze to death? In our _clothes_?”, Audrey retorted.

 “I mean...you are welcome to strip...if they allow that kind of thing here”, Shelby said as she ventured knee deep into the crisp water. _This was easier than she thought it would be._

  _“_ Oh don’t be cheeky. I guess this is an old dress…”, Audrey said, to Shelby’s delight. Smiling ear to ear, the younger woman reached over to grab Audrey’s hand as they inched their way into the cold seawater.

 “JESUS CHRIST! My nipples could cut glass right now, I’m _not_ even joking”, Audrey shouted.

 Shelby could not help but burst out laughing at the actress, “Come on, we’ll warm up in a bit, just keep moving!”

 As both women ventured deeper, the water made it’s way up to Audrey’s neck and Shelby’s upper shoulders.

 Audrey was visibly struggling, and although she didn’t say it out loud, Shelby could tell she wasn’t a strong swimmer. “Hey, you should hold onto my shoulders. I’ve got a few inches on you so, it’s not exactly fair”, Shelby said as she blindly searched for the other woman’s arms under the surface. Audrey looked at her hesitantly, but then replied, “Well, alright then”.

 As she placed her hands on Shelby’s shoulders, she couldn’t help but sink into her warm body as refuge from the water surrounding them, getting colder by the minute. Both women fell quiet for a moment, evaluating their new proximity. Shelby’s white tank top was soaked through to reveal her black bra underneath, and Audrey did her best to keep her eyes fixed on the face of the fit blonde in front of her. _Shelby was fit_. She’d noticed her trim physique before but now to be _touching_ her was a whole other experience. She could feel the indentations of the muscles in her shoulders and traps, and wondered if that was all yoga and rage. At that moment, Shelby felt Audrey slipping away with the current and quickly grasped her waist, “Woah, I got you”.

 Audrey, barely registering what just happened, let out a small, “Thank you”. The strength of the woman she was currently attached to was not lost on her.

 “So, um. Was this what you had in mind when you tricked me into coming out here?”, Shelby said with a smirk.

 Audrey, pausing for a second to make sure she was reading the question right, finally replied, “Uhm, well, are your fears faced, Miss Miller?”

 Shelby looked back at Audrey and realized that for the first time, Audrey was _flustered_. Was is the cold water? The discomfort of salt in places it shouldn’t be? Or something else?

 “I—I don’t know if I’d say this thing is completely conquered by any means...but I will say that this has been...freeing”, Shelby said, looking up and accidentally brushing her nose against the older woman’s. _When did they get this close?_

 “Sorry…”, Shelby said, looking down shyly. Audrey couldn’t help but notice the blush on the taller woman’s cheeks, and bit her bottom lip to keep from smiling too much. As she brought her head back up, their eyes met, just inches from one another at this point. Shelby could feel Audrey’s breath on her lips and felt chill bumps involuntarily flood her arms and chest.

 Audrey noticed this, and unintentionally felt the younger woman’s nipples harden against where her forearms had come to rest on her chest. She managed to regain control of herself long enough to say, “Oh no. You’re freezing! We should go. I’m in no mood to treat you for hypothermia this weekend.”

 Shelby snapped out of the intimate moment after Audrey’s statement shifted the tension, unsure if that was intentional or not. She nodded her head in agreement, but held onto Audrey until they were in waist deep water to make sure she didn’t float away like her body attempted to earlier.

 

Back at the car, Audrey opened the back and pulled out two beach towels for them to dry off with. “My bloody upholstery is going to be ruined”, she said in a tone that conveyed that she was in no way actually upset about it. Audrey enjoyed herself tonight, and no amount of acting could cover up that fact to Shelby.

 

On the drive home, they fell into comfortable silence, until Shelby looked over at Audrey and said, “You know...I think it would help if I—we could go back every once in a while? Just to keep it fresh in my mind…”

 Audrey, pursing her lips into a smile, eyebrows raised replied, “Yeah, I think that’d be a good idea. For your healing process.”

 Shelby smirked, knowing full well that they’d had fun beyond her “healing process”, but she let it go. Catching herself staring again, she quickly nodded her head and resumed her examination of the landscape outside her window.

 “But we’re bringing _proper swim attire_ next time—and the sun! The sun will need to be out because I wanted to _die_ in that arctic water!”, Audrey said with her signature dramatic inflections.

 Shelby just smiled and said, “Sounds good”.

 When they finally arrived home, they both headed up the stairs to take desperately needed hot showers and hopefully get better sleep than usual after their beach adventure.

 As they went their separate ways at the top of the staircase, Shelby stopped and thought for a second.

 Turning to face Audrey, she asked, “Hey...listen, I know you probably hate the thought of yoga but, it could really help with the soreness you’ll likely have in the morning…”

 Squinting her eyes back at Shelby teasingly, Audrey pondered the idea.

 “Anyway, up to you. I signed up for the 10am class in the morning. If you’re free...I think you’ll like it more than you think…” Shelby continued, unable to read Audrey’s face in the dark hallway.

 “Hmm, okay well, I’ll see, If I’m up or...don’t have errands to run…”, Audrey said, feigning nonchalance.

 Shelby nodded her head and pursed her lips, “Okay. Well, goodnight then.” Giving one last smile, she turned to retire to her room.

 Audrey watched her walk away and reminisced over the night they’d just had. _God she wears those dreadful cut-offs so well._ Shaking the thought from her head, she turned to enter her bedroom.

 

“Fuck—guess I’m going to yoga.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this was a tease but...it will be worth it, promise ;) thanks as always for your kind feedback


	5. simmer down and pucker up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> companion song: do i wanna know - arctic monkeys

The morning sun filtered through the curtains of Audrey’s Victorian-style master bedroom. Accustomed to lying awake for hours, bargaining with the sandman to bring even just one hour of restful slumber, she slept peacefully through the night. As soon as her head hit the pillow, a mixture of exhaustion and contentment had her knocked out in record time. Now, peering over at her clock that read _8:45am_ , she plopped her head back on the pillow and adjusted to the foreign concept of feeling well rested. Thoughts of a particular blonde’s soft smile and lean arms wrapped around her floated involuntarily through her mind. Furrowing her brow, she shook the images from her head and flung her comforter off her body, averting her focus to getting ready for the day. As she swung her legs over the side of the bed, she winced at the soreness radiating from her shoulder blades to the soles of her feet. “Damn”, she hissed. Her body served as a harsh reminder that not only was she getting older, but something as simple as a venture to the beach could have her regretting it the next day. _Could_ being the operative word. Even if she felt like an 80-year-old woman making her way to the bathroom, she harbored no regrets about the day before. Something shifted inside of her regarding her new housemate, and while she resisted dissecting it too closely, she couldn’t ignore the butterflies in her stomach just thinking about spending more time with her this morning. Her logic was, if she ignored them long enough, they’d flutter away as quickly as they came, leaving her to get on with her life without the annoying complication of _feelings_ . Scoffing out loud at the mere notion, she stood at the mirror and examined her reflection, physically and otherwise. _I don’t have the time or emotional capacity for fucking butterflies_ , she thought to herself.

  


Standing in front of the floor length mirror in the corner of her room, Shelby huffed as she detested her fourth outfit of the morning. She’d been up for quite some time, shuffling through her closet and drawers, searching for the perfect ensemble. She’d been to this particular yoga studio a handful of times since she’d been in London, but something about this time was different. She wanted to look like she’d put in little to no effort, even though she’d braided and unbraided her hair at least six times already. She told herself it was “self-care”, tending to how she looked, but her subconscious mind wasn’t going to let her explain away what she knew to be true. The fact that Audrey never even confirmed that she was coming along made her feel childish for working herself up over her appearance. Realistically, there was a slim chance that she’d even see her today. Audrey was frustratingly unpredictable and as much as Shelby would like to peel back the protective layers of her mind and examine exactly what she was thinking, she was left to interpret their encounters at face value. _They were...friends now. Right?_ Contemplating the complex question, she swore she’d heard what sounded like faint knocking. Pausing to make sure she wasn’t hearing things, another feather-light knock echoed through the room. _Maybe it was Jasper letting her know breakfast was ready_. As she opened the door to let him know she’d be down soon, she was greeted by a frazzled blonde, pushing her way into her bedroom.

 

“Uh, good morning?”, Shelby said as her eyes followed Audrey’s bee-line into her walk-in closet.

 

“I need something to wear”, she said over her shoulder as she worked her way through Shelby’s collection of athletic tops.

 

“Wait, you mean to tell me that you don’t have _any_ workout clothes?! What about what you wore the other night? When we had the spaghetti? That should be perfectly fine…”, Shelby said, still flustered by the sudden intrusion.

 

Audrey cut her off, “Oh heavens  _no_ , I would never sweat in that, far too expensive…”

 

“Wow, so you can’t sweat in your clothes but you can sweat in mine?!”

 

“Oh, yes, I like this one. Do I wear a bra with it or?”, Audrey said, ignoring Shelby’s protest. She held up a black tank top that appeared to have a built-in bra, but Shelby couldn’t compel herself to respond before Audrey went further into the closet to change into it. She knew there was no stopping her at this point.

 

Sighing to herself, Shelby conceded to helping Audrey complete her outfit so they could leave sooner than later. She walked over to her drawer to find her a matching pair of leggings. The first pair she picked up would be baggy and comfortable. Biting her lip, she pushed them aside to reveal some tighter fitting, snake print pants and pulled them from the drawer, satisfied with her selection.

 

“Here take these, they should match...and we don’t have much time before we’ll have to leave”, she said as she walked over to hand them to her British invader.

 

Looking at them skeptically, Audrey shrugged and took them with her back into the closet to change again.

 

“Oh GOD, they are TIGHT! Are they supposed to feel like a second skin?!” Audrey shouted.

 

Shelby, sufficiently amused with herself, replied, “Yeah, uh, that’s how they’re designed to fit. Can we go now?!”

 

***

 

Twenty minutes and several pairs of shoes later, they were finally out the door, headed to their destination in the Sunday morning drizzle. Shelby settled on high-waisted burgundy leggings and a white crop top, figuring it was the best choice for hot yoga. Once again, she didn’t prepare for the weather, so on the way out Audrey rolled her eyes and shoved a windbreaker at her, “You are just determined to freeze to death aren’t you?” Shelby took it gratefully, smiling at Audrey’s subtle act of generosity.

 

When they arrived, Shelby led them to the front desk to check in. “Hi, good morning. Two for the 10am class, last name Miller.” The man at the counter was tall and lean with a short beard and piercing green eyes. His hair was pulled back in a low bun, arms covered in tattoos. “Shelby! Hey, good to see you again. Your last session was one of our more difficult classes...glad to see it didn’t scare you off,” he said with a charming smile.

 

Shelby diverted her eyes but smiled back, pushing her hair behind her ear shyly,“Yeah well, you were a good teacher.”

 

Audrey immediately noticed the interaction, looking back and forth between them. Clearing her throat loudly, she interrupted, “Okay great, so is it just through here or?”

 

Abruptly pulling his eyes away from Shelby to acknowledge Audrey’s presence, he stuttered, “Uh yeah...you can go ahead and grab your mats. I’ll be in shortly.”

 

“Wonderful! Thanks!,” Audrey said as she grabbed Shelby’s hand and led them away before she could bid him goodbye.

 

“What was that about?”, Shelby asked in a low voice.

 

Audrey shook her head, “I don’t know what you mean—oh look! Let’s set up over here.” Frustrated by her lack of an actual answer, Shelby bit her tongue and agreed to the spot.

 

Once both women had settled themselves onto their yoga mats and began to lightly stretch on their own, the man from the check-in counter announced himself at the front of the class.

 

“Good morning, everyone. My name’s Aaron. I’ll be your lead instructor today. I hope you’re all well hydrated this morning,” he said with a smile as laughter echoed through the room.

 

“What’s so funny about that?” Audrey whispered to Shelby with a scoff, eyes rolling to the back of her head.

 

Looking over at Audrey, the smile quickly fell from Shelby’s face. “Shit, I’m so sorry, I forgot to tell you...this is _hot yoga_.”

 

Audrey shook her head, “Okay? And what exactly does that mean?”

 

Before Shelby could respond, Aaron continued, “Remember, if at any point you feel faint or light-headed, please don’t hesitate to step out.”

 

Audrey whipped her head to stare daggers at the woman beside her, “What the hell? Are you trying to murder me?!” All Shelby could do was mouth _“sorry”_ with a painfully apologetic look before the instructor started the meditative music and began the class.

 

One hour and fifteen minutes later, both women were on their backs finishing their final meditations, one more spent than the other.

 

“As soon as you’re ready, go ahead and gently bring yourselves back to the present. Let your last exhale take any residual negativity that may still reside in you,” Aaron said softly.

 

Audrey abruptly opened one eye, muttering in Shelby’s direction, “I don’t know, I think I’ll leave a bit of negativity for you later.”

 

Shelby kept her eyes closed but couldn’t fight the chuckle that erupted in her chest. After a couple of more minutes, both women were sitting up, fully drenched in sweat. Audrey’s hair was stuck to her neck and face, so she ran her fingers through her blonde locks, slicking it back and out of her eyes. Shelby, having been more prepared than her counterpart, only had to worry about a few stray strands of hair falling out of her braid and into her face. Her white crop top was now suctioned to her body from the sweat, and Audrey couldn’t help but notice a shiny object at her navel.

 

“A belly button ring?”, she said quizzically.

 

Shelby looked up at her, confused for a beat, and then back down at the small silver ring poking through her shirt. Blushing, she breathed out, “Yeah...got it when I was seventeen and just...kept it.”

 

Audrey raised an intrigued brow, “Act of rebellion?”

 

“You could say that,” Shelby replied, making eye contact that made Audrey’s stomach flip.

 

Swallowing hard, she retorted, “And here I was picturing teenage Shelby Miller as little miss goody two shoes.”

 

Rolling her eyes, Shelby stood and extended her hand to help Audrey up. “Guess there’s a lot you still don’t know about me,” she said before unlatching their hands and walking towards to door.

 

Watching her walk away, Audrey put her tongue in her cheek and murmured, “I guess so.”

  
  


Back at the front end, Shelby went to grab two complimentary chilled towels when she felt a hand on her elbow.

“Hey! Sorry I um, just wanted to say good job in there. You made it look easy,” the yoga instructor said as Shelby smiled, blushing slightly. “No, are you kidding? I was barely hanging on at the end.”

“Please, looked like an old pro to me! How long have you been practicing?”

  
  


Having gone back to retrieve their yoga mats and return them to their bin, Audrey saw Shelby and the long-haired man chatting and smiling, his hand occasionally drifting to touch her arm. Something churned in the pit of her stomach, a fiery storm that could only be described as jealousy; yet, she decided it was merely a protectiveness over someone she was charged to look after, nothing more. Walking over to approach them, her ears were filled with Shelby’s infectious laugh and she cringed internally at the sound.

 

“You’re _joking_! I could never instruct at this level. I’d need...several more certifications under my belt,” Shelby said modestly. “Well, I mean, we could get you certified pretty quickly if you wouldn’t mind coming in before we opened a few days a week. I could help get you prepped…”

 

That was the last thing Audrey needed to hear before she decided to insert herself in this cringe-worthy exchange. She gave her next move about two seconds of thought before she took the plunge. “Oh, there you are, darling! Thought I’d lost you for a minute…”, Audrey said as she interlaced one hand with Shelby’s, gently tugging the bewildered woman down with her free hand to plant a firm kiss to her unassuming lips as if she’d done it a million times.

 

Before she could process what’d happened, Shelby just saw Audrey’s lips pulling away, saying something in the direction of the man in front of them. She didn’t hear a word. All her brain registered was that Audrey had just kissed her, and the man she was talking to was now walking away, a look of disappointment on his face.

 

“Thank god, I thought he’d never leave”, Audrey said, seemingly unaffected by what just transpired.

 

Still shocked into silence, Shelby’s mouth hung open for several seconds before she regained her bearings and finally said, “What...was that?!”

 

“What was what?”, Audrey replied nonchalantly. Noticing that Shelby was not accepting that as a legitimate answer she continued, “Come on, he was obviously flirting with you, so I threw you a life preserver. No need to thank me…”

 

Shelby glared back at her with a look Audrey was sure could send an attack dog whimpering away with its tail between its legs. “And?”, she spat, raising her voice an octave higher than Audrey was comfortable with in public. “Am I not allowed to talk to other people? _God forbid_ I interact with anyone but you and my therapist, huh? HOW DARE HE show interest in me.” Shelby was fuming and Audrey couldn’t find one word to leave her lips in response.

 

Looking to get as far away from her as possible, Shelby stormed out the front door into a heavy downpour of rain and wind. Still blind with rage, she trudged down the sidewalk and found the nearest open establishment.

 

Back at the yoga studio, Audrey closed her eyes and did her best to ignore every eye in the room staring at her. She quickly grabbed their jackets from their cubby and headed out into the storm after the ball of fire that she was responsible for.

 

“Jim Beam, neat. Please,” Shelby said to the bartender as she hiked herself up on the nearest bar stool. As soon as he poured the glass full, she shot it back and asked for another. She didn’t notice the familiar figure that’d just breathed a sigh of relief as soon as she spotted her slumped over the bar.

 

“Easy, tiger. I think you’re dehydrated enough as it is,” Audrey said as she walked up behind the irritated blonde and sat in the stool next to her.

 

Shelby didn’t want to look at her, but begrudgingly turned her head to deliver another death stare. As she caught the genuine look of grief in the older woman’s eyes, her face began to soften in spite of herself.

 

“Look, I’m sorry. It’s just—I feel like I’m losing...control. Like I have no say in what happens in my life anymore…”

 

Pursing her lips, Audrey looked up at her, painfully familiar with the feeling, “I know. I’m sorry. That was wrong of me to assume…”

 

“I didn’t even really like him…”, Shelby interrupted.

 

Audrey opened her mouth only to close it again. She was not expecting that.

 

“I just...liked the attention, I guess, I don’t know…” pausing to finish her drink, she continued, “since Matt...well, left me for a fucking _beast woman_.” At that she threw her head back and cackled loudly. Audrey gave a nervous laugh as she motioned at the bartender to bring two more drinks.

 

***

 

Several hours and countless whiskey sours later, both women were considerably drunker than all of the pub’s other guests combined. Yet, they were providing so much entertainment that they hadn’t paid for one drink all day. Out of breath with laughter, Audrey asked Shelby, “Wait, you WHAT?!” Shelby closed her eyes and squinted her nose, “Yeah I...hid under her bed for  _two hours_ waiting for her parents to leave.” Audrey proceeded to cackle loud enough that the man at the end of the eighteen-foot-long bar could hear her.

 

“Why on EARTH would you choose _their room_ of all places?!”, Audrey said, dramatic as ever, draping her arm over Shelby’s shoulder. “I have no fucking idea”, Shelby said through a hiccup. “Guess it was another one of those _acts of rebellion_.”

 

Audrey removed her arm to knock back the remaining amber liquid in her glass and bit her bottom lip. “Oh yeah?” she probed, looking Shelby up and down through hooded eyes, resisting the urge to play with her damp braid. “Tell me more about this _wild and rebellious_ Shelby Miller.” Shelby choked on her drink at Audrey’s signature dramatics and shook her head.

 

“No, honestly it’d bore you. I was a good kid...mostly. My dad was a hard ass so...I acted out just to get under his skin every now and then.”

 

“By getting your navel pierced…”, Audrey said with a smile indicating she was fully pleased with herself. “Is that all?”

 

Shelby stared into her drink for a second before she flashed a devilish grin. “Maybe. Maybe not”, she said as she slid out of her seat, sauntering over to the dart board not far from the bar. At this precise moment, Led Zeppelin’s “I Can’t Quit You Baby” coursed through the mounted speakers of the bar, adding to the liquid courage in her veins.

 

Audrey watched her gather all the darts, while she was back at the bar accepting two fresh drinks that she swore kept “magically appearing” in front of her. As she made her way across the room, Shelby couldn’t help but notice the sway of the older woman’s hips or her subtly sexy smile when she gave a suave “cheers boys” to the men responsible for their refills. The warm feeling in her cheeks coupled with Jimmy Page’s chill-inducing riffs flooding the atmosphere, had Shelby reaching for Audrey’s waist as she finally made her way over to the darts. “Okay, I’ll make a deal with you”, she said with what could only be described as a seductive tone as Audrey’s breath hitched at their proximity. “I’m listening,” she said as she handed the taller blonde her drink.

 

Whiskey in one hand, Audrey’s hip in the other, she gave a mischievous grin and said, “If you beat me at this round of darts...I’ll show you my other _rebellious act_.” For a split second Audrey was _sure_ her heart stopped beating. _What the fuck is going on here?_ As she took another generous swig of her drink, she decided it’d be more fun to find out then keep guessing.

 

“You’re on”, Audrey said with an accent Shelby noticed only continued to thicken.

 

Going back and forth between nearly nailing the bulls-eye each time and permanently damaging the wall, Audrey proved to be able to hold her own, considering her state of inebriation. As Shelby went to pluck the darts for their last round, she turned to banter at her opponent, “Okay now. Don’t get too cocky and blow it.”

 

“Fuck off”, Audrey said with a grin as she snatched the darts from Shelby’s hand. Biting her lip, Shelby plopped down in the nearest chair and leaned back, mindlessly unraveling her braid, flipping her head to tousle her long, dirty blonde waves. Audrey caught this in her peripheral, but refused to let the gorgeous distraction throw her off her game.

 

Two out of three darts hit the board, with one just outside the bulls-eye. Audrey clicked her tongue with a sly “beat that” as she walked passed Shelby on her way back to the bar. Shelby feigned shock as she went to retrieve the darts for her final turn, watching her companion walk away in those tight pants she was so _grateful_ she chose. On her way back, Audrey couldn’t help but laugh at her own appearance in the bar mirror. Yoga attire at a _pub_ , body still damp with sweat and rain, wild blonde hair on top of her head and smudged mascara under her eyes. Never in a million years did she think she’d be here, looking like this, letting loose at a seedy pub for hours in the middle of the day, with Shelby Miller. She smirked at the unforeseen turn of events and headed back to her companion with two large glasses of water.

 

“Here, drink some of this. I can’t have you hungover all day tomorrow—I’ll be preoccupied enough with my own”, Audrey said as she handed Shelby the glass.

 

With a snort, Shelby took just a sip of the water before setting it back down and focusing on the dart board. “Alright, you’re going down, _baby spice_.” Audrey spit out her drink at the nickname. “ _Baby spice?!_ Everyone knows I’m a _posh spice_. Bloody baby spice she says…”

Shelby had to take a minute to settle her shoulders from laughing so hard at how bent out of shape she was able to get the British blonde beside her. Finally, she stepped forward and launched her darts at the board.

 

One hit.

 

Audrey leapt out of her chair laughing hysterically, “Holy fuck! I WON!” Shelby crossed her arms and gave the most convincing pout she could muster before joining Audrey in her laughter. She’d worked herself up so much there were tears in her eyes. “Shelby, do you realize who you just lost to?! I’ve never thrown a dart in my bloody LIFE!” Wiping her tears, she leaned over to fall into Shelby’s arms as the two of them came down from their fits of laughter.

 

Finally catching her breath, Shelby conceded, “Okay, fine. You won. Fair and square. Happy?”

 

“Immensely”, Audrey said, eyes unconsciously drifting to the taller woman’s lips from their slight height difference. “So? Are you going to hold up your end of the deal or am I going to have to lock you out of the house tonight?”

 

Shelby gave her best glare, then replied, “Well, can you hold yourself up for a fucking second?” Audrey giggled and nodded her head, leaning back on the wall behind her as Shelby’s hands lingered on her waist to keep her steady.

 

Turning around, Shelby hooked her thumbs into the waistband of her leggings at her lower back, and slowly pulled them down to reveal a tattoo the size of a half dollar coin. Audrey’s mouth fell open at first, then slowly turned up into a wide, toothy grin. Before she could realize the intimacy of the action, or bring herself to care, she was tracing her fingertips over the blue and black ink. Shelby closed her eyes and shuddered at the gentle touch.

 

“A butterfly. A fucking _butterfly_ ”, Audrey cooed.

 

Shelby quickly tugged her pants back up, and spun around to face her. “Okay, I know. It’s really fucking lame you don’t have to remind me.”

 

Audrey bit her bottom lip, trying her hardest to hide how fucking _cute_ she found the woman in front of her to be in this moment. “No, no. If I’m being honest...I love it.”

 

Shelby turned her head and scoffed, “Yeah right. You don’t have to patronize me…”

 

Reaching out to gently turn her chin to face her, Audrey looked into penetrating blue eyes and said in a more serious tone, “Shelby, I’m serious. I love it. I think it’s...beautiful.” As she said the words she realized the gravity of what she was trying so desperately to convey to the insecure woman in front of her. Studying the features of her face, she wanted her to know how worthy she was of all the things she thought she’d never deserve again: love, happiness, a normal life. That she didn’t have to keep torturing herself to atone for her sins.

 

Eyes fluttering, breath shallow, it was as if Shelby could hear all of Audrey’s unspoken sentiments. She heard them through her worried expression, her kind, caring eyes, the soft touch still lingering on her cheek. _Did she know that her countenance was betraying her? Did she care?_

 

“Audrey?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Kiss me again.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ::upside down face emoji::


	6. dancin' in circles

  


The stale air of the bar had become a distant memory as the smell of jasmine and vanilla flooded her senses, causing more intoxication than any amount of alcohol she’d ingested in the last few hours. She was in over her head in so many ways, but continued to push away all rationale against what she was about to do. All the reasons this was a terrible idea, opening Pandora's box of emotions she wasn’t ready to become so intimately acquainted with. But the soft skin her fingertips so delicately grazed as she traced them up a flushed cheek, through impossibly soft blonde hair was enough to send a numbing shiver down her spine. This was one of the most erotic experiences her muddled mind could remember having and they were barely  _touching._ No communication was exchanged for what felt like an eternity, words replaced with a mix between held breaths and shuddered pants. The heat from the eye contact alone was enough to send the entire building and its inhabitants up in flames. Any onlookers were mere shadows to the two women standing against the wall, silently debating their next moves, inhibitions nowhere to be found.

 

Audrey heard the request and immediately sought the eyes of the woman just inches from her. It was jarring and unexpected but not particularly unwelcome. If she were honest with herself, she was aching for intimate contact with another human being, needed to feel something that didn’t involve her own touch in the middle of the night. When Shelby moved her hand that wasn’t on the older woman’s hip to rest on the wall just beside her head, she let out a soft whimper at the gesture. She felt like the taller woman had put up a protective barrier between them and the rest of the world. It was just them. Two women who were so impossibly broken by life that their refuge seemed to be each other in this moment laced with lust and desperation. It wasn’t a direction she foresaw their relationship headed, and if she were thinking clearly she’d have pulled away and called a cab by now. Instead her head was swimming, thoughts of what it would be like to join lips with the painfully breathtaking woman in front of her, and what it would mean for the next five months. _They still had five months._ Their living situation was just becoming bearable. What were the implications of something so reckless? Could they brush it off like nothing happened? Or would their newly civil existence implode as soon as their lips collided? If only these questions held a candle to the electric current of desire coursing through her veins.

 

Eyes darting back and forth between deep brown eyes and plump pink lips, Shelby was passed the point of thoughtful consideration. She’d said the words and left all reservation behind, achingly desperate to avoid another rejection in her life. Her need to feel and give and touch and forget were raw and unrelenting. Eyelids getting heavier by the minute, she fought to remain as lucid as possible, willing the silent woman in front of her to make her move. Maybe if she was the one to close the cavernous gap between them it would feel like less of a mistake and more of a pact between star-crossed lovers. Although she was becoming more and more regretful of her bold question as time continued to pass, she refused to let her logical mind eclipse her human desires tonight. Tomorrow could borrow her fears for now.

 

“Shelby…”, Audrey finally whimpered, closing her eyes mournfully.

 

Pulling away slightly, Shelby leaned back and tucked her chin, mortified at the apparent rejection. But when she finally looked up, she noticed Audrey’s attention was taken by something behind her; a heavily inebriated man, making his way towards them. Shelby turned back to Audrey to try and silently communicate a way out, but before they could come up with a plan, the man had one hand on each of their shoulders.

 

“Hey there, ladies! Let me ask you something”, the sweaty man slurred out, beer breath causing Audrey to cover her mouth and nose in disdain. “You look so bloody  _familiar_ to me and my mates over here...where have I seen you?” Shelby opened her mouth, looking over at Audrey who was already in the middle of a truly impressive eye roll.

 

“I don’t know. Are we supposed to remember every human being we’ve ever come into contact with?”, Audrey said as she turned to head to the bar to close out their tab, already feeling a migraine coming on from a combination of the whiskey and this conversation.

 

Shelby noticed the man’s agitation with Audrey’s sarcastic remark and attempted to redirect the conversation. “Well, I’m sorry but there are hundreds of blonde women in London. I’m sure you’re confusing us with one of them.”

 

Finally removing his hand from Shelby’s shoulder, the man huffed then lunged at Audrey as she passed him, grabbing her roughly by the arm. “Hey, I wasn’t finished talking to you. It’s just a simple question. No need to be a bitch about it.”

 

“Get your filthy paws off of me!”, Audrey screeched as she tried to yank her arm away from him, causing him to just tighten his grip further.

 

“Let her go,” Shelby said firmly, doing her best to calm the storm brewing in her chest.

 

“What’s your problem, huh? You’d rather fuck this old bitch than let us show you what a good time really looks like?”

 

Looking back at his friends, they all erupted in laughter at Audrey’s expense. Cheeks fully crimson, she pursed her lips and looked over at a visibly furious Shelby as if to say “They’re not worth it. Let’s just leave”.

 

But it was far too late for that. Firmly planting her feet, Shelby waited for the man to turn back around and swiftly connected her fist with his nose, white-hot rage blinding her for several seconds after. When she came to, ears ringing and adrenaline pulsing through her veins, she felt strong arms around her waist, lifting her up and eventually removing her from the bar. On the way out, she could faintly hear something that sounded like “bitch broke my nose!” and couldn’t help but smirk.

 

The entire establishment had erupted into complete chaos at this point, with Audrey barely able to grab their things before following the security guard out to the sidewalk where he’d left her wild-eyed protector.

 

“Fucking assholes!”, Shelby yelled back at the entrance of the pub, breathing heavily.

 

“Easy…”, Audrey said as she placed her hands on the taller woman’s shoulders in an attempt to calm her down. Her wild eyes were still ablaze with fury, as Audrey moved her hands to either side of her head to further reign her in. “Shh, it’s okay. You’re okay”, she said in a hushed tone, gently rubbing the frazzled woman’s temples with her thumbs, threading her fingers through her hair to firmly ground her as she forced eye contact.

 

“Breathe. That’s it”, Audrey coached as Shelby finally began to come down from the rush of epinephrine still flowing through her body. Hands finding their way to Audrey’s wrists, she used the woman as a human anchor, tethering her back down to earth.

 

After several seconds of just allowing Shelby to compose herself, Audrey grabbed her forearm to lead her as far away from the building as possible and chuckled, “Come on, let’s get out of here before he decides to press charges”. She’d truly never been defended like that before and couldn’t help but feel a surge of gratitude for the unbridled blonde in her grasp.

 

Shelby was quiet for most of their walk down the street, as the reality of what just happened began to sink in. She was mortified at yet another display of untamed anger in front of Audrey.  _How could she feel safe with someone with such a short fuse living in her home?_ Continuing to internally berate herself, she felt a sharp sting in her knuckles, as Audrey tried to examine her left hand.

 

“Christ! Does that hurt? We need to get some ice on this quickly. You’re swelling like a balloon.” Shelby winced, but nodded affirmatively.

 

Spotting a convenience store up ahead, they made their way inside and simultaneously squinted their eyes at the harsh overhead lights inside. They were both dehydrated, and still relatively inebriated, so Audrey made sure to grab a couple of bottles of water along with a bag of frozen peas and saran wrap. Following close behind, Shelby kept her head down and hugged herself, trying to shrink as much as possible. After they checked out, they found a bench outside to sit on while they waited for the car Audrey had just ordered.

 

“Okay, let me see that deadly weapon of yours”, Audrey said with a smirk as she reached for Shelby’s hand that was already beginning to bruise. Sheepishly, Shelby allowed her to take her hand and let out another wince when the cold bag touched the back of her hand. “Sorry”, Audrey whispered. She then proceeded to carefully wrap the plastic around her hand to hold the bag of frozen vegetables in place. Shelby leered down at the makeshift ice pack and then over at Audrey. “Thank you”, she said quietly.

 

Audrey could see the remorse in her eyes and gave her a sympathetic smile. “Look, the man was a _jerk_. No need to feel bad about rearranging his face a bit.”

 

Letting out a puff of air she’d been holding for a while, Shelby shook her head as her face fell again. “It’s not that. I just…”, she paused to gather her bearings, regret continuing to inflame her insecurities. “I’m sorry.”

 

Turning her head curiously, Audrey wasn’t exactly sure what she was apologizing for, but allowed her to continue nonetheless.

 

“That’s not me. I don’t—I’m trying so hard to fucking...get _better_. Whatever the fuck that means…” Stubborn tears began to push at the corners of her eyes as she tilted her head back to keep them subdued as best she could, looking to the stars for solace. Audrey could feel her heart clenching, painfully aware of the internal battle she knew the younger woman continued to fight alone. Even more aware of a similar war waging in her own tormented psyche.

 

“What I’m trying to say is... I’m working to control this shit inside of me and...I promise I won’t let you be the victim of it again”.

 

Audrey furrowed her brow and pursed her lips, “Shelby, I—I’m not upset or...frightened of you. Yes, you may have acted out of emotion, but I’m grateful for what you did. I like to think I’m tough but the truth is, I don’t know what would've happened if you weren’t there.”

 

Shelby shook her head, still unwilling to accept that what she did was anything less than reprehensible.

 

Audrey continued, “Besides, it’s no different than my propensity to...numb myself. Isolate from the world.” Shelby hadn’t expected the personal admission, but silently appreciated her subtle honesty regarding her own demons. “We all have our coping mechanisms. Yours just happens to send people to the E.R. on occasion.” She looked over and caught a pained smile on Shelby’s face.

 

“And you don’t have to worry about me...kicking you out or anything. I guess you’re a decent cook...and seem to clean up after yourself well enough.”

 

Shelby gave a lazy grin, but still felt guilt festering in her chest, as she distracted herself with the tail end of the saran wrap in her palm.

 

“Hey”, Audrey said, reaching over to lift Shelby’s chin to make eye contact, “Thank you.” Shelby blinked back quizzically.

 

“For standing up for me. You didn’t have to do that.”

 

“Yeah well...asshole had it coming.”

 

Audrey let out a belly laugh as Shelby finally conceded. Shelby couldn’t help but join in, slowly beginning to fully realize just how insane the last 12 hours had truly been. Her amusement only grew when she caught another glance of the ridiculous contraption Audrey had fashioned on her hand. But she was grateful. Grateful that she hadn’t blown it after just a month, that Audrey was still willing to allow her to stay after witnessing her erratic temper.

  


She was also grateful that what was about to happen (before they were interrupted by that scumbag) didn’t come to fruition. As much as she wanted it, doing her best to convince herself it was the heat of the moment, she knew that it would have only complicated matters. She cared about Audrey, and couldn’t deny her attraction, but the implications of going through with the kiss were too grave. Yes, she couldn’t imagine it being anything less than _fucking incredible_ , but she had to start letting her left brain make more of her decisions. Logic needed to supersede passion if she was going to survive the next five months unscathed. The stakes were too high. Not only did she need this to work out to finally get her fresh start, she also didn’t think her heart could take anymore beatings. _That_ she was sure she could not come back from. Not again. Not after everything. The residual damage still hung around like the remnants of a terminal disease, aching to rear its ugly head as soon as she could begin to feel human again.

 

As she played with the zipper of her purse, Audrey was also analyzing the events of the day, which annoyed the shit out of her seeing as she’s never been an _analyzer_. The woman next to her brought up more foreign personality traits in four short weeks than anyone she’d ever met. She suddenly felt--nervous around her. In all her time as a stage actress, nerves were never a problem. She would always claim to have coined the term “fake it ‘til you make it”, jokingly referring to her ability to get whatever and  _whoever_ she wanted by taking on whichever character she needed to be at the time. Her mother always said it was a gift. Something that would serve her well as an adult, but it always seemed to leave her feeling empty and unseen in all of her relationships. No one knew the real Audrey Tindall, not really. Yet, as she glanced over at the captivating woman next to her, with all her demons, brain constantly on fire as she battled them dusk ‘til dawn, she wondered if maybe she was the one who’d finally, truly see her.

 

She wasn’t going to be the one to bring up the _almost_ kiss. What was the point? If Shelby was fine with ignoring it, she certainly wasn’t going to press. She couldn’t imagine what the sunrise would have brought if their lips dared to collide. _Feelings_. Still her greatest fear and truest weakness. She wished they hadn’t already started creeping their way into her psyche. Yet, as the alcohol continued to cloud her thoughts, she pondered what it would have looked like to bridge that gap tonight.

 

“Shel…”, Audrey started before she was interrupted.

 

“Car for Tindall?”, a bearded man said through his window as he pulled up in front of them.

 

“Um, yes that’s us”, she said, as they gathered their things and shuffled into the back seat. _Probably best_ , she thought to herself.

 

The ride home was mostly silent, with the driver occasionally attempting small talk. Both women were already feeling the onset of headaches, and he eventually got the hint that they weren’t in the mood to chat. The distance between them now was the largest it’d been all night. They’d managed to stay physically connected in some way or another since they left the yoga studio, and it suddenly felt wrong to be so coldly separated by the center console between them. Shelby continued to hug herself, unaware of why she felt so uncomfortable with her own space, while Audrey couldn’t stop bouncing her leg up and down restlessly.

  
  


When they finally arrived home, Audrey tipped the driver and led them both into the quiet of her house. Every muscle in her body ached, which she began to correlate with anytime she went out with the tall blonde in front of her.

 

“You should come with a warning label, you know.”

 

Shelby turned to shoot her a glare but she was so tired she couldn’t summon the attitude it required.

 

Audrey just smiled and walked to the kitchen to retrieve some aspirin and painkillers from the cabinet. “Here take some of these. Between the hangover and your hand, you may be in some pain in the morning.”

 

Shelby had forgotten all about her hand. On the car ride home, all her mind could seem to drift to was all of the “what ifs” of the night. What could have been and how it would have played out.

 

Pulling herself out of the daze, she gave Audrey a small smile as she took the pills from her hand. She’d usually be against the painkillers, but at this point, she’d take whatever would knock her out for the night. Audrey grabbed a glass from the cabinet to fill with water and handed it to Shelby. “Thank you”, she said as she threw them all back with one swig.

 

Making her way over to the trash, she carefully removed the bag of peas from her hand disposed of the now thawed out “ice pack”. As she did that, Audrey glanced down at her hand to examine how the swelling was progressing. Without a word, she reached out with both hands, gently running her fingers over each knuckle as if her fingertips possessed a magic touch capable of full healing. Shelby just watched her delicately study her hand, noticing the way her brows knitted together at the concentration, biting back a smile at the endearing expression on her face. But then her breath caught in her throat. Audrey went from a simple, innocent examination to flattening her palms on either side of Shelby’s hand, intimately cradling it between hers. The delicately affectionate touch had her pulse racing, suddenly aware of the fact that they were touching again; how it felt like she’d been waiting to exhale until their skin was physically connected again. _When did she begin to need to feel her touch to feel human?_

 

Letting out an involuntary, shuddering breath, Shelby finally said, “Uhm, so I guess I’m going to head to bed....kinda already feel the painkillers kicking in.”

 

Seemingly snapping out of a daze, Audrey looked up, swiftly pulling her hands away and said, “Of course, yes. I should probably do the same.” She gave a pursed smile and went to busy herself with emptying Shelby’s water glass in the sink and putting it in the dishwasher.

 

“Okay, well. Goodnight then,” Shelby said with a hesitation in her voice that she herself was surprised to hear. Like she wanted an excuse to stay just a little longer. _Go to sleep. You’re not thinking clearly._

 

“Goodnight”, Audrey threw over her shoulder, intentionally not making further eye contact. _Just let her go to bed for fuck’s sake._

 

Heading to the staircase, Shelby found herself turning back around to say, “Thanks again. For everything.”

 

With that, Audrey couldn’t help but look back at her and say, “Of course”, with a tired but genuine smile.

 

 

 

  
  
  


Stripping out of her dirty clothes, Shelby decided a shower could wait until the morning and changed into a fresh pair of underwear and a t-shirt before practically falling into bed. As the painkillers continued to numb her senses, she pressed her head back deep into her pillow and let her mind wander. Wander to dangerous places she was too exhausted to pull herself away from. Biting her bottom lip, she slowly brought her good hand up to lightly trace her stomach. Venturing further south, she slipped beneath black lace to find slick folds that she herself didn’t fully expect. She couldn’t determine exactly when she’d become aroused, and wasn’t going to dive into the what or how or _who_ right now. Because she knew. She knew and decided to hide that away like a diary key, desperate to just escape that truth for now. Slowly pressing further up and down her slit, she began to moan softly, visualizing a head of short blonde hair between her legs as she breathlessly pleasured herself to thoughts of something she knew could never be.

  
  


Turning the knob to the hot water as far as she could, Audrey prepared her shower, hoping to wash away more than just the stench of what the day had left on her skin. She wanted to cleanse her mind more than anything else; let any and all depraved thoughts spiral down the drain and float far away, never to return and continue to complicate things. Removing her clothes and hanging a clean towel just outside the shower door, she slowly stepped in and audibly gasped at the relief the steaming hot water brought. Tilting her head back, she let the water veil her head and shoulders, willing it to purify her mind along with everything else. Grabbing the body wash from the ledge, she poured some out on her loofah and lathered all of her crevices, stopping when she reached between her legs. She let out a whimpered sigh, irritated with how soon she’d let herself give in to her physical desires. Leaning back against the shower wall, she hung the loofah back up and let her hand travel back down, seeking the release she swore she could resist. Bringing her other hand up to her breast, she bit her lip to muffle the guttural moan that escaped her throat. Thoughts of long legs in tight yoga pants, a small, secret tattoo and a swift left-hook inundated her mind despite her best efforts. Writhing against the shower wall, she came harder and faster than she ever had in her life. As she regained her senses, chest still heaving, she evaluated the situation she’d found herself in and came to one conclusion: _she was fucked._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this one took a little longer to update - hopefully it was worth the wait;) would love to hear what y'all think so far. thanks for keeping me excited about this story <3


	7. magnets

 

 

“Move out of the way, you idiot!”, Audrey yelled, as someone nearly cut her off in traffic.

 

She was on her way to her second of three auditions for a part she would hate to admit she  _really wanted._ Jamming her fists into her horn, she sighed and threw her head back on the head rest. She was  _frustrated_ and it wasn’t just because she was already fifteen minutes late. She’d intentionally stayed out of the house over the past few weeks, spending time on anything and everything that would keep her busy and distracted. Yet, as much as she tried, she was failing miserably at keeping her mind off of the woman back at home. _What was she doing? What was she wearing? Was she thinking about her, too? Was Mr. Yoga hitting on her again and did she need to swing by the studio just to make sure?_ Shaking the thoughts from her mind, she pinched the bridge of her nose and cursed herself. At least she didn’t have to see her in person and resist finding a reason to touch her. The thought had her squeezing her thighs together, as her body began to react involuntarily to images of where she’d like the touch to go. _This has got to stop_ , she berated herself. Snapping her out of her internal conflict, her phone began to ring through the Bluetooth of her car. Collecting herself to answer it, she pressed the accept button on her steering wheel without checking the Caller ID.

 

“Hello?”, Audrey said, aggravation still gripping her voice.

 

“Hi, Miss Tindall? This is Will Turner, Shelby Miller’s attorney?”

 

_Fuck_. In the middle of her diligent attempt to avoid Shelby, she’d forgotten all about the weekly progress reports she was supposed to be sending as part of their arrangement with the courts.

 

“Hi, yes, Will, of course. How are you?”, she stuttered, trying to distract him with small talk while she came up with a believable excuse as to why she hadn’t sent the documents he needed.

 

“I’m doing well. Listen, I just wanted to connect with you regarding Miss Miller’s reports. We haven’t received anything from you in weeks and they are a mandatory part of…”

 

“I know, I know I’m sorry Will...,” Audrey said, cutting him off. “I’ve just had some... _personal_ matters to tend to but I can assure you I will have them all off to you today.” Audrey knew from experience that more often than not, a man would rather not question a woman’s “personal matters”, and she banked on that being the case with Will. She was right.

 

“Oh, I—well, okay Miss Tindall. That’s quite alright. If you could have them sent by the end of the day today that would be great.”

 

“Absolutely! Will do.” Audrey let out a breath of relief, hoping it didn’t translate through the phone.

 

“Thank you,” Will responded. After a beat of hesitant silence, and right before Audrey could count her blessings and end the call, Will asked, “Oh, Miss Tindall? While I have you here, how are things going? Any behavioral issues I should know about? Is she...doing okay?”

 

Audrey rolled her eyes at the question. _Behavioral issues. What was she, a child?_ She found herself offended for Shelby, but quickly realized the woman may have displayed some _less than ideal_ actions in the last few weeks. Memories of Shelby’s outbursts flashed through her mind, the last of which was that of her nearly knocking a guy out for manhandling her. Yet, she couldn’t bring herself to potentially ruin any of Shelby’s progress with the courts by reporting these short bouts of emotion. Screw ethics. She knew Shelby was doing her best and refused to rat her out.

 

“Uhm, yes. She’s doing great. She seems to keep busy with exercise and some kind of odd meditation practice, so you can imagine how boring things have been,” Audrey said, turning on her signature charm.

 

Pausing again for a few seconds, Will finally responded, “Well, good. I’m glad to hear that. I guess I’ll let you go then…”

 

“Great, thanks Will! Goodbye then!” Audrey said. But before she could hang up, Will interjected, “But Miss Tindall? If anything... _anything_ out of the ordinary happens? I need you to call me as soon as possible.”

 

Audrey hadn’t heard his tone that serious in the short communications they’d had before, and was taken aback by the sudden change of tone. _Did he know something? How could he?_ Nonetheless, she swallowed the lump in her throat and responded, “I—absolutely. Thanks Will, bye now.” She smashed the end button as hard as she could until she was sure the call had ended.

 

“Jesus Christ…”, she muttered to herself, suddenly feeling a strong need for a stiff beverage. Pressing a few buttons on her touch screen, she called one of her few confidants.

 

“Hello, Audrey? You out already?”

 

“No, I’ve actually just pulled in. But the minute I’m out I’m coming over. And there’d better be a dirty martini waiting for me.”

 

***

 

Shelby found herself typing and deleting texts to Audrey for weeks. Occasionally, she’d find little notes in the kitchen letting her know she’d be home late and not to wait up, or to let Jasper know if she needed anything. The house felt cold and empty without the hint of Audrey’s Chanel perfume wafting through the air, or her sarcastic remarks reverberating off the walls. Shelby had become accustomed to the woman’s presence, and in her absence she was left to her own devices in keeping herself busy. She also couldn’t help but wonder if maybe she’d done something wrong or said something to upset her. It was strange for her to just be gone for days, and it left Shelby curious and a bit unsettled.

 

_Hopefully she’s okay._

 

A small part of her did feel a sense of relief, not having to see Audrey and wade through whatever this  _thing_ was between them. The first few days she tried to move on like nothing had changed, that Audrey was simply a shoulder to lean on during this confusing time in her life. Audrey, however, had become _the_ most confusing thing in her life. As unhealthy as it was, she could compartmentalize every other aspect of her life except for what she felt when Audrey was around. Maybe this distance was a good thing. Maybe this is all it would take to let the infatuation fizzle out, allowing her to focus on her recovery and not what her housemate’s lips would taste like.

 

Taking one final look in the mirror as she finished brushing her hair, Shelby headed out for a much needed appointment with her therapist.

 

***

 

Leaving her audition, Audrey felt a genuine confidence that she hadn’t experienced in quite some time. She couldn’t put her finger on what had changed in her, what allowed her to tap into her talent again, but she was grateful to finally leave an audition with her head held high. Although she didn’t want to jinx it, she daydreamed about what many had deemed “a role of a lifetime”. Feeling herself drift, she snapped herself out of the fantasy and focused on parking in front of her old friend’s flat.

 

Gillian and Audrey had been friends since their humble beginnings at the West End theatre. Gillian was the only one who could see through Audrey’s posh exterior, and Audrey was the one who introduced her to her husband. Their friendship was built on mutual respect and a genuine intolerance for bullshit. So when Audrey threw back her first martini and flopped down on her friend’s plush sofa, Gillian immediately saw through her.

 

“Alright well, go on then. Who is he? Or she? I feel like it’s a she. Yeah, dirty martini is usually a she.”

 

Audrey shot her a bewildered glance as she tried to keep her cool, reaching for the martini shaker to refresh her empty drink.

 

“I haven’t a clue what you mean. I’m just  _exhausted_ from this bloody part. This character is almost as big of an alcoholic as you.”

 

Gillian gave a small smirk but didn’t let up, “Very funny. Now tell me about what...or should I say _who_ has got you all hot and bothered?”

 

Audrey opened her mouth to protest but knew there was no use. Gillian could read her like a book and there was really never any point in fighting it. Sighing dramatically, she took a generous gulp of her drink and conceded.

 

“So, as you know, I’ve got this house guest...”

 

“The criminal?”

 

Audrey shot her a serious glare. “She is not a criminal...not technically anyway.”

 

Laughing openly Gillian quipped, “Boy, you really know how to pick ‘em, don’t you?”

 

Normally amused at her friend's crass sense of humor, Audrey found her chest tightening as she grew defensive for the second time in just the last few hours. But deep down, she knew Gillian only meant well, and in her defense, it was a peculiar situation to wrap one’s mind around. Gaining her composure, she went to continue, but not before pinching her friend’s leg.

 

“Ow! Jesus that hurt! I’m only joking!”

 

Satisfied with herself, Audrey continued, “Anyway...I don’t quite know how to explain it. One minute we’re at each other’s throats and the next we’re…”

 

“You’re?”, Gillian exasperated impatiently.

 

“We’re...at a bar, after yoga…”

 

“WAIT. Pause. _Yoga_? Since when does Audrey Tindall sweat voluntarily!?”

 

Audrey finishes her drink and snatches the bottle of vodka to pour herself something a little stronger, doing her best to ignore her sarcastic friend.

 

“Wow. She’s really got a hold on you doesn’t she?”

 

Wincing at the undiluted alcohol in her glass, she finally looks back up and her friend can see the pained, helpless look on her face.

 

“Oh, darling. What are you going to do?”

 

“I mean...this. This seems good. I’ve managed to avoid her for weeks, what’s a few more? You’ve got a spare room, right?”

 

Gillian widened her eyes, knowing Audrey was joking but needing to make sure. “You know you sound absolutely bonkers, right? This is insane, Audrey! You can’t even go back to your own home? How much longer is she staying?”

 

“About four months to go”, she replied, painfully realizing just how many days she’d have to continue to endure this.

 

Noticing her internal suffering, Gillian decided to pull back on the teasing and try and actually comfort her friend.

 

“Listen, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize how...complicated everything was. Sorry if I was insensitive. I just...I’m not used to seeing you like this, you know.”

 

Softening under her friend’s concerned gaze, Audrey conceded, “I know. I don’t know what the fuck is happening—but I do know I need a proper martini this vodka is dreadful on its own.”

 

Chuckling at the look of disgust on Audrey’s face as she still proceeded to toss back the rest of her drink, Gillian got up to make them a fresh batch of martinis in the kitchen. Audrey followed her, and sat on a bar stool as she prepared their cocktails.

 

Handing Audrey her drink then taking a sip of her own, Gillian decided it was best to table the discussion for now. “So what are you wearing to the banquet? I’ve got this greenish number I haven’t worn yet...”

 

Audrey choked a bit on her martini as she registered what her friend had just said. The banquet. She’d completely forgotten it was this Friday. Shit.

 

“Uhm, oh you know, probably just a simple cocktail dress, nothing too over the top…”

 

Gillian just stared back at her, cogs visibly turning in her mind.

 

“Hmm, no that won’t do. Come.”

 

Audrey furrowed her brow, having no clue what her friend was up to. As she followed her down the hall and into her bedroom, she realized she was leading her to her gigantic walk-in closet. She ran her fingers over neatly pressed clothing and stopped to pull out the one she had in mind.

 

“Oh I think you’d look _hot_ in this. Try it on.”

 

Examining the dress, Audrey couldn’t help but fall in love with the long sleeved lace fabric, until she held it up to herself and noticed just how low the neckline plunged.

 

“Jesus, this isn’t open heart surgery...there’s no way I’m wearing that, Gillian. Absolutely not.”

 

“Okay, miss modesty, would you at least try it on? So I can get the full visual?”, She said with a cheeky wink.

 

Audrey scoffed but snatched the dress and begrudgingly went into the other side of the closet to change, while Gillian mumbled, “Nothing I haven’t seen before…”

 

After several minutes of adjusting everything, and doing her best to pull down the hem that sat just a couple inches higher on her leg than she was comfortable with, she stepped over to let Gillian see her.

 

“Oh, Audrey. You look edible. You have to wear this. I won’t take no for an answer.”

 

Audrey turned around to face the mirror, giving the dress another look as she gave a full turn, biting her lip as she saw just how low the neckline dipped, about six inches from her belly button. It was more skin than she was used to showing but she had to admit, she felt sexy.

 

“Fine. But I don’t have any shoes to go with it so, guess I’ll have to borrow some of those, too,” she said over her shoulder as she made her way into the second part of the closet filled with all the latest Louboutin, Gucci and Jimmy Choo heels. Since Rory passed, Gillian had been begging her to come over and raid her closet for a girl’s night out, and she’d declined every time. That never sounded like fun until now. Until there was something, or more specifically _someone,_ she had in mind to get dressed up for.

 

“So, uh, were you thinking of bringing anyone? Sure would hate to see this look go to waste…”

 

“Shut up. I don’t know,” Audrey said, visibly frustrated, contemplating the ridiculous notion that she knew Gillian was getting at.

 

“Well, even still, maybe take a couple more dresses, you know, in case you change your mind and want options,” Gillian said with a coy wink. “Shoes, too...maybe a half size up? I’ve got two of everything for some bloody reason. Designers seem to think a woman’s feet still grow after fifty I guess...imbeciles…,” she muttered to herself as she threw about ten pairs of shoes in a bag to give to Audrey. “There you go, love. Should be plenty to choose from.”

 

Audrey shot her a look that said _“I know what you’re up to”_ , but gave her friend a tight hug nonetheless. “Thank you”, she said in her ear. “I wasn’t sure I was ready to go out to one of these things yet…”

 

“Oh, darling. You are as fierce as they come. But I understand. I’m proud of you for taking this step. Everyone will be so happy to see you.”

 

Audrey gave a smile and nodded, although the hesitance was still written all over her face.

 

As Gillian helped Audrey out to her car with the bags she’d sent her home with, she stopped to hug her one last time, running her hands down her arms to hold her hands.

 

“Listen, I know it’s none of my business, but I’d like to think I know you better than anyone,” Gillian started as Audrey finally looked up from her shoes to make eye contact, a small glimmer of a tear in one of her eyes. Somewhere between the closet and the car, a rush of emotions hit her. She didn't know how she was going to get through her first social outing since she'd become a widow.

 

“I just want you to thrive, my love.” She paused to brush a stray hair out of Audrey’s eyes, making sure she made eye contact that conveyed her seriousness. “I think you should bring her.” Audrey huffed and looked away, but her friend pulled her arms to keep her attention. “Don’t give me that. For heaven's sake you both probably need to cut loose for a night and get out of that house.” Audrey wasn’t going to tell her that getting out of the house was what got her in this mess in the first place.

 

“Look, all I’m saying is, think about it. I'll be there for you of course but, you know I'll be running around all night. Could be a good distraction...and I’d like to meet the woman that’s got you this fucked up. Must be a real knockout.”

 

Audrey smirked and gave her a light punch on the shoulder. _You have no idea._

 

With a final embrace and a kiss on each cheek, Gillian bid Audrey goodbye, waving at her from the sidewalk as she drove way. Looking in the rear view mirror until she was out of sight, Audrey smiled to herself and thanked her lucky stars for a friend like her. In her peripheral, she spotted the dress bags hanging in her backseat. She suddenly felt nervous, palms sweating on the steering wheel, chest and cheeks going flush. Would Shelby even want to come to some swanky charity event with her? Were things awkward between them now? Was this even a good idea considering the last time they were out together with alcohol involved? All of these questions swirled around in her head as she tried to convince herself that this wasn’t a big deal. She would simply ask, and if she were rejected, then it would be just like ripping off a bandage. A bandage that was sealing away all of the unspoken words between them; the yearning looks, the thick tension in the air anytime they were in a room together. It had to end sometime. Why not let the inevitable ravage them sooner than later.

 

 

 

Later that night, Audrey sat at the kitchen island with her laptop, frantically typing up the reports Will had asked for. Technically they were already late, but she planned to tell him she understood “before the end of the day” as “before midnight”. She figured Shelby had gone to bed already, relieved she didn’t have to worry about an interaction before morning. She wanted the invitation to sound as casual as possible, and right now she was in no condition to deliver that. Exhausted from being on the move for so long, she couldn’t wait to take a hot bath and forgo setting her alarm for the morning.

 

Rubbing her temples to focus on writing a few more sentences, she hadn’t noticed the pajama-clad woman entering the kitchen. _If you could call boy shorts and a tank top pajamas._

 

Surprised to finally see her, Shelby’s eyes widened as she blushed, “Oh—sorry I didn’t think anyone would be down here.”

 

Glancing up, Audrey panicked; fully unprepared to see her, and even more unprepared to see her wearing _that_.

 

“Um, no it’s fine...sorry if I woke you coming in,” Audrey said as she fumbled with her glasses, setting them down on the counter.

 

Feeling exposed, Shelby moved to hide her lower half behind the kitchen island between them.

 

“No, you didn’t. I couldn't sleep so I came down to make some tea. Would you like some?”

 

Audrey hesitated, but finally surrendered. She couldn’t hide forever. “Sure.”

 

Pursing her lips into a small smile, Shelby went to fill up the tea kettle and prepare their mugs. As they sat and waited for the steam to whistle and disrupt the awkward silence, Audrey finally decided to end the stalemate.

 

“I’m sorry I haven’t been around much…”, she started, catching deep blue eyes that seemed to harbor a surprising hint of hurt. Suddenly feeling the need to explain herself, she continued, “I just had a lot to take care of…” Shelby shook her head as if to tell her she didn’t have to elaborate, and Audrey realized she didn’t actually have a good explanation for her recent scarcity anyway, so she redirected.

 

“But I was reminded of this event I have to attend. Kind of a silly thing really, but it’s for charity and a good friend is hosting it and well…” Catching herself rambling, she finally got to the point and asked, “Would you...want to come with me?”

 

Shelby’s eyebrows lifted with surprise just seconds before the tea kettle began to whistle, adding to her bewilderment as she quickly turned to the stove to remove it from the heat. Focusing on filling the cups with the hot water carefully, she’d used those short few seconds to replay Audrey’s question in her head. _Did she really just ask me to go with her?_

 

Bringing the steaming mugs over to the island, she asked, “Honey?” Audrey’s eyes shot up at the term of endearment, but realized Shelby had reached for the bottle of honey and was asking if she wanted any in her tea.

 

“Oh, um, yes. Thank you.” _Jesus Christ, get your shit together Tindall._

 

After a few more beats of sufficiently awkward silence and tea sipping, Shelby decided to be the one to speak this time. “So, this event. When is it?”

 

Having briefly forgotten she’d asked the question, Audrey calibrated, “Right, yes. This Friday.”

 

“Friday? Like, tomorrow?”

 

“Christ, is tomorrow Friday already?”, Audrey replied, glancing over at the calendar on the wall. “Shit. Well, listen I understand if it’s short notice…”

 

“No, it’s okay. I just...don’t really have anything to wear.”

 

Audrey did her best to hide the mixed feelings of shock and excitement that flooded her system and coyly replied, “I may have a few things you could borrow.”

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> party time ;) already working on the next chapter, but to tide you over, the companion song will be Good For You by Selena Gomez (don’t judge cuz it slaps and it was too perfect not to ok? you’ll see) 😌


	8. dinner & diatribes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because I'm obsessed with coupling music with fics: dinner & diatribes by hozier ♥️

  
  
As her feet pounded the pavement, Shelby concentrated on the furthest house she could see, resolving to run even faster until she reached it. After a while, the muscles in her legs were burning. She pushed on, trying to focus narrowly on driving her body to the limit. After reaching the brick home, instead of slowing down she maintained her pace until she found herself back in front of Audrey’s house. Looking down at her watch, she realized she’d shaved thirty seconds off of her mile pace. She felt lighter; like she’d suddenly stripped herself of a weighted vest of self-doubt and depreciation and could finally open up her chest for a full inhale of fresh air. Thinking about the night ahead, a mix of jitters and exhilaration swirled at the pit of her stomach. At least Audrey was talking to her again. Not only that, she wanted to take her out in public to meet her friends and colleagues. Shelby figured she would never meet any of Audrey’s friends or family, considering the abnormal explanation as to how they knew each other and why she was staying with her. All of it seemed like a subject Audrey would want to keep hidden until the six months was over and she could pretend it never happened. Not too long ago, Shelby herself would similarly have said she’d want to forget this whole experience of a court-appointed home and guardian. Yet, as she finished catching her breath, she realized she wasn’t exactly as miserable as she thought she’d be.

  


Audrey busied herself with errands for most of the day, nervous thoughts and anxiety flooding her system. Not only was she antsy about tonight, she was also waiting to hear back from her agent about her latest audition. Welcome distractions included a massage, manicure, pedicure and a full wax. Keeping herself well-groomed was a way she sought to maintain control in the few areas of her life that she still could. Feeling confident in her appearance was always a priority, especially when socializing with her peers. If she could keep the external facade of being put together, maybe she could convince people she felt that way on the inside, too. As she left the last salon of the day, she texted her hair dresser, Janet, asking if she could be at the house at 5:00. Even though her hair didn’t take much time to style, she knew that Shelby might need some help with her long locks, so she booked her just in case.

  


Standing under the rainfall shower head, Shelby allowed the hot water to soothe her muscles as she closed her eyes and daydreamed. She pondered over the night ahead, hoping the dress Audrey had for her would help her fit in with the crowd well enough. She’d hate to stick out like a sore thumb, just asking for the stares she was sure were coming anyway. There had to be at least some people that had seen My Roanoke Nightmare, in support of Audrey. Squeezing the floral-scented shampoo in her hand, she lathered it through her long hair, which had grown passed her elbows over the past couple months. She made a mental note to ask Audrey what a good hair salon would be in the area. Continuing her daze, she began thinking of what Audrey would be wearing. Something fashionable, but modest as usual, she thought. She chuckled a bit, thinking of what it would be like to see Audrey work a room, turning on her signature magnetism and having every man there eating out of the palm of her hand.  _Parties like this must be where she thrives._ Rinsing out the shampoo to apply conditioner and begin shaving her legs, she took in a deep breath and decided that as long as she stuck by Audrey’s side, she might actually have a decent time. Finally turning off the water and drying herself off, she still couldn’t shake the lingering flutter in her gut.

 

As she towel-dried her hair in the bedroom, she heard a knock at the door. Panicking for a second, she went to find a dry towel to wrap herself in before finally answering the door. It was Audrey, with a couple of dress bags cradled in her arms and a pile of shoes on top.

 

“Hi, sorry, I didn’t realize you were…” Trying her best to keep eye contact, Audrey’s cheeks flushed involuntarily at the woman in front of her. Hair still dripping from the shower, drops of water had pooled just above her clavicle, and unwelcome thoughts of leaning in and licking them up flashed through Audrey’s mind as she blinked rapidly, willing herself to gain a morsel of self-control.

 

“No it’s fine...here, come in. I’ll just be a minute.”

 

Nodding her head once, Audrey stepped into the room and went to lay out Shelby’s options on the bed. She’d already looked at both dresses, and secretly had her personal favorite, but decided to release control this once and let Shelby make her own decision. Stepping back into the room in shorts and a camisole, Shelby approached the bed with part of her bottom lip in her mouth.

 

“Are these dresses of yours?”

 

“Not exactly...they belong to a friend of mine, actually. You’ll meet her tonight.”

 

Shelby looked up at her apprehensively.

 

“Oh don’t worry, she won’t mind at all, trust me. She’d rather see them put to good use than hanging in her closet.”

 

Pursing her lips together into a thin smile, Shelby finally nodded her head as she moved to unzip one of the bags.

 

“Alright, well. I guess I’ll let you get ready...Oh! I forgot to mention, my hairdresser Janet is coming by to do my hair. That shouldn’t take long...would you like her to come by and fix you up when she’s done?”

 

Shelby was surprised by the offer, but had to admit she’d love some help, since her hair had recently become harder to manage with the added length.

 

“Are you sure? I can pay her for her time, I don’t want her to…”

 

“Nonsense. It's taken care of. I’ll send her over in about an hour?”

 

“Sounds good. Thank you. I really appreciate it.”

 

With a nod and a smile, Audrey gave her one last look before heading back to her room to begin getting ready herself.

  
  


Nearly two hours later, Janet was just finishing up Shelby’s hair when Audrey was knocking at the door once again.

 

“Come on in! We’re just about done with this gorgeous head of hair,”Janet called out as she gave Shelby a wink.

 

Turning her head as much as she could while Janet still had a curling iron twirled around a strand of hair, Shelby caught a glance of Audrey as she walked in. The first thing she saw was her six-inch red bottom heels, which did everything for her long, slender legs. Her hair wasn’t too extremely different, but carried much more volume and body all around, gently combed back with a small amount of product. It was a subtle change but looked uniquely elegant. Her makeup was bold at her cheeks and eyes, complemented by a light pink, almost nude lipstick that accentuated her full lips perfectly. She wore a small hoop earring in her cartilage piercing, along with simple, but clearly expensive diamonds hanging from her earlobes. Her black dress fit just as well as it did before, with double-sided tape hiding just within the neckline between her breasts to prevent any wardrobe malfunctions.

 

“I figured you might not have the appropriate jewelry to match, so I brought a few things.”

 

Shelby’s mouth had gone dry, so she quickly licked her lips and reluctantly pulled her gaze from Audrey to the box she’d set down in front of her.

 

“Oh, you didn’t have to do that I have some…”

 

“Please, I’ve seen your hippie jewelry. No, this…” Audrey said as she pulled out a long, delicate silver chain from the small box.

 

“This will go perfectly...with either dress.”

 

As Janet turned away to begin gathering her things, Audrey stepped into her place just behind the chair Shelby was sitting in. Without a word, she placed the necklace around her neck, as Shelby’s mouth fell open slightly at the sudden, delicate touch. The necklace was gorgeous and completely Audrey’s style. Brushing her hair all to the left side, her fingertips grazed the younger woman’s shoulders so lightly goosebumps surfaced across her back and arms. Shelby didn’t realize she was holding her breath until Audrey finally spoke, locking eyes with her in the mirror.

 

“Perfect.”

 

The gaze lingered for a few seconds longer, until Audrey realized her hands were still resting on Shelby’s shoulders. Removing them abruptly, she moved back to the rest of the jewelry.

 

“Anyway, I’ll let you choose whatever else you’d like. I’m going to call the car. Think you can be dressed and ready to go in, let’s say, twenty minutes?”

 

Shelby just nodded her head, still calibrating her thoughts.

 

“Right. Okay, then. I’ll be downstairs.”

 

Janet still stood at Shelby’s side, watching for Audrey to close the door behind her.

 

“Wow. So are you two...old friends?”

 

Looking at her incredulously, Shelby shook her head. “Not exactly. It’s...kind of a long story.”

 

Janet stared back at her and smirked. “Oh, I see. Read you loud and clear.”

 

“No it’s—it’s not like that. We’ve just been through a very... _unique_ experience together.”

 

Janet raised an eyebrow. “Well, it must’ve been particularly _unique_ because I’ve known Audrey for nearly twenty years and...I’ve never seen her look at anyone the way she’s just looked at you.”

 

Shelby grew overwhelmingly warm as her ears turned bright red. She opened her mouth to protest but before she could, Janet was bidding her goodbye and wishing her luck.

 

Gaining her composure, she pushed Janet’s words to the back of her mind as she finished getting ready.

  
  


Audrey wasn’t accustomed to waiting—for anyone. Yet, as she leisurely poured a glass of wine, she leaned back against the kitchen counter, content to wait as long as she needed to for the woman accompanying her tonight. The nerves hadn’t fully dissipated. She still anticipated all of the pitying glances and people rattling off “sorry for your loss” the entire night. A headache threatened her frontal lobe for a short time until she heard a door close upstairs. Taking a final sip of her drink, she approached the staircase to meet her companion for the night. As Shelby made her way down the staircase, tucking a hair behind her ear self-consciously, Audrey immediately noticed the striking red dress she wore.  _Good choice_. It was a floor length dress made of silk-like material, intimately dipping and curving in all the right places. There were several thin straps; two that ran just above her shoulders and two just under her arms, exposing most of her back and defined arms. Her silver heels perfectly complemented her ensemble, and her jewelry remained simple but elegant. As she reached the bottom of the staircase, Audrey couldn’t help her fixation on the taller woman’s bold eye makeup that made her deep blue eyes more captivating than ever, or her long, wavy locks that fell perfectly over her shoulders, ending just above her elbows.

 

“Sorry I’m late,” Shelby said meekly.

 

Still raking her eyes over the younger woman’s form, Audrey finally responded, “You look...stunning.”

 

Blushing at the sudden compliment, Shelby replied, “Thank you...so do you. I love that dress on you.” As soon as she said it, Shelby realized the “on you” may have seemed forward, but Audrey didn’t seem to mind.

 

Audrey couldn’t help but notice Shelby wringing her hands together and avoiding eye contact. She completely understood the nervous mannerisms. After all, she was stepping into a situation that had to be very far outside of her comfort zone: a swanky event full of pompous rich people she’d never met.

 

“Would you like a glass?”, Audrey said as she raised the bottle of Merlot.

 

“Uhm, no, thanks. Maybe once I’ve had a chance to make a good first impression.”

 

“Oh, please. They’re all going to love you. And then subsequently ignore you because you can’t help them climb the Londonian social ladder. It’s a good thing trust me. You don’t want them latching onto you like the leeches they are. I’ll protect you, don’t worry”, Audrey teased with a sly wink.

 

“Oh, really?”

 

“Yes, of course. I’m the master of deflection. You’ll see.”

 

As the two exchanged almost flirtatious smiles, they heard a car horn honking outside.

 

“Oh, there’s our ride.”

 

Gathering their things, they locked up and headed to the town car waiting for them in the driveway. It was larger than most cars they’d ridden in, and Shelby figured Audrey sprung for a more elegant vehicle considering the occasion. Audrey gave the driver the address and they were headed off to the party, both women internally convincing themselves everything would be fine.

 

Shelby could feel the woman next to her fidgeting, even though there was at least an arm’s length of space between them. Audrey appeared to be checking her phone more than usual, unlocking it, glancing through her messages and e-mails, then locking it again.

 

“Expecting a call?”

 

Slightly flustered by the question, Audrey responded, “Um, well. Yes. Sort of. Any kind of communication really.” She paused to collect herself, initially wary of sharing something so vulnerable with the woman next to her.

 

“It’s just...I’m in the middle of a grueling audition process for this role I’m...very interested in.”

 

Shelby lifted her brows with a genuine expression of interest.

 

“Anyway, I just expected to hear from the casting director by now is all.”

 

Audrey didn’t let most people see behind her carefully crafted veil of self preservation. As long as she could appear to be unaffected and cavalier, she’d have a better time coping with the disappointment of not getting the job she secretly wanted more than anything.

 

Sensing Audrey’s discontentment, Shelby reached over to place her hand on top of hers.

 

“You’ll hear from them soon. I can feel it.”

 

Audrey rolled her eyes, pretending to be put off by the spiritual spin Shelby seemed to put on everything. Yet, when they finally made eye contact, she could see that the younger woman was being nothing but authentic in her sentiment.

 

“Thank you. I hope you’re right.”

 

Shelby pursed her lips and squeezed Audrey’s hand once before finally letting go. She could tell how much this part meant to her, even if she didn’t want to admit it. Turning her head to gaze up at the moon, she sent a silent prayer out into the universe, hoping everything would work out in Audrey’s favor.

 

When they finally arrived, Shelby hadn’t quite expected the degree of extravagance that began with the marble statues and three-tier water fountains at the entrance of the mansion they’d just entered. It was unlike anything she’d ever seen, with at least twenty men and women dressed in uniformed tuxedos buzzing back and forth serving champagne and hors d'oeuvres to the guests as they arrived. String lights and fine tapestry were draped throughout the gargantuan home, with intricate floral arrangements at each high-top cocktail table in the room they were escorted into. Their senses were greeted by the sound of a live pianist at the head of the room and the smell of Italian themed appetizers as the trays came and went from the kitchen.

 

Everything seemed like a blur since they’d arrived, each man and woman that came to greet Audrey more posh and austere than the next. As things finally began to slow down, having introduced herself to at least a dozen people in just the last five minutes, Shelby realized she had a vice grip on Audrey’s arm.

 

“Sorry,” she said, loosening her hands.

 

“You’re doing fine.” Audrey chuckled. She then noticed a familiar man approaching them. “Why don’t you grab us some champagne. I’ll distract this one. He’s got a thing for women half his age.”

 

Shelby let out a sigh of relief. Nodding at Audrey in affirmation of her plan, she went to find a server.

 

“Well if it isn’t Audrey Tindall! The reality television star has graced us with her presence!”

 

Audrey winced for a split second before she pulled on her mask of social excellence, turning to greet Mr. Daniels and his group of friends.

 

“Oh, George. You know I’ve always got time for you!” Audrey leaned in to peck each individual on the cheek and proceeded to steer the conversation in every direction but her personal life for as long as she possibly could. After several bouts of fake laughter, she finally caught Shelby’s scarlet dress in the corner of her eye. She managed to successfully attain their champagne, but seemed to be caught up by a couple Audrey knew to be incredibly friendly and extremely nosey. Sensing that she needed to save her from a conversation that was bound to get uncomfortable, she kept glancing over to attempt to make eye contact with Shelby.

 

“Listen, Audrey. We heard about Rory. I am...so sorry for your loss. Truly.”

 

The sudden sentiment gained her attention. “Oh. Thank you, George. I’m...thank you.” She felt her chest tighten. She hated that no matter how much she’d prepared for this, her body still emotionally reacted to the reminder that he wasn’t here. Tears began to threaten the corner of her eyes when she felt a gentle touch on her forearm.

 

“Hi. Sorry, I got caught up. I finished mine, but here’s yours.”

 

Audrey let out the breath she’d been holding, eternally grateful for Shelby’s impeccable timing. “You’re a gem,” she whispered as she took the champagne flute from Shelby.

 

“Uhm, George. This is Shelby Miller. She’s—a friend of mine.”

 

“Oh, well hello there,” George said as he reached for her hand, placing a chaste kiss on her knuckle. Blushing, Shelby gave a nod and finally said, “Nice to meet you, George.”

 

“Audrey Tindall, where have you been hiding this one? I’d have liked to meet her ages ago.”

 

Pursing her lips, Audrey responded coyly, “That’s precisely why she’s been kept hidden, George.”

 

George immediately erupted in laughter, followed by his band of cohorts. He adored Audrey and thought most things she had to say were hilarious, even if they weren’t meant to be jokes.

 

“No, really. Where’d you two meet?”

 

Blinking rapidly, Audrey looked over at Shelby, desperately searching for a way to change the subject. Obviously he hadn’t watched the show, but surely someone here had.

 

“Audrey, darling!”

 

Turning on her heel, once again grateful for the interruption, Audrey caught sight of Gillian making her way towards them.

 

“Gillian! My dear, timely friend,” Audrey said under her breath as she leaned in to kiss her cheek. Gillian gave her a wink, seeming to know that they’d needed saving.

 

“George, dear, do you mind if I steal these two? We’ve got some business to tend to.”

 

“Oh, sure. But you owe me a dance later—the lot of you!”

 

“Okay, bye now!” Gillian maneuvered herself between Shelby and Audrey, linking her arms with theirs as she led them away. “Christ, I thought he’d never let up.”

 

Escorting them over to the bar, Gillian finally stopped and turned to look at Shelby.

 

“So, you must be Shelby.”

 

Surprised that this woman she’d never met knew her name, Shelby looked over at Audrey then back to Gillian.

 

“I’m Gillian. Audrey’s oldest, most charming mate. Isn’t that right, dear?”

 

Jabbing her in the ribs, Audrey replied, “Well, oldest is right…”

 

Scoffing dramatically, Gillian extended her hand to shake Shelby’s. “I’m sure you’ve learned to ignore her by now. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”

 

Shelby nodded her head with a polite smile, “Nice to meet you.”

 

“So, fancy a drink?”

 

After slipping behind the bar and pouring their drinks with a heavy hand, Gillian led them over to a cocktail table in the corner. They talked for a few minutes, which mostly consisted of Gillian complaining about having to host these self-important assholes and hoping she could guilt them into donating as much of their money as possible. Shelby could tell her and Audrey had an easy chemistry, and were incredibly comfortable around one another. It seemed as though they were in their own world, occasionally trying their best to include Shelby in their conversation. She didn’t particularly mind, as it was better than being interrogated by another probing couple. She told herself she wanted to give Audrey the space to connect with her friend, so she thought of a valid reason to step away. As she tossed back her strong cocktail, feeling the vodka burn then subsequently warm her insides, she asked Gillian where to find the restroom and excused herself quietly.

 

“Well, damn. Did I scare her away?”

 

Watching Shelby walk away, not missing the way her hair bounced beautifully over her bare back, Audrey turned back to Gillian. “I—I don’t know. I think she’s just overwhelmed by all of this. Can’t say I blame her.”

 

“True…” Gillian said pensively. “So, have you shagged yet?”

 

Fully spitting out her vodka soda, causing several servers to look their way, Audrey glared at Gillian with wide eyes. “Jesus Christ, Gillian!”

 

“What, it’s a simple question.”

 

“It’s been _one day_ since I’ve been back home. What? You think I jumped her bones the moment I saw her? For fuck’s sake...”

 

“Wow, someone’s on edge. I’m only joking. Bartender, can you fix her up another one? Poor thing needs it, apparently.”

 

“Listen, all joking aside. You know as well as I do, that cannot and will not happen.”

 

“Audrey...”

 

“I’m serious, Gillian. It’s all too complicated. You can’t even begin to understand…” Audrey looked away, visibly frustrated. Gillian stood back, slightly offended that Audrey would shut her out like that.

 

“Fine. Maybe you’re right. I could never understand this thing between you two. But Audrey?”

 

Stepping forward, she grabbed the drink the bartender had just handed her and placed it in front of Audrey. “Sooner or later, you’re going to have to come to terms with the fact that it’s not...nothing. Even I can see that.”

 

Frustrated with the truth of her friend’s words, Audrey swiped the drink in front of her and took a generous swig.

 

Giving her a sympathetic look and a light squeeze on her shoulder, Gillian conceded, “If it makes any difference it seems to be...mutual.” Looking over Audrey’s shoulder, she caught sight of Shelby standing against a door jam across the room.

 

Audrey just sighed and stared contemplatively into her drink.

 

“Listen, darling. I have to go continue this hosting bullshit. But…” She waited until Audrey finally gave her eye contact. “Do me a favor? Have fun tonight, okay? For me?” She gave a little pout that caused Audrey to finally crack a smile. “I’ll try my best. No promises, though.”

 

Gillian rolled her eyes and gave her a parting hug. “Well, go try your best in that direction.” Audrey followed Gillian’s eyes behind her until she found a tall, knockout of a blonde standing against the wall.

 

As Gillian walked away, Audrey tossed back the rest of her drink and asked the bartender for two more. Gathering them both, she took in a deep breath and made her way over to Shelby.

 

Shelby was doing her best to fit in with the crowd and seem as comfortable as possible, but she was screaming on the inside. This environment was not anything she was used to, and she felt like the one person she wanted to be close to was already occupied by someone else. She planned to slip away quietly, call a cab and text Audrey later that she wasn’t feeling well. It was a shitty move but, Audrey didn’t seem to need her there. She was a natural at things like this. What did she need her for? As she went to grab her phone to call her getaway car, a short haired blonde with two martinis in hand fell into her line of sight.

 

“Hi.”

 

“Hi,” Shelby responded, tucking her phone back into her purse.

 

Handing Shelby her drink, Audrey just leaned back against the wall next to her, sighing as she closed her eyes and laid her head back against the wall.

 

“Sorry this has been such a bore.”

 

Looking over at the older woman in her seemingly depleted state, Shelby couldn’t keep her eyes from scanning down her bare neck to the exposed skin down her chest. Involuntarily salivating, she quickly took a sip of her drink and looked around to make sure no one was watching them.

 

“Come on,” she said as she gently grabbed Audrey’s wrist and led her down a long hallway. Startled but intrigued, Audrey followed the taller woman without protest. Anything to get them away from these stuffy people and shallow conversations.

 

As they walked in silence for several minutes, Audrey eventually felt a surge of boldness, moving her hand down to interlace their fingers. Shelby looked down at their hands, surprised at the move, but not making any attempt to pull away. Audrey felt her pulse quickening, completely unsure of where they were going and thrilled at the concept of releasing control for a change. Shelby could feel her grip tightening ever so slightly, causing the smallest of smirks to appear at the corner of her mouth. Audrey was game for whatever was about to happen, and Shelby felt a surge of confidence wash over her as they finally reached their destination. Pushing a large door open, Shelby motioned for Audrey to enter first as she followed and closed the door behind her. It was a vast room, clothed in darkness with scattered rays of moonlight filtering in through the large windows. Still without a word, Shelby made her way over to what looked like a grand fireplace in the middle of the room. Setting her drink on the mantle, she used the flashlight on her phone to look for a lighter. “Ah,” she said under her breath when she caught sight of a long butane lighter at the end of the mantle. She then found the key to ignite the gas and proceeded to successfully light the fire.

 

“Impressive,” Audrey said as she sat down in one of the giant chairs in front of the fireplace, crossing her legs and leaning forward with her elbows on her knees, drink still in hand.

 

“Honestly? Dumb luck,” Shelby said with a chuckle. Grabbing her drink from the mantle, she leaned against the brick to the side of the fireplace, facing Audrey at an angle. “I took a little detour from the bathroom and found this room. Looks like an old library...must be hundreds of books at least.”

 

Looking around at the now illuminated room, Audrey hummed in agreement. Her eyes then found her way back to the woman across from her. Her features were accented beautifully by the fire light. Golden blonde hair glowing as she tossed it over her shoulder.

 

Swallowing hard, Audrey finally said, “Good find.” Shelby glanced at her briefly with a nod and returned to watching the fire.

 

Audrey could sense the contemplation in the features of Shelby’s face. She wished she could read what was going on in her mind; discover what was causing her pensive gaze. After a few moments of their own individual moments of silent reflection, Audrey glanced over at the tall doors just next to the fireplace.

 

“Would you like a joint?”, she said bluntly as she got up to open the doors to the balcony.

 

Eyebrows lifting slightly, Shelby tossed back the rest of her drink and followed her out into the brisk night air.

 

“You just carry those around wherever you go?”

 

Tossing her an impish grin, Audrey replied, “When I know I’ll be forced to laugh at stupid fucking jokes all night for the sake of maintaining some semblance of social relevance? You bet your ass I do. Now come over here and light this will you?”

 

Biting back the widest grin, Shelby brought the lighter over and watched Audrey take her first puff. She found it impossibly sexy, biting her lip as she watched her eyes roll back as she held it in for several seconds before exhaling slowly.

 

Opening her eyes to a mesmerized Shelby, Audrey smiled mischievously. “Well? Come on then. Take a drag. You’re not scared, are you?”

 

Rolling her eyes, Shelby walked over to the edge of the balcony where Audrey stood with one hand draped over the side and the other extended to Shelby with the small joint between her fingers.

 

Carefully pinching the end, Shelby took it from her and inhaled like a pro; holding it in, allowing the smoke to fill her lungs and calm her senses.

 

“Well, look at you. Done this before, have you?”, Audrey said, eyebrows raised.

 

Flashing a brilliant smile that added to the numbing sensation flooding Audrey’s head, Shelby responded slyly, “Maybe.” Finishing her exhale, she took another small puff and handed it back to Audrey.

 

“Wonders never cease with you.”

 

Nodding her head, smiling coyly, Shelby leaned forward over the balcony, gazing out at the crescent moon in its sea of shining stars.

 

For the first time all night, it was truly quiet. All that could be heard was the faint sound of cicadas singing out in the trees and the faint crackling of the fire just inside.

 

“So, what’s the story...with Gillian.”

 

Audrey was in the middle of an inhale and felt her throat burn as she choked on the smoke.

 

Eventually coming down from her cough, she asked, “What do you mean, _the story_?” Shelby just glanced at her briefly before looking back into the night sky.

 

“There’s no real story to tell...we’ve been friends since I first moved to London. She was the only person that didn’t treat me like garbage in the drama community here so...she took me under her wing. We were both looking for a place to live and, money was tight so, we lived together briefly.”

 

Shelby raised an eyebrow and looked over at her. Audrey knew what she was fishing for, and couldn’t help but love the hint of jealousy she was sensing.

 

“We had a thing for a very short time. It was nothing serious just...a brief...physical relationship. We quickly found it wasn’t what we were meant to be so...we ended it. She met her husband shortly after and the rest is history. She’s truly one of the best friends I’ve ever known. But that’s it. Just...friends.”

 

She sensed Shelby’s tense posture relax, noticing her shoulders that had been up to her ears finally fall as she let her head fall forward.

 

“Do you...feel like you have to explain that to me? The current nature of your relationship, I mean?”

 

Audrey’s mouth fell open, the mixture of liquor and the last puff of smoke causing a momentary delay in her cognition.

 

“Don’t I?”

 

Turning to lock her sapphire blue eyes with chestnut brown, she stared into her, making Audrey feel deeply vulnerable and slightly unnerved. Shelby then abruptly turned to walk back inside. “It’s getting cold.”

 

Tossing the remaining bud over the balcony, Audrey attempted to analyze what was happening before she walked back in. She did feel the need to explain the platonic nature of her and Gillian’s relationship and she truly couldn’t put her finger on why. Her and Shelby weren’t in a relationship. Not even close. But something was tethering them together. It wasn’t just Roanoke anymore. It was an electric pulse. An energy that had her heart racing, senses on fire.

 

Finally turning to re-enter the room, she closed the doors behind her, folding her arms around herself as if her shield of armor had just been stripped from her.

 

Shelby was standing by the fire again, presumably to warm up, as the goose flesh was visible on her arms and back. Tentatively approaching her, Audrey recognized a raised pink line that ran from her trapezius muscle down her shoulder blade that she hadn’t noticed before. _A scar._ Moving closer, Audrey felt like she was floating, moving into uncharted territory. It was exhilarating and terrifying all at once. As she walked up behind the taller woman, she brushed her long hair all to her right shoulder to fully expose her left. As Shelby flinched only slightly with surprise, Audrey proceed to run her index and middle finger gently down the scar. She could hear Shelby’s breath hitch, and bit her lip as the memories of what happened came flooding back.

 

“It’s healed quite nicely,” Audrey said in a voice barely above a whisper.

 

Shelby’s pulse raced. She could feel the hair on the back of her next stand up as Audrey’s fingers lingered. She turned her head slightly, but not enough to make eye contact.

 

“Yeah...good thing someone was worth a damn bandaging it.”

 

They both huffed out small, pained laughs at the memory. Shelby was sure it was the worst day of her life. The images that came with that day would never be erased from her mind. She closed her eyes to desperately try and stop the tears threatening her eyelids. Audrey noticed and gently moved her hand to her left bicep, nudging her to turn around and face her. Shelby smiled. “I think this was a personal record for how long it took me to cry in a twenty-four hour period.”

 

Audrey couldn’t help but chuckle, as Shelby let out an even bigger laugh. They stood there for a minute, laughing deliriously, hands on each other’s arms. As the laughter faded, Audrey looked up at the clock. “Shit. Gillian’s going to kill me if we miss dinner. We should get back.”

 

Shelby tried to hide the disappointment on her face, biting her bottom lip and nodding. “Yeah. We should. Let me turn the gas off and we can go.” Audrey nodded, hating herself for being such a coward.

 

As the fire slowly started to fizzle out, so did her hopes of acting on her desires tonight. Approaching the door, she sensed Shelby walking up behind her. As she went to open the door, Shelby’s hand came up beside her to shut it again. Turning around in confusion, Shelby had moved to pin her against the door with her body, firm but not forceful. Locking eyes, Audrey’s chest began to heave. “Shelby…” The taller blonde’s eyes were filled with a mixture of lust and longing. Audrey could feel the younger woman’s breath on her neck as she leaned in to whisper, “Tell me to stop, and I’ll stop.”

 

Audrey could feel her hands shaking, as she felt her own fingertips run up Shelby’s arms to grasp her shoulders. She felt frantic. Internally she had no control. Externally, her body was making all the decisions she’d deeply wanted to act on for so long.

 

“Don’t stop.”

 

Letting out a whimpered exhale, Shelby ran her hands up to Audrey’s neck, making eye contact one final time as if to confirm her consent. She found it. Pulling her in to meet her halfway, Shelby tilted her head slightly to plant a soft but powerful kiss on Audrey’s expectant lips. Simultaneously letting out shuddering exhales, they sank into the kiss like they’d been starving for days and had just found the sweetest most abundant batch of honey in each other’s lips. Over and over, they exchanged searing kisses, each more urgent than the last. Audrey’s hands traveled to Shelby’s back as she lightly, then firmly ran her fingernails over the taller woman’s back. Breaking the kiss, Shelby leaned her head back in ecstasy as the slight pain ignited her arousal even further. Audrey was captivated by the elongation of her exposed neck, and ran her hand up it to eventually tangle in the hair at the base of her neck, pulling her back down to reconnect their lips. Shelby was the first to silently request access with her tongue, as Audrey happily greeted it with hers. The pace transitioned to slow and passionate, as they made piercing eye contact between kisses. The shift was more emotional than either of them anticipated, considering this was supposed to be a frenzied, physical act of passion. Uncomfortable with the emergence of something more than lust, Audrey moved to increase the urgency and fervor of her kiss, pulling Shelby’s bottom lip into her mouth and biting down hard. Gasping at the pain, Shelby noticed the feral energy the older woman was giving off and found it incredibly tantalizing. Both of their lipsticks had smeared completely at this point, but neither of them were compelled to care about how they might look right now. Heavy breathing and the wet popping of blazing kisses echoed throughout the cavernous room. Any caution either of them thought about taking before was thrown to the wind. As Audrey ran her hands further down Shelby’s back to squeeze her ass, she gasped, giving a low, hungry growl as she moved to place wet kisses down Audrey’s neck. She lightly ran her teeth along her scalene muscles, followed by increasingly deliberate, suctioning kisses all the way down. Audrey was in a state of euphoria as she ran her fingers through Shelby’s long locks. She noticed her making her way further south, and felt a momentary twinge of panic, immediately drowned out by sheer arousal. As Shelby purposefully planted kiss by kiss across her clavicle and slowly down her sternum, she felt hot heat pooling between her legs, begging for attention. Shelby’s hands were secured at Audrey’s waist, effectively pinning her to the door as she eventually dropped to her knees.

 

“Shelby... _please_.”

 

Audrey’s desperate plea shocked her more than anything, but she was in no position to examine her control issues at the moment. Throwing her head back in frustration, a loud _thud_ reverberated off the door. Without a care, she threaded her hands through Shelby’s hair once more as she continued to ravish her with hot kisses down her stomach. Looking up, Shelby sought eye contact to receive consent for what she was about to do next. Immediately recognizing the gesture, Audrey whimpered out impatiently, “Yes.”

 

Hands shaking slightly, Shelby maintained eye contact as she ran her fingers up Audrey’s legs, eventually bunching up her dress to her hips. Slowly kissing her inner thighs, Shelby couldn’t help but treat Audrey with reverence, even in this otherwise chaotic moment. Although the gentle touch caused her nipples to almost painfully harden, Audrey bucked her hips off the door, signaling to Shelby that she couldn’t be teased much longer. Smiling at the sight of the posh woman in front of her coming undone, she decided to show her some mercy. Running her fingertips over the edge of her lace underwear, she pressed a firm, open-mouthed kiss over her mound. Audrey, moaning loud enough to wake the neighbors, looked down at Shelby with her mouth open in shock and ecstasy. Shelby let out her own gasp at the glorious reaction she’d just induced, and went to hook her fingers at the waistband of Audrey’s underwear when she heard a door handle jiggle at the other end of the room.

  
  
  



	9. nothing's gonna hurt you baby

“Audrey, are you...oh.”

 

Grasping onto Audrey’s hips to pull herself up as quickly as possible, Shelby found herself flush against Audrey again, only this time sharing a look clothed in panic rather than desire. As the older woman frantically tried to pull her dress down before the intruder could get a good look, Shelby peeled herself away to put as much distance between them as possible. _Of course there was another fucking door in this gigantic room_ , Shelby thought to herself, mind still inundated by the infusion of alcohol and marijuana in her system. Clearing her throat, Audrey finally conjured up the words she needed.

 

“George, hi darling. We were just—Shelby was helping me with a loose hem. Silly female things, you know. We were just on our way back to the party.”

 

George was a bright man, but was critically lacking in his skills of observation.

 

“Oh, well brilliant! Gillian sent me to fetch you and Jackie said she saw you two sneak away down the hall so…”

 

Audrey could feel the onset of a migraine; the thought of rumors swirling about her  _sneaking away_ with Shelby only to be found in a dark room seconds away from a mind-blowing orgasm.  _Marvelous._

 

“Right...well, George, if that’s all, we’ll be right behind you.” _Now get the fuck out,_ she mumbled under her breath.

 

When the man finally took the hint and left, both women let out audible sighs of relief. Audrey nodded her head back against the door, bringing one hand up to massage her temples with her thumb and index finger. Her head was swimming, still numb from the influx of mind-altering substances in the last hour or so. The room was eerily quiet, both women avoiding their inevitable communication. Shelby stood several feet away, hugging herself in a tight embrace as she stared out the window, hanging in the limbo between addressing the elephant in the room and returning to the party as requested. She could still smell the scent of the other woman’s arousal on her lips and nose, causing a visceral desire to linger in her bones.

 

She still wanted her. Wanted to venture into forbidden territory for just a taste of what she was just seconds away from consuming, yet the interruption shook her to her core. She knew the last few minutes were filled with lust and pining, but her hunger wasn’t satisfied. Not in the least. She wanted to bridge the gap between them. Run her fingers through short blonde hair and continue where they’d left off. Leaving behind all judgement and expectations waiting for them on the other side of that door. But fear began to creep into her spirit. Fear of many things, but first and foremost: rejection. What if Audrey regretted what transpired? What if she wanted to forget it all and move on like nothing had changed? Like their souls hadn’t just intertwined in ways she’d never experienced with anyone else? Yes, their inhibitions were lowered. Their cognition may have been altered but neither of them could deny the way Audrey’s pulse throbbed in her neck as Shelby’s tongue grazed it, or the sounds she emitted while lips trailed her chest and stomach.

 

Audrey could feel the tension and couldn’t stand it any longer. Every nerve ending in her body continued to pulse, even after physical contact had been severed for quite some time. She could still feel the hot heat that accumulated between her legs and tried her best to ignore the frustration of being so close to release. So close to...something that scared and invigorated her all at once. Seeking to cut the tension and avoid the inevitable conversation ahead, she finally broke the silence.

 

“We should get back.”

 

Hesitating, Shelby finally attempted eye contact, seeking to read Audrey’s face for any semblance of regret or something akin.

 

Her body language was hard to read in the shadows, so Shelby eventually responded. “Okay.”

 

Silently, both women gathered their things and headed back into the hallway. Shelby kept her eyes downcast, suddenly feeling exposed in the light outside the sanctity of the room they’d just blurred so many lines within. They were no longer safe in seclusion. She could feel the glances falling on the both of them as they entered the ballroom to find their name cards on their designated dinner tables, both women running their hands through their hair and continuing to smooth down their dresses to cover any evidence of their little escapade. Shelby could tell Audrey was anxious, her usual relaxed posture was now stiff and rigid. She wanted to reach out and comfort her, tell her they could forget everything that happened and just go back to the way things were. But the moment her fingertips would graze her skin, she knew she wouldn’t be able to control her desire to pull her closer and continue to ravish her. She felt like a hormonal teenager, unable to control her impulses that refused to dissipate. _I need to sober up._

 

Finally finding their seats, Audrey sat down in her designated chair. Shelby continued to stand, glancing around the room to locate a server. “I’m going to find us some water.”

 

“Alright,” Audrey said, looking in every direction but Shelby’s.

 

Giving a small, pained smile, Shelby headed to the bar area, feeling like she’d cycled through more emotions than one person should be allowed in one evening.

 

“Well hello, Miss Tindall.”

 

Audrey snapped her head up, removing her hands from either side of her face as she continued to try and calibrate her mind through the haze that continued to linger. As she opened her eyes, she saw Gillian come to sit in Shelby’s seat next to her. Meanwhile, her headache intensified.

 

“Where were you? I needed to... _wait_.”

 

“What?”

 

“Is that?”

 

Audrey’s eyes widened as a blush spread across her face and neck. She followed Gillian’s gaze down to her own chest where traces of lipstick were still visibly smeared. Audrey immediately grabbed a rolled up dinner napkin and frantically shook out the dining utensils all over the table, causing everyone in her proximity to turn and look at her. Covering herself, she got up in a huff to find the nearest bathroom, leaving Gillian at the table, grinning like a child.

 

“Think she had an allergic reaction…” Gillian said to the members of the table that were still staring, hoping they’d accept that explanation and mind their own fucking business. Figuring she should go check on Audrey, she went to get up just as Shelby was returning.

 

“Oh, Shelby! Here take your seat. I was just leaving…”

 

Shelby just nodded her head politely, distracted by the fact that Audrey was noticeably absent. As Gillian turned to leave, she couldn’t help but take advantage of having Shelby by herself. The woman intrigued her, and based on the things she knew about her, she had to seize this opportunity to investigate some things. Sitting back down in Audrey’s chair, she examined Shelby; studied her mannerisms, her slightly disheveled appearance, and the way she hadn’t stopped glancing around the room, searching.

 

“Don’t worry, Audrey’s just gone to freshen up. She’ll be back at any moment I’m sure.”

 

Whipping her head around, Shelby hadn’t even realized the sophisticated woman was still there. “Oh I...I wasn’t…”

 

“It’s fine. I get it,” Gillian waved a hand dismissively. “So, how are things with Audrey?”

 

Shelby went rigid, clearly flustered by the vague yet loaded question. “What? I mean, it’s good...she’s been a generous host and…”

 

“Oh sweetheart, you and I both know that’s not what I meant.”

 

The younger woman’s eyes widened with shock at such a bold, almost accusatory statement.  _What the fuck?_ She continued to visually analyze Gillian, attempting to read her candor and figure out exactly what her game was.

 

“No, actually, I don’t,” she finally responded, words laced in sass. She wasn’t going to let Gillian get under her skin, a goal she was clearly trying to achieve.

 

Picking up on Shelby’s defensiveness, Gillian gave her a sympathetic look, knowing that if this was the game they were going to play, the younger blonde had no chance. “Listen, I’m not trying to pry or...piss you off. It’s just, Audrey is my dearest friend and I know your...history.” Shelby rolled her eyes and clenched her fists under the table, blood beginning to boil.

 

“No, I don’t mean your personal history. Christ, I don’t blame you for anything you did to be quite honest.” Shelby didn’t know how to respond to that. She wasn’t proud of her past actions, but it seemed as though the older woman was trying to...level with her? She was genuinely perplexed by this entire exchange.

 

Before Gillian could continue, she spotted Audrey returning from the bathroom over Shelby’s shoulder. “Look. All I’m saying is, you and Audrey have been through terrible, horrific things. And I will never know what that’s like. But I do know that she is still hanging by a thread. As much as she likes to put on a brave face, she’s still so very...fragile.” Shelby remained quiet, shocked at how unaware of just how well Audrey had continued to hide her pain.

 

Gillian continued, “So just...I know she’s supposed to be taking care of you, but take care of her, too. Okay?”

 

Before Shelby could articulate a response, Gillian was getting up from her seat to greet Audrey as she returned to the table. “Audrey, darling! Finally! Dinner will be served in just a few minutes. You two enjoy! Goodbye, Shelby. Pleasure meeting you.” Quickly giving Audrey a peck on the cheek, Gillian turned and disappeared into the crowd.

 

Audrey could feel the tension between the two women at the table when she arrived. _What the hell did they talk about?_ Looking over to catch Shelby’s eyes, she tried to examine her countenance for some hint of the topic of discussion. Shelby could feel her gaze, and finally turned to meet her dark chocolate eyes for the first time since their rendezvous in the library.

 

“What?”

 

“Ehm, nothing.” It took everything within her not to ask exactly what they’d discussed. From what she could see as she approached the table, Gillian was speaking with a more serious expression than she normally would have with a casual conversation. Audrey was painfully curious, but didn’t want to push the tension that was still very much present between her and the taller blonde. So, for the meantime, she let it go.

 

“Thank you for the water,” Audrey said as she reached for the tall glass Shelby had placed in front of her on the table. The condensation on the glass was so refreshing, she was tempted to run it over her neck just to cool her body temperature that was still blazing hot. Tension throbbed at the base of her skull, so she used the dampness still left on her hand to smooth over it, the cool touch relieving some tension as she closed her eyes and rolled her head side to side. Shelby had been watching her methodical actions, and couldn’t help but liken it to the first night she’d finally seen Audrey let her guard down a bit, as she swayed to the music sitting next to her on the couch.

 

That seemed like such a distant memory now. So much had transpired between them in such a short amount of time, she wasn’t sure how much of it was real and how much was just a manifestation of her deeply suppressed desire for companionship. She’d never have admitted that’s what she’d been craving, or that the demons of depression and isolation had been festering inside of her since the moment she first stepped foot in the Roanoke house. In addition to the sheer trauma the entire experience induced, so much more had been taken from her in the past few years. Most painfully: her unborn child and the man her husband was before the Blood Moon took his soul. So from then on, she decided she would construct these walls around her heart to prevent that kind of pain again. No one in her life ever seemed to truly understand what she’d been through, no matter how hard she could tell they were trying. Her mother was never a particularly empathetic person, but she did her best to support Shelby by sending checks every month to help out. They weren’t much, but she appreciated the gesture all the same. Since her father passed away five years ago, she hadn’t really visited home as much as she probably should have. With her sister off at college, and the absence of her stern but loving father, she couldn’t bring herself to be emotionally drained by her mother’s tendency to complain about anything and everything.

 

Shelby couldn’t help but feel bitter hearing her groan about trivial things like coupons getting lost in the mail or Cindy ignoring her at the grocery store. As if those things were anything close to the nightmare Shelby’s life had become. Yet, she felt guilty for avoiding her mother, and just added that to the list of things that made her a royal fuck up.

 

“Shelby?”

 

Snapping out of her self-deprecating daydream, Shelby realized she’d missed the arrival of their dinner. “Sorry,” she muttered to Audrey as she unfolded her dinner napkin and began mindlessly cutting into her chicken.

 

“No need to get so excited,” Audrey murmured sarcastically.

 

It was then that Shelby cracked her first genuine smile of the night. Somehow, even when it was meant to be a dig, Audrey’s humor always seemed to be incredibly well-timed when it came to curbing her mood.

 

Audrey smiled back. Earlier in the bathroom, she’d taken inventory of the night, going over every scenario in which this could possibly end well. She couldn’t come up with one. The odds were stacked against them from the beginning. After several minutes of thinking through the past few months, she began to laugh hysterically, saying out loud to herself, “Shelby fucking Miller.” The woman she loathed just over three months ago was now the object of her affection and the thought drove her into more fits of uncontrolled laughter, until someone finally exited a stall and approached the sink next to her. Wiping her tears and continuing to chuckle, she went to leave the bathroom and threw an “oh fuck off” over her shoulder at the woman that was giving her judgmental looks in the mirror. She was done caring what people thought of her, at least for tonight.

 

Now, sitting next to the woman who’d just made every single one of her nerve endings scream less than an hour ago, she continued to silently marvel at what she’d gotten herself into. It was nothing she asked for, that’s for damn sure. Why the fuck would she engage with her like this in their situation? It called for nothing but a sticky mess of legal implications and worse than that, strong, undeniable feelings. Feelings that threatened to snap the thread she was barely hanging on by. Feelings that would lead to nothing but excruciating heartbreak. Which was something she continued to remind herself she could not survive, and more importantly, something she couldn’t bare to put Shelby through again. She deserved more, far more than she could ever offer.

 

As they finished their meal, engaging in forced small talk with the other members of their table every now and then, they continued to examine each other with stolen glances, trying their best to decipher what the other could possibly be thinking.

 

The tension never dissipated.

 

As the party began to wind down, Gillian stood at the door bidding everyone goodnight.

 

“Thank you so much for coming.”

 

“Of course,” Audrey responded as Shelby was retrieving their coats.

 

Leaning in to kiss her cheek, Gillian whispered, “Glad you had a good time. A _really,_ really good time.” Unamused, Audrey pinched her arm.

 

“Fuck! Don’t take your frustrations out on _me_ for Christ’s sake. You know George is an absolute spoon. So if you’re worried about word getting out, I’ll just tell everyone he was completely wankered and can’t be trusted.”

 

Still scowling, Audrey mouthed “ _thank you_ ” and went to meet Shelby at the front door to leave.

 

The car ride was twenty-seven minutes of uncomfortable silence; the air between them filled with an infusion of longing, uncertainty, anxiety, and a host of other things neither of them were ready to address. Both on the better side of sober by now, they couldn’t stop the inundation of second-thoughts coupled with the current ambiguity of their relationship and where the hell they were supposed to go from here. So many loose ends continued to dangle between their hearts and minds, desperate for some kind of resolution.

 

When they were finally home, Audrey silently unlocked the door and shut off the alarm, clinging to the monotony of her mundane routine for as long as she could before she had to acknowledge the inevitable. Shelby stepped out of her heels, with an audible sigh of relief, and placed them neatly at the end of the staircase. Eventually, they stood in the hallway between the stairs and the kitchen, both unsure of what to do next. Shelby could feel sweat begin to accumulate at her temple, as she swiftly used the back of her hand to wipe away any visible signs of nervousness. Audrey, wringing her hands together, decided they’d be here all night if she didn’t end the stalemate.

 

“Tea?”

 

“Sure.”

 

As Audrey prepared the water, mugs, and tea bags, Shelby sat down in the bar stool on the other end of the kitchen island. It wasn’t until that moment that she truly noticed the collection of tiny stars tattooed at the back of the older woman’s neck. She wanted to ask what the significance was, how old she was when she got it, and if anyone was there to hold her hand through the pain. She wanted so much more of Audrey. Not just the physical connection they’d sparked tonight, but everything else that made her into the woman she’d become. So much about the British woman in front of her intrigued her.

 

Yet, if she ever had to reciprocate, sharing the deep recesses of herself no one ever got the chance to explore, she genuinely wouldn’t know how. She housed so many inner demons; and not only did they continue to breed and infest her tortured soul, she felt like the evil was still dormant in her bones. She identified herself as less than human for what she’d done, and truly doubted whether she’d ever come to actually forgive herself. She deserved less than nothing in this world. As far as she was concerned, she was on borrowed time until the universe finally delivered the punishment she was promised for her transgressions. Or maybe this was worse: living in constant, debilitating paranoia for the inevitable karma to snuff her out for good.

 

“Peppermint okay?” Audrey asked as she removed the whistling tea kettle from the heat. “Yes. Thank you,” Shelby replied as Audrey handed her the hot mug, noticeably keeping her distance.

 

Shelby interpreted the body language and decided to cut to the chase, having decided it’d be best to save Audrey the trouble of this painfully confusing dance any longer.

 

“Listen...about earlier. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have...done that. I wasn’t thinking clearly and...I’m sorry.”

 

Audrey took a long sip of her tea, putting on her best poker face at the apology. She wanted to say she had every opportunity to end it; Shelby  _gave her_ several chances to refuse her advances. Not only did she reciprocate, she asked for more. She wanted so much more and she couldn’t deny that. Before she could formulate her response, she noticed a stream of tears begin to fall from Shelby’s crystal-blue eyes. _Shit_. Finally bridging the cavernous gap between them, Audrey moved around the island to stand in front of her, grasping both of the taller woman’s shoulders and swiveling her until they were face-to-face.

 

“I’m sorry, I never meant to—”

 

“Shh, stop. Stop apologizing,” Audrey said as she brought her hands up to the younger woman’s tear-stained cheeks, catching the new tears as they fell onto her thumbs, gently brushing them way. Shelby’s eyes were brimming with despair and it was dismantling Audrey’s heart by the second.

 

“Shelby,” she whispered, “darling, you have nothing to be sorry for. Could you not tell I was into it?” Audrey banked on that quip coaxing at least a chuckle from her, as it usually did, but the younger blonde only continued to weep.

 

“Please...don’t Audrey,” Shelby whispered as she stood up abruptly and walked into the living room. Following her, Audrey desperately tried to figure out what she was doing wrong, as things took such a turn so quickly for the fiery woman in front of her. Aggravation began to rear its ugly head.

 

“What do you mean? What do you want me to say? Do you want me to agree and say it was a mistake and meant nothing? Because I am so sick of pretending, Shelby! Pretending is my whole life and it’s fucking exhausting!” Stubborn tears began to sting the corners of her now wild eyes.

 

Shelby stood silent, aggressively wiping the tears from her face.

 

“Isn’t that what you’ve been doing this whole time? Pretending to—like me, to care about me? You fucking hated my guts! What, so, did that just go away? Or is this just your sick way of torturing me some more, huh? Twisting the knife?” As soon as the words left her mouth she felt sick to her stomach. She didn’t mean any of it, she was just searching for the most hurtful thing she could say to push Audrey further away, aiming to avoid the crushing rejection she’d convinced herself was coming; and to spare Audrey from anymore pain she could cause.

 

Audrey was speechless. Fresh tears began to sting her eyelids as she turned away. Incredibly angry and hurt, she couldn’t articulate a response.

 

Squinting her eyes shut, physically pained at how her malicious words just affected this woman she’d grown to care so deeply for, Shelby slowly stepped towards her. Audrey could feel her approaching and waved her off with her hand, still unable to conjure a rebuttal.

 

Shelby hated herself for many things, but this was competing for the top spot as the seconds continued to pass without a word between them. Finally, she moved to place a hand on Audrey’s shoulder.

 

“Audrey...Audrey I’m sorry—I didn’t mean any of that. I know that’s not true...”

 

The older blonde just moved out from under her grasp, hugging herself as she increased the distance between them. Shelby could feel her heart breaking. Conceding to the loss, she sat on the couch, cradling her head in her hands.

 

They stayed in debilitating silence for quite some time, until Audrey finally turned to face her. The words still stung, but she’d spent those few minutes of solitude putting herself in Shelby’s shoes, something she’d never once attempted to do in past relationships. Not even when she and Rory would have screaming matches and she knew she was wrong. She was always too stubborn to stop and see things from a different perspective.

 

Until now.

 

Taking a deep breath, she paused for a beat to solidify her thoughts. “You have been through...so much, Shelby. I cannot even begin to understand how that continues to affect you every single day. I don’t know how you do it...but I admire your strength. I really do.”

 

Refusing to let Audrey treat her with this unwarranted compassion, Shelby just shook her head.

 

“You’ve been through just as much, Audrey. It’s no excuse for me to...be this way. To treat you like this. I don’t deserve your forgiveness or anything else for that matter.”

 

Standing up, she continued, “I have no fucking clue where I belong, but I know it’s not here—not ruining any chance you might have at a normal life. No, I won’t do that to you. I’m going to pack my things and I’ll be gone by morning.”

 

As she turned to walk away, hoping she could hide the fresh tears threatening to fall again, she felt Audrey grab her arm, and gently but firmly force her to turn back around.

 

“No. That’s not what you want.”

 

Shelby’s mouth fell open as her mind caught up with Audrey’s words.

 

“It’s not about what I want.”

 

“Okay. What about what I want?” Stepping closer, Audrey made sure to keep deliberate eye contact.

 

Shelby felt her throat tighten immediately, as her heart thrummed loudly in her chest, certain Audrey could hear it with just inches of space between them now.

 

Swallowing hard, she conjured up the words to finally ask, “...and what’s that?”

 

Boldly stepping forward until there was no longer any space between them, Audrey wrapped her arms around the taller woman’s neck, leaning up to take her bottom lip into her mouth with an electrifying kiss. Shelby could feel the adrenaline instantly surging through her veins, every primal instinct rising to the surface as she bent down to pick Audrey up and wrap her legs around her waist. Gasping at the surprising lift, Audrey pulled back to make wild eye contact with the taller blonde briefly before locking their lips again, knocking their teeth together as the kiss continued to escalate.

 

“Upstairs,” Audrey managed to say into Shelby’s mouth between kisses.

 

Without hesitation, Shelby turned to climb the stairs, skillfully keeping Audrey’s lips occupied without missing a step. Approaching Audrey’s bedroom door, she broke the kiss momentarily to reach around and open the door, intentionally grasping her ass while she kept her balance. Audrey had nothing but fire in her eyes as she indulged in the feeling of Shelby’s strong arms wrapped around her, never once scared that she would let her fall. Finally entering the cool, dark room, Shelby kicked the door closed behind them, temporarily sealing them away from the troubles of the outside world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls dont murder me i promise next chapter will come thruuu


	10. blossom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> companion song: blossom by molly hammar

 

Audrey wanted to kiss her forever, shutting out all thoughts about what this was, what it might mean, what further mess they might be creating for themselves. She kissed her until reason seeped out through her pores and she became a living pulse, conscious only of what she wanted to do to Shelby. All hands and lips, the scent and taste and feel of her. It was like tiny fireworks were igniting all over her body, parts of her she thought were previously dead reigniting to life.

 

In all of her most vivid fantasies, she’d gravely underestimated some of Shelby’s greatest attributes; the dexterity of her hands as they trailed goosebumps down her back, the skillfulness of her tongue dancing across her neck, teasing her ear lobe, or the way she managed to gracefully drop her on the bed and remove her heels without breaking any physical contact.

 

Panting restlessly, she maintained a tight grip on the taller woman the entire time, keeping her as close as she desperately needed her to be. The bedroom was always kept at a cool 68 degrees, but she could feel the accumulation of sweat at her collarbone and lower back as heat transferred between them like conduits of unbridled passion. Labored breaths and the popping of each blazing kiss filled the quiet room as their eyes began to adjust to the darkness. Now hovering over Audrey, Shelby held herself up with both hands on either side of her head, eliciting an audible hum of approval from Audrey as she trailed her hands down the ripples of Shelby’s now flexed triceps and back muscles. Smiling down at the already unhinged woman beneath her, Shelby had to continue to fight off the debilitating thoughts that threatened her mind, telling her this wasn’t real or that Audrey was going through with this out of pity. Currently incapable of humoring her usual self-sabotage, she immediately captured the invasive thought and decided she was done holding herself back. They were here now, bodies effortlessly connecting, Audrey reciprocating in ways that sent simmering chills down her spine. She wanted to consume her; to please her in ways she’d only dreamt of until now. It still felt like an incredibly vivid dream, but either way she was going to seize the moment with abandon. The morning light could harbor the consequences of their actions.

 

Shelby’s legs found their home between Audrey’s, causing her black lace dress to ride up, almost revealing her silky red thong. _Almost._ Shelby finally broke their endless string of wet, consuming kisses to sit back on her knees and examine the woman in front of her. She couldn’t see her—really see her the way she wanted to and let out a mournful sigh. Planting one more long, searing kiss on the now raw lips of the woman under her, Shelby quickly got up to go draw the curtains to illuminate the room in moonlight. She needed to see her. Chest heaving, Audrey sat up, letting out a pained gasp at the sudden loss of contact. Able to draw both curtains open in one swift motion with her long arms, Shelby paused briefly to take in the energy of the full moon; a moon filled with cleansing, vibrant energy that invigorated her senses, already buzzing with sexual energy. Whatever nerves she had before were now dissolved, replaced with an even more intense desire for the woman she’d finally turned around to lock eyes with again. She was sure she’d never been more captivated than she was in that moment, as the pale moonlight highlighted the beautiful woman’s features in ways that made her look like an actual goddess, ruling over her soul. Deep brown eyes stared back at her, calm but restless all at once, as her chest continued to undulate with anticipation.

 

Maintaining eye contact, she approached the bed, salivating like a sleek panther honing in on its ever elusive prey. Audrey’s breath hitched in her throat, as every synapse in her brain fired at the tortuous amount of space that remained between them. When Shelby finally stood at the side of the bed, Audrey sat up and swung her legs to straddle the younger blonde where she stood, hooking her legs around her hips, sealing their bodies together. Shelby’s pulse raced uncontrollably, dizzy from the tantalizing contact, as Audrey slowly ran her hands up her abdomen.

 

“You’re so...beautiful.”

 

Letting out a shaky exhale, Shelby felt her heart constrict at the emotional sentiment. She then ran her hands up to meet Audrey’s, and led her to the zipper at her back. Audrey let out a shuddering breath of her own, still not convinced this was really happening. Locking eyes to affirm the gesture, her trembling hands found the small zipper and began to slowly unzip the crimson dress, allowing her fingertips to lightly graze her back on the way down, landing just at the seam of her thong underwear. Shelby’s hands had come to rest on her shoulders, as Audrey continued to delicately run her hands under the material, now making full contact with her hot skin. Feeling her nipples harden sharply at the prolonged touch, Shelby couldn’t take it anymore. Bringing her hands up to Audrey’s face, she grazed her supple lips with her fingertips briefly and pulled her in for a blazing kiss. Audrey kissed her back hard, slipping her tongue into her mouth as she worked to finally peel the dress from her lean body, letting it pool at her feet. Finally free from the constricting material, Shelby wasted no time in shifting to straddle her on the bed and continue the kiss. Gliding her hands up to grasp Audrey’s neck, she softly traced her thumbs over her throat where her pulse throbbed wildly.

 

Audrey was breathless, mind desperately trying to catch up to the overwhelming rush of arousal fueled by the heavenly woman now in her lap. Shelby was now clothed in nothing but a tiny black piece of lace fabric and Audrey’s borrowed jewelry, a divine image that was not lost on her, head swimming in the celestial glory of it all. Her mind swirled as she tried to decide where to even begin her exploration of this exquisite body in her hands.

 _God bless yoga_.

Starting at smooth, muscular legs, she ran her hands up to rest in the crease of her hips, and eventually back to her ass where she caressed her fingertips into soft flesh with worship. Shelby broke the kiss momentarily to press their foreheads together, overcome by the new level of arousal coursing through her body. Her long hair was draped over her breasts like a modern day Lady Godiva, and Audrey swore she couldn’t be real. She was ethereal. Needing more, Audrey boldly dipped her head down to place hot kisses down Shelby’s bare chest, bringing her hands up to gently brush the long blonde hair out of the way to fall down her back, eliciting a breathy moan from the woman on top of her. Shelby let her head fall back and indulge in the euphoria of lips feathering over her pert breasts, as she ran her fingers through short hair, tugging just a little to eventually angle her head up for piercing eye contact. Lips collided again.

 

More, she needed more.

 

Nudging Audrey down to lay back on the bed, they both did their best to shuffle further up the bed to the pillows without breaking the kiss, as if they were responsible for each other’s oxygen, destined for death if they severed for too long. Audrey held handfuls of tousled blonde hair, keeping it out of Shelby’s face as she continued to devour her mouth and neck. Then Shelby slowed her pace. Dragging her lips down Audrey’s neck, she stopped at her chest, planting one purposeful kiss at her sternum before sitting up and trailing both hands to rest over her heart. It pounded furiously at her palms, warm and overwhelming like the surface of a volcano as its lava stirs on the inside, ready to erupt at any moment, consuming everything in its path.

 

Audrey face flushed, realizing she was excruciatingly vulnerable; a raw, exposed nerve at Shelby’s mercy. In any other situation, she’d run. Hide herself away, flee from the notion of being fully known or seen too well. This entire experience was new territory; Shelby was slowly peeling back her carefully constructed layers of once impervious walls. Walls meant to deter entry. Walls that had been deteriorating for months against her stubborn will. But Shelby wasn’t some malicious, foreign invader seeking destruction or power. She sought discovery and understanding, longed to really see her; something Audrey wasn’t accustomed to, especially in a lover.

 

“Audrey…” Shelby whispered raspily. “Are you...are you sure you want this?”

 

Audrey quickly found her eyes, wrapping her hands around Shelby’s wrists that still rested on her chest. Without a word, she lifted Shelby’s hands, bringing them up to her lips to place purposeful kisses across her palms and up her fingers. Shelby’s eyes fluttered shut, melting at the tender response. Her shoulders relaxed, thankful for the confirmation that this was still very much a wonderfully mutual act.

 

“Unzip me,” Audrey said as she sat up, irises laced with fire and intention.

 

Shelby felt the air leave her lungs, the feeling of Audrey’s torso now flush against her center sending smoldering embers of passion through her veins and into her fingertips, as she found the delicate zipper and tugged it down in one smooth motion. Audrey wasted no time in hiking up the dress from her hips and swiftly pulling it over her head, tossing it carelessly into the darkness. Then she noticed Shelby’s eyes staring down at her chest, quizzically. Looking down, she saw that some of the double-sided tape she’d applied to keep her dress in place was left behind. Audrey blushed, but Shelby smiled, letting out a soft chuckle.

 

“Pretty sexy, huh?” Audrey mused.

 

Biting her lip, Shelby tried to hold back the laugh that bubbled to the surface as she nodded her head. She was sure the enigmatic woman in front of her couldn’t be more attractive, until she flashed that dazzling smile at her own self-deprecating joke. Shelby wrapped one arm around Audrey’s back, flattening her palm on the damp skin. She then delicately began to peel the tape from her chest, eliciting small whimpers from Audrey, who couldn’t figure out how she made such an unsexy situation so...sexy. Once the tiny strips of plastic were removed, Shelby leaned down to seductively trail her lips down the thin red lines they’d left behind. Audrey’s eyes rolled back, screaming internally as she indulged in the sensation of her hot mouth. Her hands found their way to the back of Shelby’s neck, where she raked her fingernails across her scalp and grasped more handfuls of hair. Working her mouth and tongue over supple breasts, Shelby paused to glance up with teasing eye contact before she suctioned her lips over a taut nipple, flattening her wet tongue over its surface as she continued a string of languid, attentive kisses to both.

 

Audrey was losing her mind.

 

Pulling her hands from Shelby’s hair, she trailed her hands down her back to clutch her ass, grinding their hips together. Both women let out pained moans, unaware of just how sensitive their clits had become. Bringing her mouth up to Audrey’s ear, Shelby whispered, “Patience...” Planting a chaste kiss at the tip of her chin, she reached her hands back to grab Audrey’s wrists, swiftly pinning them above her head back onto the bed.

 

Audrey was seeing stars, galaxies of fantasies she never thought would come to fruition combusting in her brain. She was convinced that this was not the Shelby Miller she knew, and equally convinced it was the most turned on she’d ever been in her life. She could feel the heat between her legs throbbing, aching for attention. Shelby held her gaze briefly, carnal determination lacing each kiss she left down Audrey’s neck. She kept her hands pinned above her head, intertwining their fingers as Audrey writhed underneath her, unraveling with each nip of Shelby’s teeth into her flesh. Every single one of her senses was on fire; she didn’t know how she was going to physically survive the overwhelming ecstasy of it all, but decided she’d happily die with this as her last human experience. Shelby finally brought her lips back to Audrey’s ear, hot breath sending more tantalizing waves of arousal down her body.

 

“What do you want?”

 

Audrey felt like she was in an echo chamber, scrambling to decipher her response to such a tantalizing question, sifting through the haze of her overstimulated mind.

 

“You...your…”

 

“My what?”

 

“Your _mouth_. Please, Shelby I—”

 

Before she could finish, Shelby silenced her with a slow, fiery kiss. As their tongues tangled, Shelby slowly released Audrey’s hands from her grip. Audrey let out a breathy exhale, momentarily disappointed, but grateful to finally be able to _touch her_. She immediately moved her hands to cup Shelby’s breasts for the first time, causing her to break the kiss and press their foreheads together again to catch her breath. Every new touch brought a new awakening, things Shelby believed were destined to remain dormant, were now rekindling into a wildfire in her soul. This was physical, but God, it was so much more than that.

 

Gaining her composure, Shelby began to plant fervent kisses down Audrey’s chest and stomach, trailing her tongue along her salty skin. They were both clothed in thin layers of sweat, and she found it sexy as hell. As she made her way to her belly button, she teasingly inserted the tip of her tongue inside and swirled it around slowly. Audrey’s hips canted at the unexpected pleasure, as she glanced down to find mischievous, icy blue eyes. Throwing her head back into the pillows, she couldn’t help the grin that spread across her face. Continuing her exploration, Shelby landed at her mound, covered in red satin, with a visible dark spot exposing the pool of her arousal underneath. Shelby’s mouth watered, as she teasingly ran two fingers firmly over the wet spot, causing Audrey to let out a tortured whimper. Sighing at the celestial sound, Shelby finally stripped the soaked underwear down her long, smooth legs to discover a neatly groomed landing strip of dark hair. Instinctually licking her lips, she looked up to find Audrey’s eyes, making sure she was watching. Wrapping one arm firmly around one leg to settle across her hips, Shelby placed her hand just above Audrey’s pubic bone to hold her in place, as she used her free hand to slowly spread her lips apart. Suddenly, Audrey’s entire torso trembled as she writhed through the almost unbearable sensation of Shelby’s tongue diving deep inside of her then sliding back up, grazing her clit before returning to penetrate her opening again. She was slow and methodical and Audrey genuinely felt like she was on the cusp of a black out, releasing moans she’d never heard before.

 

Shelby was vibrating with arousal from the noises falling from Audrey’s mouth, as she continued alternating open-mouthed kisses and flattening her tongue just below where she knew she needed it most. Audrey’s hands fell to Shelby’s head as she leaned forward to gather all of her hair and drape it to one side, giving her better access. Shelby smiled at the thoughtful gesture, as she brought Audrey’s leg higher over her shoulder, spreading her wider. Audrey’s head fell back in ecstasy, truly unsure of how much longer she could last.

 

“Shelby—I’m so…”

 

At that moment, Shelby slid two fingers inside of her easily, eliciting a guttural moan from Audrey as she arched her back high up off of the mattress. Continuing to pump deeply, with painstaking precision, Shelby moved her mouth to that sweet bundle of nerves she knew would send her over the edge. Knowing she was about to shatter, Audrey glanced down to find Shelby’s eyes once more, as shockwaves of euphoria began to pulse through her body. Shelby flattened her tongue with the perfect amount of pressure as she rode out the earth-shattering waves of her orgasm. The string of curses that fell from Audrey’s mouth had to be some kind of British slang because Shelby was deeply unfamiliar with most of it. Lips still latched onto her clit, she fought back a smile as she was determined to see her through the end of her climax. The feeling of Audrey clenching around her fingers as she came, coupled with blazing eye contact, was so arousing she genuinely felt like she was going to involuntarily join in on her orgasmic nirvana.

 

As Audrey’s breathing finally began to return to normal, Shelby left lazy, wet kisses up and down her thigh, until she felt hands feebly tapping on her head. Looking up to find a woman apparently incapable of putting words together just yet, Shelby took the hint and crawled up the length of her body, trailing soft kisses across her skin as she ascended. Audrey’s eyes were still sealed shut, as she continued to reel from the talents of Shelby’s mouth, and the sudden reawakening of her sex life.

 

“Hey you.”

 

“Hi.”

 

“So...I’m assuming all that stuff you said...was a good thing?”

 

Audrey turned to hide her face in the crook of Shelby’s neck as she came to lay beside her. Shelby smiled, kissing her head apologetically. She truly never thought she’d see the day she would make Audrey Tindall blush...or come for that matter.

 

Shelby moved to untuck the covers of the king-sized bed so they could slink underneath them. As they both pulled the fluffy duvet over their sated bodies, Audrey turned to face Shelby immediately, locking their lips together in a scorching kiss, meant to translate her desire—need, for more of her.

 

Shelby returned the sudden kiss fervently, eager to meet her needs. As their hands roamed each other’s bodies, Audrey slipped her hand down into a pool of wetness gathered in Shelby’s panties.

 

“Shit,” Shelby whimpered.

 

Audrey released her own mesmerized moan. Besides being so fucking _beautiful,_ Shelby was so _wet_. So wet for her. The blissful sight of it all was almost too much; tangled between the sheets at 1am, running her fingers through the slick folds of this bewitching woman. In the back of her mind, she began to negotiate how she could stay in this bed forever. _Fuck acting, fuck it all._

 

Shelby burned with desire from the inside out. The friction caused by her thighs still pressed together while Audrey pumped her fingers up and down her slit had her digging her nails into Audrey’s back. Audrey gasped through a satisfied grin, leaning in to suckle Shelby’s ear lobe.

 

“Come up here.”

 

Audrey slinked down the bed, gesturing for Shelby to grip the headboard and straddle her face. Shelby trembled with anticipation, as she gingerly placed her knees on each side of Audrey’s head. As their gazes met, an electric current buzzed between them, stimulated by the implications of the position. Neither of their former lovers had ever ventured into this territory. Matt stuck to the basics, and Rory wasn’t exactly generous when it came to cunnilingus. Shelby felt a slight twinge of self-consciousness in the compromising position, unsure of the last time she’d properly groomed _down there_. She was a minimalist in most regards, but would’ve been more intentional had she known Audrey’s mouth would ever be exploring beneath her underwear in any lifetime.

 

Focusing on her breathing, Shelby realized that her underwear was actually still on, but that didn’t deter Audrey from pressing hot, slow kisses over her mound, eliciting sharp moans from the woman on top of her. The irony of her position wasn’t lost on her, as memories of how she teased Audrey with the same tactics earlier this evening flashed through her mind. Now she was at her mercy, trying her best not to grind her hips further into Audrey’s relentless lips, teeth and tongue. She was so close already; her clit ached for so long, building up to this glorious summit of excruciating pleasure.

 

“Audrey…”

 

Smiling into her crotch, Audrey finally conceded and ran her hands from her thighs back around to her ass, tugging at the thin string of underwear as Shelby moved to help her pull them off and toss them aside. Audrey was ravenous. Firmly holding Shelby’s hips in place, she skillfully worked her tongue and lips over her, as Shelby threw her head back, finally giving into undulating her hips. Audrey’s head was spinning as she watched her ride her face with abandon, sure she might actually come at the sight. Shelby could see the ecstasy in her eyes, as she struggled to keep them from fluttering shut. She was teetering on the edge of her own climax, and Shelby couldn’t resist the chance for them to reach nirvana together. Reaching back, she began to circle two fingers on her clit, causing Audrey to jolt her hips, moaning into Shelby’s wet curls.

 

Both women’s eyes were sealed shut, preparing for the devastating waves of pleasure that were destined to take them at any moment. Audrey ran her hands up to cup Shelby’s breasts, tweaking her nipples. That was enough to send her tumbling over the edge, as she increased the pressure on Audrey’s clit, simultaneously launching them into shuddering orgasms. Souls intertwined, moans fought for dominance. Free hands laced together unconsciously, desperately seeking more connection as they inevitably began to descend from the apex of their shared euphoria.

 

For several minutes, nothing was uttered from either woman other than labored breaths and the occasional muttered curse. Eventually, Shelby moved to allow Audrey a better shot at obtaining oxygen, flopping down onto the pillow beside her.

 

Strings of Shelby’s hair were stuck to her face and neck, a new layer of sweat still present on her warm skin. Audrey was similarly drenched, both hands on her stomach as she willed her diaphragm to guide her breathing to homeostasis. They unconsciously drifted into limbo, neither of them ready to address the inevitable questions waiting for them, taunting their temporary paradise. The night sky was still clothed in moonlight, continuing to shield them from the scrutiny of daylight. Audrey finally made the first move, pulling the sheets back over the both of them as she shifted to lay on her side, facing Shelby. Wordlessly, she examined her soft features. The pucker of her lips as she attempted to steady her exhales. The furrow of her brow as the cogs were almost visibly turning in her mind. Her sweet, complicated mind. After a few more stolen moments of observation, Audrey reached across blue eyes to brush the strands of damp hair out of her face, tucking it softly behind her ear. Finally turning her head to face her, Shelby’s mouth fell open to say something, but couldn’t find the words.

 

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” Audrey whispered.

 

Shelby couldn’t think of an honest response. She studied Audrey’s eyes, still overcome with a swarm of emotions, sated by the insane synchronicity of their pleasure. Had she ever experienced anything like this in her life? She racked her brain but knew it was futile. This was truly singular, and it left her enthralled and slightly terrified.

 

“Not much. Nothing coherent anyway.”

 

Audrey smiled lazily, humming in response. Shelby needed to take some time to organize her thoughts, analyze where to go from here, but before she knew it she was feathering her fingertips over the porcelain skin of Audrey’s face, basking in the afterglow like this might be her first and last chance to do so. Audrey pressed a lingering kiss to her thumb as it found its way to her mouth, closing her eyes, savoring the taste like a delicacy. Shelby wanted to kiss her, over and over until dawn broke, but unspoken words begged to be acknowledged.

 

Audrey finally severed the tension. “You know, when I was...studying you...for the role. It was hard for me to understand why you did the things you did—why you chose to stay when everything was telling you to leave.”

 

Shelby held her breath, unsure of where this was going. Audrey noticed her body tense up, and reached out for her hand, stroking her palm with her thumb.

 

She continued, “I never told you this, but you...your strength. Your stubborn relentlessness to not let them beat you...to crush your spirit. To keep fighting. It saved me. You saved me.”

 

The moonlight allowed Audrey to catch the glimmer of tears beginning to accumulate in Shelby’s beautiful eyes. She didn’t expect to divulge something so emotional, but she needed her to know that, despite her sarcasm and looks of disdain, she admired her.

 

“The truth is, I was unhappy with what was going on in my own life...my career took an odd turn. My relationship was...struggling.”

 

Shelby didn’t know what to say. She never expected such a vulnerable confession, and as much as she’d forgiven Audrey already, it was comforting to know.

 

“It’s okay.”

 

“No, it isn’t. I treated you like…you didn’t deserve that. There’s so much you deserve, Shelby. I know that you blame yourself for so much. But you...are kind. And brilliant, and compassionate…”

 

Before she could finish her speech, Shelby pulled her in for a passionate kiss, as tears freely spilled down both of their cheeks. It was Audrey that moved to straddle her this time, determined to show her what words simply weren’t enough to convey.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> truly grateful for all your feedback <3 not sure this is ending anytime soon, thanks for sticking around for the journey (:


	11. wrecking ball

Thunder rolled through the streets of London, as rain pattered on the windows outside of Audrey’s bedroom. Lightning flashed across the morning sky, illuminating two sleeping faces as they continued their slumber into the late morning hours. As the calming sounds of the rainstorm filtered into the room, joining the soft breath sounds coming from the bed, the atmosphere was that of a small sanctuary. Quiet but full. Loud but soothing. Beneath the silk sheets, two sated blondes could be found, limbs intertwined, unaware of any lingering responsibilities vying for their attention. Audrey’s head shared a pillow with Shelby’s, face buried in a sea of tousled dirty blonde hair. The scent of coconut and vanilla filled her nose as she slowly began to come out of her deep sleep. Some time during the night they fell into a spooning position, Audrey’s arm draped over Shelby’s waist like a protective covering. Her nose lightly brushed her shoulder, and she couldn’t keep herself from planting a soft kiss on a small freckle she’d found.

 

It still felt like a dream state; like things would inevitably change once they left the safe harbor they’d created in this bed. Musing over the thought, she began to lightly trace her fingers across the constellation of freckles down Shelby’s back, playing her own secret game of connect the dots. She felt fire in her fingertips, as she did anytime they were skin to skin. The smell of her skin was exquisite; essences of the earth, natural and pure, radiating life. Part of Audrey wanted to let her sleep so she could experience peace for just a little while longer.

 

Throughout the night, Shelby would let out small whimpers, clearly having nightmares of some kind. Then she’d scoot back tightly into Audrey and clasp her hand, pulling it tightly to her chest. Audrey hated to see how much her subconscious mind continued to suffer, so she’d press soothing kisses into her temple to help lull her back to sleep. She wished she knew how to help her find freedom, even if the concept was still so foreign to her, too.

 

Shelby eventually began to shift into wakefulness, hearing the continuous rumbles of thunder, and feeling feather-light touches cascading down her back. It took several moments for her to acclimate herself to the foreign environment; the silky sheets enveloping her body eliciting a chill on her skin, the vast room, twice the size she was accustomed to, and the warm body just inches behind her.

 

Slowly blinking the sleep from her eyes, everything came rushing back to her. The argument. The hours of passionate sex. The confessions that fell from Audrey’s lips. It was all so much to process. Her eyes fell shut as the woman behind her continued exploring her back, now using her lips instead of just her fingertips.

 

“Mmm”, Shelby murmured as she leaned back into the slow kisses being planted down her spine. Audrey’s unabashed affections were a bit surprising. Shelby expected more...hesitance in the morning after. She’d actually prepared herself for that.

 

“Good morning”, Shelby murmured with her morning rasp.

 

“Morning”, Audrey whispered between kisses. She swore she’d let her sleep, but her willpower quickly fled as she continued to explore the soft, muscular body in front of her. Shelby was like a drug to Audrey; something she tried once and instantly became addicted to despite her best efforts. She couldn’t get enough.

 

Shelby leaned back as her body writhed, molding herself to Audrey. Her head fell back and fit perfectly into the nook of Audrey’s neck as she gasped for breath at the warmth of their bodies pressed together. Audrey leaned in to kiss and tease Shelby’s ear as she slowly smoothed her hand down her stomach. Shelby’s eyes fluttered shut as Audrey’s fingers made their way down to her clit. It was still so raw from the night before, but responded wonderfully to the tentative touch. Audrey’s fingers then drifted down to collect the warm pool of her arousal and drag it back up to coat her sensitive bud. Shelby’s hand found its way down to join, guiding Audrey to where she wanted it most.

 

“You’re so wet already”, Audrey whispered seductively into Shelby’s ear. Shelby could only respond with soft gasps, continuing to grind her ass back into Audrey’s crotch. Audrey just continued to plant soothing kisses down her neck and shoulder, aiming to keep her relaxed and ready to receive, which was something she learned the younger blonde wasn’t exactly used to. Deep into the late night hours, Shelby tended to take the lead more often than not, pinning Audrey down and aiming to please her as much as she possibly could. She was a generous lover, but Audrey wanted to return the favor.

 

“Relax, darling.”

 

Shelby obeyed, digging her head further into the pillow. Audrey continued to whisper sweet encouragements into her ear, as she climbed closer and closer to her release. She gripped Audrey’s wrist tightly as it slowly dipped down to penetrate her, slipping one then two fingers in easily.

 

“Fuck,” Shelby whimpered.

 

Audrey thrust her hips in response, smirking into her neck. She bit down firmly at the junction between her neck and shoulder, undoubtedly leaving a mark behind. Shelby gasped at the arousing sensation and could feel her climax approaching quickly.

 

“Audrey…”, she panted out, becoming more and more unhinged with each thrust the older woman elicited inside of her. Shelby still couldn’t believe this was the position she’d gotten herself into. Orgasming at the hands of Audrey Tindall several times in a twelve hour period. It had to be a mirage, some wild fever dream she was sure to wake from at any moment.

 

“Come on, darling. That’s it. Let go for me.”

 

That was all it took for Shelby to shatter, shuddering through a mind-numbing orgasm as Audrey brought her fingers up to firmly circle her clit, dragging her teeth softly over the shell of her ear.

 

Shelby writhed back into her for the entirety of her climax, rolling her hips, sending Audrey’s eyes fluttering shut at the arousing sensation of her ass pressing into her through her orgasm. As she finally came down, breathing beginning to normalize, Audrey ran her fingers up Shelby’s stomach and chest, eventually turning her over to face her. Catching Shelby’s eyes, she slowly licked her fingers, eliciting a whimpered gasp from Shelby as she continued to catch her breath.

 

“You are...insatiable,” Shelby said with a lazy grin.

 

Audrey responded with a devilish smile, brushing a stray hair behind Shelby’s ear and pulling her in for a slow kiss. The room began to melt for Shelby, as warm delicious lips continued to dance with hers. They’d picked up right where they left off from the night before, with who knows how many hours of sleep in between. It dawned on her that she’d actually slept for an entire night without jolting out of bed in a hot sweat spurred by vivid night terrors. Then the memories of Audrey’s gentle, soothing whispers began to flood back into her mind. Reluctantly breaking the kiss, Shelby pressed their foreheads together.

 

“I’m...sorry if I disturbed your sleep.”

 

Audrey sought her eyes. “You didn’t. I actually slept better than I have in quite some time.”

 

Shelby pressed her lips into a shy smile. “Me too.”

 

Audrey bit her lip, and proceeded to slink down the bed, fitting her head perfectly into the nook of Shelby’s neck. Shelby adjusted to lay on her back, sliding one arm around Audrey and the other behind her own head on the pillow. She studied the wooden beams that ran across the high ceilings, hoping she’d somehow find the answers to the questions she wasn’t ready to ask. She didn’t want to burst their sweet bubble of bliss. Not yet. They were comfortably quiet for a long time, chests beginning to synchronize as their breathing slowed to a calm pace. Mindlessly running her fingers over Audrey’s ribs, Shelby soaked in what might be their last moments of perfection.

 

“Audrey?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Why am I here?”

 

The older woman paused for a moment before lifting her head to find crystal blue eyes.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Swallowing hard, Shelby couldn’t quite look at her yet. She was almost certain she didn’t want to hear the answer. “I mean, why’d you agree to have me stay here?”

 

Audrey wrinkled her brow, “Out of the kindness of my heart, obviously.”

 

Shelby managed a weak smile. “It’s just...it’s kind of been in the back of my mind this whole time. Why you would want me here. After everything. We never had a great relationship...to say the least. And I figured I would just be a human reminder of all the shit you went through. So I just...I don’t know maybe I’m crazy…”

 

“You’re not crazy. Well...maybe just a little,” Audrey teased.

 

Shelby smiled with her mouth, but her eyes told a different story. Audrey read her solemn look and decided it was time to relent. Sitting up on her elbow, she let out a small sigh. “Okay, look. The truth is, first and foremost, I was a bit...strapped for cash. Still am if this part doesn’t come through…”

 

Shelby raised her eyebrows. She wasn’t sure if a monetary stipend came with the deal, but wasn’t exactly surprised to hear it. She sympathized with the need for money, but something told her it was something more than that. “Okay. Is that all?”

 

Audrey gave her a look that communicated _of course not_ , but the last thing she wanted to do was admit it was her loneliness. It was such a sore subject, something she found pathetic. Only boring people get lonely. At least that’s what she’d convinced herself for so long. Yet, if she were completely honest, she was lonely even in the most crowded rooms. When her and Rory would go on vacations, just the two of them, she still felt so...isolated. There were very few instances in her life that she could remember feeling true companionship, or anyone really taking the time to listen and meet her needs. So, starting at a young age, she began to create different characters for herself, based on what would get her the most attention or acknowledgement. Her parents and friends found her so entertaining, she continued to feed into their conditional love and acceptance by putting on these exaggerated versions of herself, which inevitably led to her love and talent for acting. Then, she could easily escape into these personas of people with exciting, complicated lives to distract her from the void within herself, that only continued to grow as she got older.

 

“You know when I bought this house I had so many...dreams of what I could make of it. The friends I could entertain, the holidays I could host...the children I could fill it with, maybe. Then I met Rory and well...all of that fell to the wayside. He was so full of life. I poured all of my love and energy into him...trying to keep up. It’s not that he demanded it I just—thought that’s what I wanted. To keep me young. Someone to take care of and make my world, you know?”

 

Shelby knew all too well. She made Matt her whole world, too. She wanted to be that ideal housewife. To give him a real family. To build a life together, to get away from their dysfunctional family. Yet she always found herself unsatisfied, yearning for something more. 

 

“Part of me also thought maybe if I could keep up with him...I could stay relevant. Casting directors could maybe overlook my age...the inevitable wrinkles on my face. Because they’d associate me with him. It’s silly really…”

 

Shelby gently lifted Audrey’s chin that had fallen, silently urging her to go on.

 

“Anyway so, long story short. This big empty home only reminds me of everything that could have been and...will never be.” Her eyes grew bleak, reflecting on all she’d lost.

 

Shelby was speechless. Audrey was so good at hiding. No wonder she flourished as an actress. She had simple hopes and dreams, fears and insecurities like everyone else.

 

“So...you thought, me being here, would help you forget all that?”

 

Audrey’s chest tightened. She was revealing so much more than she ever intended.

“Maybe...I don’t know.” She sat up and looked away, pulling the sheets around herself, trying to somehow cloak her vulnerability.

 

Shelby read her body language, hesitating as she sat up behind her.

 

“I’m going to take a shower,” Audrey said flatly.

 

Without another word, she shuffled out of the bed and went straight into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.

 

Shelby sat there, staring at the bathroom door, thoroughly confused. Maybe she pressed too hard, asked too many questions. Poked and prodded until she pushed her too far. Why couldn’t she just leave well enough alone? Berating herself under her breath, she moved to gather her clothes and shoes and headed to her room. Changing into athletic attire and lacing up her sneakers, she set out to go for a run until her lungs gave out.

 

She headed downstairs to find her phone, discovering that the battery had died since she hadn’t charged it for over a day. Puffing out an agitated breath, she went into the kitchen to find Audrey’s charger she usually kept by the toaster. When her phone finally came back on, it was flooded with missed calls and text messages from her lawyer, Will. She held her breath as she read through the text messages that said things like “call me ASAP” and “we’re on our way”. Frantically finding the buttons to call him back, she bit down on her bottom lip, racking her brain for an explanation as to what could possibly be going on. As the phone continued ringing with no answer, she heard the doorbell ring. Hanging up the phone in frustration, she walked into the foyer, looking for Jasper. He was nowhere in sight, and whoever was at the door continued to impatiently ring the doorbell. Rolling her eyes she yelled back into the house, “I’ll get it!” and went to open the door. 

 

“Hello, Shelby.”

 

Shelby stared back like a deer in the headlights, as she realized it was Will, along with a stern looking woman she’d never met before.

 

“Will...what are you doing here?”

 

“Well, if you or Audrey would answer your phones, you’d know we are here for our scheduled 90-day check in.”

 

“90 days? It hasn’t been…”

 

“Yeah well, certain circumstances have called for us to come sooner. May we come in now?”

 

“Ah sure…” she muttered as she moved aside to let them in.

 

Shelby folded her hands together, nervously glancing upstairs. “Audrey’s in the shower...should be out any minute.”

 

Will gave her a puzzled look, having noticed a purplish red mark on her neck when she looked up. “Okay, we will just wait here in the living room for her...if that’s alright with you.”

 

Shelby shook her head quickly, trying her best to act natural and failing miserably. “Would you like something to drink or…” Before she could finish, Audrey interrupted her, unaware of their new guests.

 

“Shelby you left your under—oh, Will, hello,” Audrey looked down over the balcony, catching sight of Will and the unfamiliar woman sitting on her couch. Glancing quickly over at a grimacing Shelby, she did a substantially better job at hiding her shock. “How are you? To what do we owe this...pleasant surprise?” Audrey combed her fingers through her wet hair, pulling her robe tightly closed.

 

Will looked back and forth between the two women, examining the obvious tension in the air. “Miss Tindall. We’ve been trying to reach you both. If you’ll get dressed and meet us down here, we’ll be happy to explain.”

 

Swallowing hard and glancing over at Shelby once more, she responded, “Of course. Make yourselves at home! I’ll be right down.”

 

As the three of them sat there in painfully awkward silence, Shelby began to analyze all the possibilities that would potentially bring Will all the way to London, acting so strange, accompanied by what she assumed to be a member of law enforcement of some kind. Her palms began to sweat as one of her knees bounced nervously up and down. Did he somehow know what happened between them last night? How could he? As impossible as it sounded, her paranoia only continued to grow as she waited. After what felt like an actual eternity or two, Audrey finally made her way downstairs wearing a simple navy blue dress.

 

“Sorry for the wait! Will, can I offer you and your friend some tea? A sandwich? You’ve traveled an awfully long way you must be exhausted!”

 

Shelby could tell by now that Audrey was putting on an act, overcompensating for her own anxiousness over the ambiguity of the visit.

 

Will was having none of it. “No, Miss Tindall, thank you. Have a seat, please.”

 

Audrey cleared her throat and quietly sat in an armchair near the fireplace, intentionally choosing not to sit on the love seat next to Shelby. Staring down at her hands, Shelby couldn’t decide if she were more concerned about that or the conversation ahead of them.

 

“Shelby, Audrey...is it okay if I call you Audrey?,” Will asked.

 

“Of course!” Audrey responded as cheerfully as she could manage.

 

“Great. Shelby, Audrey, as you know we were scheduled for an in-person check-in at 90 days. However, we received a call from local authorities that required our immediate attention.” Shelby could feel sweat accumulating at her temple. “See, when you moved here, Shelby, we gave the local PD your file. This was a simple precaution, due to the fact that you are technically living outside of our jurisdiction. We had no intention of them needing to contact us or keep tabs on you...until now.” 

 

Audrey chuckled nervously, “What does that mean?”

 

Will responded seriously, “A few weeks ago, they noticed two women, who we later confirmed to be you two, on CCTV outside of a bar in London. Shelby appeared to have been carried out by a security officer, with you by her side.”

 

Shelby’s eyes widened, while Audrey had yet to crack. “And?” Audrey said.

 

“And,” Will said more sternly, “As you know, Shelby has very strict parameters to her probation. Including, but not limited to, a 10pm curfew and...whatever might cause her to be thrown out of a bar, I’m sure.” Shelby and Audrey simply exchanged crestfallen looks, unable to come up with an immediate defense.

 

“Now, they do not have enough conclusive evidence to revoke your current probationary status with the courts…” Audrey let out a relieved exhale. “ _But,_ this kind of thing cannot happen again Shelby.” Shelby lifted her head, swiftly nodding, “Absolutely not, Will. I’m so sorry I…”

 

“So we were out late one night! What’s the big deal. She did nothing wrong! If anything it was my—”

 

Shelby shot her a death glare and interrupted, “Will, trust me. It won’t happen again. It was a mistake. It was all me, Audrey had nothing to do with it.”

 

Audrey looked back at her incredulously, irritated that she was trying to take the fall for something she was equally at fault for. Before she could protest, Will interrupted harshly.

 

“Ladies! I couldn't care less whose fault it was or what even happened. Frankly, all I care about was how sloppy you’ve been! Audrey, your reports have been lazy, not to mention late. These things are not making my job any easier and the courts are unimpressed with your progress so far.”

 

Shelby was embarrassed but more than that, she was pissed off. “Are you kidding me? What about therapy? I haven’t missed one…”

 

“Yeah, you haven’t missed a session but your doctor has expressed...concerns.”

 

Audrey looked over to find Shelby on the brink of tears, not out of sadness but sheer rage, something she’d seen in her eyes many times before. Looking to give her a chance to cool down, Audrey interjected.

 

“Okay, okay. Enough. Let’s cut to the chase. What do we do now? Is this just a wrist slapping or are you taking her back to the states?”

 

Will was visibly frustrated with her interruption, but conceded nonetheless. “Well, Audrey. We could do that, but in the past, I’ve found that abrupt changes in a short period of time are not always the best answer in these cases.” Shelby looked up at him, rage slowly fading.

 

“Okay, great! So we’re good then?” Audrey said hopefully.

 

“Not quite. Yes, Shelby will stay here, but so will Officer Suarez,” Will quipped, nodding his head towards the silent woman sitting next to him.

 

“What? Why? You just said—”

 

“I said that she would stay here, but under the supervision of a court appointed officer. For 30 days.”

 

Audrey scoffed, rolling her eyes dramatically. “So we’re being assigned a babysitter now, is that it? For Pete’s sake…”

 

Shelby sat silently. Of course it wasn’t the best scenario, but she wasn’t about to argue with a second chance.

 

“Look, you can either agree to the terms or Shelby will be reassigned. Your choice.”

 

Audrey stared daggers back at him. There was nothing she hated more than ultimatums. She wanted to give him a piece of her mind, but looked over at Shelby’s pleading eyes instead. As much as she hated this idea, she couldn’t put Shelby through the alternative.

 

“Fine. Whatever. But my last available room does not have a bathroom so she’ll have to use the one in the hall.”

 

Shelby smiled weakly, thankful for Audrey’s willingness to compromise.

 

“I think I’ll manage,” Officer Suarez responded, speaking for the first time since they arrived.

 

Audrey gave her a pained smile. “I guess we’re set then. Anything else, Will?”

 

Will looked at her pensively. “Shelby, would you mind helping Officer Suarez get settled? I’d like to have a word with Audrey alone.”

 

Shelby nodded her head with a thin smile, following the officer out the front door to help with her bags.

 

Audrey watched them leave, unaware of Will nearly staring a hole through her.

 

“Is there somewhere we can go more...private?”

 

Snapping her head back to face him, she nodded and led him out to the deck in her small backyard. Crossing her arms defensively, she raised her eyebrows, waiting for him to let it out.

 

“Listen, I want you to know that I want Shelby to succeed. It is my job to see her through this and for her to be a free woman in three months.”

 

Audrey just nodded her head and gave a halfhearted smile. She just wanted him to leave already.

 

Will continued, making sure Audrey finally looked at him. “So, having said that, I need you to know that I cannot say the same for Officer Suarez. She’s tough and she’s by the book. If she sees anything suspicious she will report it as she sees it and then my hands are tied.”

 

“Well, Shelby won’t be going to any bars anytime so I’m sure her little reports will be as boring as mine,” Audrey said flippantly.

 

Will didn’t crack a smile. “Audrey, be honest with me. Is there anything going on between you and Shelby?”

 

Audrey couldn’t hide her shock. How could he know that? Maybe it was her nearly shouting about Shelby’s underwear being in her room earlier. _Fuck._

 

“Absolutely not. That’s preposterous. How dare you insinuate such a thing I—”

 

“Cut the crap, Audrey. Whatever it is, it’s probably best I don’t know anyway. But just know that this type of thing will not fly with Officer Suarez. You need to be extremely careful or Shelby will be on the first flight back to L.A.”

 

Audrey rolled her eyes, feigning carelessness, as if she didn’t feel the wave of nausea that now resided in the pit of her stomach. Nodding her head, Will gave her one last look to convey his seriousness, and went back inside the house. Taking a moment before following him, she looked up at the sky and mouthed the word “fuck” before regaining her composure and going back inside.

 

When he finally left, Audrey leaned back into the front door and closed her eyes, letting out a long exhale. Maybe this was for the best, she thought to herself. They both needed time to process the last twenty-four hours, and maybe a human buffer would help them do that without inevitably falling back into bed together. As she continued to sort through her thoughts, she heard footsteps coming down the stairs.

 

“She’s all settled in the guest bedroom...said she was jet-lagged so she’s resting now. Wish I could say I could get a read on her but she’s tough to crack…” Shelby said with a sheepish smile, noticing the pensive look on Audrey’s face. “Look I’m sorry about all of this…”

 

“Shelby, please. You have to stop apologizing all the time.”

 

“I know, I just…”

 

“Stop. It’s fine. Besides, if it weren’t for my shitty reports maybe they would have overlooked the CCTV.”

 

Shelby just nodded and bit her lip, arms crossed tightly across her chest. “I highly doubt that but, thank you anyway. For agreeing to...have another stranger living in your house.”

 

Audrey gave a small chuckle, then looked straight into her eyes. “You’re not a stranger, Shelby.”

 

Shelby stared back into her warm brown eyes, doing everything in her power not to step forward and take her face into her hands, kissing the soft lips she’d already began to miss. But she knew they couldn’t show any sign of intimacy. Not with their new house guest just upstairs. It was too risky, and they both knew that, but it didn’t stop her from continuing to crave her.

 

“I’m going to make some tea. Join me?”

 

Shelby nodded her head and followed, smiling at what had now become their routine when things got heavy or awkward.

 

Instead of sitting in the bar stool across the island, Shelby chose to lean against the counter, just an arm’s length away from where Audrey prepared the tea.

 

“Audrey?”

 

“Don’t. Just...don’t. Not right now.”

 

Shelby scanned Audrey’s facial features for a moment before looking down at her feet. The tension between them was painful, almost heartbreaking. She wanted to connect with her so badly, and the thought of doing this for the next 30 days was enough to drive her mad.

 

Audrey hated it just as much. It was torture. Yes, they could benefit from this time apart but she could already see herself saying “fuck it” and breaking the rules. Officer Suarez could go to hell. As satisfying as forgetting the tea and lifting Shelby up onto the counter and kissing her with abandon would be, it wasn’t worth the risk. At least that’s what she continued to remind herself like a mantra in her head.

 

Audrey had learned what Shelby’s favorite tea flavor was depending on the time of day, and handed her the piping hot cup of Earl Grey without a word. As their fingertips brushed, she could feel the hair on her forearm stand up. Closing her eyes, she pulled back, grabbing her cup and moving to the other side of the kitchen.

 

“Audrey, come on. Are we really doing this?”

 

“What else are we supposed to do, Shelby? Got any better ideas?”

 

“She’s not going to report us for standing on the same side of the kitchen for Christ’s sake,” Shelby muttered, growing more irritated by the second.

 

Audrey just stared down into her tea, anticipating a migraine in the near future. She wished Shelby would just drop it.

 

She couldn’t. “God, you can be so cold, you know that? What do you have to lose anyway, huh? It’s not your life that’s at stake.” Shelby set her tea down and went to leave the kitchen, fed up with the whole conversation, or lack thereof.

 

“You.”

 

“What?” Shelby shouted back as she turned around.

 

“I have you to lose. Don’t you get that?”

 

Shelby froze, mouth agape, heart constricting.

 

Audrey raised her voice only slightly, not wanting Suarez to hear their spat. “If we fuck this up, you’re gone. Shipped back to the states without question. Is that what you want?”

 

Shelby didn’t know what to say. Her shoulders fell, as she relinquished her defensive stance. Audrey was leaned against the counter now, palms flat on the surface, head hanging down in defeat. Shelby walked over to her slowly, gently placing her hand over Audrey’s, despite everything. She couldn’t not touch her now. Before she could apologize, Audrey moved to wrap her arms around her waist, hugging her tightly. Shelby hesitated for just a moment, before returning the hug with all she had.

 

 “I’m sorry,” Shelby whispered.

 

“It’ll be fine,” Audrey responded softly. “What’s 30 days?”

 

Shelby nodded, dreading every second of it.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> would love y'all's feedback so far. loving it? hating it? lmk! @ashwagaga on the bird app


	12. on the low

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Companion song: On the Low by Tove Stryke

 

 Two weeks came and went with Officer Suarez watching their every move like a hawk. She was what some might call the strong, silent type. Audrey just called her a “gargoyle with a pulse”. What Suarez lacked in words she made up for with a look that could turn even the most hardened criminals into dust. Every morning she woke up at 5am sharp, having eaten breakfast and sent off her daily reports on her iPad before anyone else in the house had even considered rolling out of bed.

 

Meanwhile, the extent of Shelby and Audrey’s communication had become pleasantries in passing over tea in the kitchen and bidding each other good night as they went their separate ways to their respective bedrooms. Fourteen days managed to feel like months without them feeling safe enough to talk about more than the weather or what they had for dinner. Shelby spent most of her time searching for part-time jobs online to keep her focused on something more productive than endless bouts of exercise and attempting meditation. Nothing could keep her attention long enough before her mind inevitably wandered to unholy thoughts about the woman just down the hall.

 

“She’s going to be here for two more weeks and I don’t know how much more I can take,” Audrey hissed into the phone as she paced the floor of her room.

 

“Well, I’m just trying to figure out why you idiots can’t just find a way around her. She sleeps doesn’t she? A little midnight romp never hurt anybody.” Gillian was the only person Audrey could confide in about this particular situation, much to her chagrin.

 

“I’m not sure why I called you. You’re never any bloody help.”

 

“You love me. And just because you ignore my advice doesn’t mean it’s not sound. You’re just stubborn. You need to...release all that pent up stress...if you know what I mean.”

 

Audrey paused to pinch the bridge of her nose. “I’m hanging up now.”

 

“Have fun with the gargoyle,” Gillian cackled before she ended the call.

 

Tossing her phone on the bed and flopping down on her back, Audrey let out a long breath through her nose. None of this was ever meant to be so difficult. Yet the idea of being so close yet so far was absolute torture. The frustration radiating throughout her body only grew each day, manifesting itself in unprovoked, scathing emails to her agent or brushing her teeth so aggressively her gums began to bleed. This was going to be the longest month of her life. As she continued her self-loathing, chastising herself for even agreeing to this arrangement in the first place, she felt her phone vibrate next to her. Begrudgingly, she swiped the screen to find a text message from her mother, Margaret.

 

_Margaret: Audrey dear, we’re going to need you to bring some life to this party. Everyone is so boring and your sister’s on the brink of tears._

 

Audrey sat up to read the text once more. Had she really forgotten another event on her calendar? She felt like the entire outside world had faded behind the blinding eclipse that was Shelby Miller ever since she arrived. Squeezing her eyes shut, she desperately tried to remember what her mother could possibly be referring to. Then her eyes shot open. 

 

Her sister’s baby shower. Brilliant.

 

_Audrey: Oh mother, I’m hardly one for party tricks. I’ll be over in about an hour. Hang in there._

 

_Margaret: Oh thank GOD._

 

_Audrey: Oh and mum? Do you think Trish would mind if I bring a couple of guests?_

 

Later that day, after convincing Officer Suarez it would be a small get together with nothing to worry about, the three of them arrived at Audrey’s mother’s house in Hertfordshire. Shelby was nervous to suddenly be meeting most of Audrey’s family, but felt somewhat relieved to finally be free of their endlessly oppressive environment. At least now there would be other human beings as potential buffers between them and Officer Suarez. That was enough to have Shelby asking no questions when Audrey sent her a text that simply said “Get dressed. Family thing. Leaving in 20.” She had no idea where they were going and why, so she dressed casually in skinny jeans, an over-sized sweater and boots before meeting Audrey in the foyer. Audrey wore a vintage looking cream-colored dress that fell just below her knees, visibly impatient to get out the door. Shelby tried to catch her eyes, searching for some semblance of what they were doing or where they were going. Audrey could feel her staring, wished she could reach for her hand and give it a reassuring squeeze. They just needed to get out the door and maybe they could find a window of opportunity to finally breathe. An opportunity to finally unpack the ever growing box of complications their relationship had become.

 

As they made their way inside, Margaret spotted them immediately and ran to greet them.

 

“Audrey my love! Where on Earth have you been? We’ve missed you terribly.”

 

Audrey kissed her and rolled her eyes, knowing her mother was just bored out of her mind.

 

“Oh what, aren’t you excited to be a grandmother?”

 

Margaret ignored Audrey’s subtle dig, turning her attention to Shelby.

 

“Well hello! You’re? Shelby, right? The girl...the role Audrey played for that awful reality show? It’s all so confusing…”

 

“Yes, hello Mrs. Tindall. Pleased to meet you,” Shelby said as she looked over at Audrey and put on a smile, hoping to mask her embarrassment at the mention of the show.

 

Audrey cleared her throat in an attempt to redirect the conversation. “And this is Officer Suarez...a friend of...Shelby’s.”

 

Shelby furrowed her brow in confusion, but decided it was futile not to play along. “Uhm, yeah. Yes this is...my friend. We go way back.”

 

Officer Suarez just looked back and forth between Audrey and Shelby, smirking silently at their white lie.

 

Margaret was puzzled, but didn’t care to dig into what was really going on. “Well then. Pleased to meet you all! Now come get some mimosas before the Carlsons down the rest of the champagne.”

 

As Margaret escorted them into the kitchen, Officer Suarez made sure to walk behind all of them. Audrey noticed and rolled her eyes, whispering back at Shelby, “Officer Clam Jam just can’t give it a bloody rest can she.”

 

Shelby sank her teeth into her bottom lip, trying to hide the giggle threatening to escape her throat. Audrey flashed an enchanting smile over her shoulder, sending Shelby’s laughter fleeing. Her stomach flipped, as she realized in that moment how much she’d truly missed being on the receiving end of that smile, among other things. 

 

The kitchen and living room were filled with people, far more than Shelby or Suarez expected based on how Audrey described the party, clearly having downplayed it’s extravagance. Suarez kept her usual stoic expression, eventually finding a seat in the corner of the room where she uncharacteristically indulged in a piece of cake.

 

“Oh look who’s finally cutting loose,” Audrey said to Shelby over her mimosa.

 

Shelby just absently chuckled and nodded. She’d been distracted almost the entire time, and it wasn’t the fact that she knew no one else in the room besides Audrey, or that she could feel people staring at her, whispering God knows what. The only thing she could bring herself to be concerned with was the refreshingly delicious smell that was so uniquely Audrey, so comforting and familiar and intoxicating. Audrey casually conversed with people that approached her, but all Shelby could think about was how to get her alone, if only for a moment.

 

“Audrey, could you show me where the bathroom is?,” Shelby interjected, abruptly interrupting Audrey’s conversation.

 

“Uh, sure, yes. Julia, I’ll be right back. I’m dying to hear about your juice cleanse!”

 

Shelby smiled back politely as they walked away. Then she took Audrey’s arm and leaned in to whisper, “You don’t give a shit about her juice cleanse.”

 

Audrey laughed and conceded, “Was it that obvious?”

 

Shelby grinned. She was unprepared for the ripples of goosebumps that spread across her flesh just being this close to her, effortlessly sharing space as if they were the only ones in the room. As they approached the bathroom at the end of the hall, Shelby swiveled her head to make sure they weren’t being watched, especially by Officer Suarez. Thankfully, one of Audrey’s cousins had cornered her to discuss their thoughts on gun control.

 

Taking one final look around, Shelby swiftly grabbed Audrey’s hand and pulled her into the bathroom.

 

“Wha—”, Audrey exasperated before Shelby’s lips collided with hers. Audrey whimpered into her mouth, getting over her shock quickly as Shelby’s warm tongue skillfully tangled with her own. Audrey’s hands compulsively clutched the taller woman’s face as they urgently exchanged searing, breathless kisses against the bathroom door. All of their pent up sexual energy that yearned to be released for weeks poured out of them both like roaring rapids breaking through a faulty dam, recklessly consuming everything in its path. Shelby’s hands firmly trailed down Audrey’s waist, sinking her fingertips into her hips as she quickly hoisted her up onto the bathroom counter. Audrey yelped with a pleased smile, and Shelby couldn’t help but smile back, whispering “Shh” as she sealed their hungry lips together again. Oxygen was an afterthought. 

 

Shelby knew they didn’t have much time until Suarez noticed they were both missing, so she impatiently spread Audrey’s legs wider, causing the older woman to let out a strained gasp. As Shelby planted hot kisses down her jawline and neck, Audrey’s head fell back, colliding with the mirror just behind her. 

 

“Shit,” she hissed.

 

Shelby looked up with a wide grin spreading across her face, trying so hard to suppress the laugh bubbling to the surface. Audrey bit the corner of her lip to do the same, and leaned forward to trace her thumb over Shelby’s dimple that she was secretly obsessed with, kissing her over and over again. Shelby moved her hands to Audrey’s back, helping her lean forward again, pressing their bodies together tightly. 

 

“They’re going to wonder where we are,” Audrey mumbled into her mouth between kisses, making no attempt to pull away or slow down.

 

“Well then we’d better hurry up,” Shelby said as she grabbed Audrey’s ass to pull her closer to the edge of the counter. The older woman wrapped her legs around Shelby’s hips instinctively, grasping the back of her neck with her hands to continue to indulge in her sweet lips for the short amount of time they had left. Placing one hand on Audrey’s lower back, Shelby slowly ran her other hand down her smooth thigh, eventually finding damp lace underwear at her fingertips. She moaned into Audrey’s mouth, incredibly aroused by how slick she was when she skillfully moved her panties to the side and slid one finger through her folds, then inside her. Audrey’s mouth fell open to gasp, but Shelby covered her mouth with hers to keep her quiet, kissing her hard. Audrey’s hands ran up the sides of Shelby’s head, raking her fingernails across her scalp in frustration laced with pleasure. Shelby smiled into the kiss as she adjusted to add a second finger, making sure her palm grazed her clit with each thrust.

 

“Oh my god,” Audrey gasped under her breath as Shelby nipped at her bottom lip. Her hands were gentle but urgent, fingers curling up inside of her so perfectly. Audrey’s heels dug into Shelby’s ass, responding to each deep thrust with her hips. The cold surface under her was equal parts uncomfortable and electrifying, knowing someone would inevitably be washing their hands in the same place she’d been fucked just moments before.

 

Shelby broke the kiss to breathe, finding Audrey’s lust-filled eyes and feeling like her heart might burst. She was so gorgeous like this, and she wanted to tell her, but feared she might cross the line into more emotionally exposed territory than either of them were willing to push. This was raw and urgent and primal, they craved each other so much physically they were bound to breakdown and end up here. At the same time, Shelby wanted to go home and watch old classic movies in Audrey’s bed. Laugh and cry with her, share each other’s secrets then lay in comfortable silence like the world wasn’t determined to pull them apart. 

 

That scared the shit out of her; wanting something deeper, something more meaningful than the thrill of stolen glances and secret sex. It was something she swore she wouldn’t let this become. So as she watched Audrey’s eyes silently examine her thoughts, she swiftly thrust her fingers impossibly deep inside of her, leaning forward to whisper in her ear, “Come for me.”

 

Audrey’s orgasm was unrestrained and loud. Shelby smiled through the euphoria of hearing the sounds she was causing to escape Audrey’s lips, but quickly remembered that there was merely a door between them and half of Audrey’s family. As she continued to relentlessly pump inside of her, she leaned forward to cover her mouth with hers, muffling the sound of her moans by tangling their tongues once again. Audrey whimpered through her shockwaves of pleasure, clutching Shelby’s shoulders like she’d fall off a cliff if she let go. 

 

A cliff was a good description of what they were standing on. Teetering back and forth between safety and despair, testing the limits of their luck. As if they had any to spare. Shelby slowed her ministrations, opening her eyes to watch what had become her new favorite thing; Audrey’s eyebrows pinched together in pleasure, chest heaving up and down as she reached the crescendo of her climax at Shelby’s touch. It made her feel alive, more human than she’d felt in a long time. 

 

Slowly, Audrey’s breathing began to normalize. Her eyelids fluttered open to find Shelby’s baby blue eyes watching her. Mindlessly, she reached up to caress her face, mirroring the adoring look in her eyes. The air between them shifted. Audrey’s breath caught in her throat, cheeks beginning to redden at the exposure. 

 

Before, they were in the dark, clothed in moonlight but still hidden. Now, sunlight shone through the window in the small bathroom, illuminating them both, highlighting the look on Shelby’s face that was far more than lust. Audrey couldn't come to terms with the overwhelming feeling that made her heart pound in her chest, stomach fluttering with those _goddamn_ butterflies she wished would leave her alone.

 

Shelby leaned in to kiss her again, but Audrey turned her head. 

 

“We should get back. Suarez will have our heads if she’s noticed we’ve disappeared.”

 

Shelby stared back at her, backing away slowly, confused as to what she did wrong.

 

“Audrey…”

 

Audrey interjected,“I’ll leave first.” Slinking down off the counter, she faced the mirror to fix her hair and wipe away the smeared lipstick around her mouth. “You wait five minutes or so before you come out.” Before Shelby could respond, Audrey gave her one final look, resisting everything her heart was telling her to do, and walked out the door to find her sister. 

 

As she made her way across the room, she dug her fingernails into her palms. The sheer amount of emotion that radiated from her body was enough for anyone who looked her way to notice.

 

“Oh hey, big sis! Nice of you to show up!” Audrey’s younger sister, Trish, yelled from behind her pile of gifts as she saw Audrey emerging from the hallway.

 

“Now when have you _ever_ known me to be early? Fashionably late as they say…” Audrey replied, conjuring up the attitude she was known and loved for.

 

“Yeah yeah yeah…” Trish responded, motioning for her to come sit next to her as she returned to ripping open more gifts.

 

Audrey sat in the empty chair next to her, still self-consciously adjusting her dress, glancing around with a healthy amount of paranoia. Suarez was thankfully still tied up with her cousin Jeff, visibly annoyed. Audrey chuckled, amused by someone finally being the thorn in Suarez’s side instead of the other way around.

 

“Where have you been?”

 

Audrey’s paranoia kicked back in immediately. “What do you mean? Can’t a girl visit the bathroom without getting the third degree?”

 

Trish gave her a confused look, “I meant...over the past few months. We’ve hardly seen you.”

 

“Oh uh—yes well I’ve just been busy you know...auditions left and right. I can hardly keep up,” Audrey lied skillfully. 

 

“Right. Well, I hope you’re not too busy when little Edward comes along. He’s going to need his Auntie Audrey around to teach him all the naughty words.” 

 

Audrey laughed heartily. She was so grateful for her mother, sister and Gillian through all of this. They didn’t completely understand how to support Audrey through her personal trauma, but they were there for her nonetheless. Her mother was never quite fond of Rory, but she bit her tongue through the sudden engagement and wedding that soon followed. All she ever wanted was to see her eldest daughter happy. Trish married her high school sweetheart and was already on her third child, and Margaret knew that Audrey felt like she was failing as the older sister. Approaching her mid-forties, the pressure of settling down really began to sink in. She spent her twenties and thirties riding the waves of her B-list fame, taking lavish vacations or indulging in bottle service with her former group of friends every weekend at the newest hot spots in London or even New York when she was feeling restless. She never felt the urge to settle down or live a practical life until one day she suddenly felt the crushing weight of her mortality. So Rory seemed to be the perfect solution to both of those things. For a while at least.

 

“I would love nothing more,” Audrey replied with a genuine but pained smile. She wanted to be there for her family, but she still felt so broken. Unlovable. Unable to offer anything of merit to them or anyone.

 

After Trish was finally finished opening all of her gifts, Audrey hugged her tightly and apologized for not bringing anything, promising to have her act together before her baby arrived.

 

“Audrey, all we want is for you to be happy. Whatever that looks like.”

 

Audrey just nodded her head with a thin smile, begging her tears not to fall.

 

Trish squeezed her hand, looking over towards the kitchen. “Looks like mum and your friend are getting on quite nicely.”

 

Audrey followed her gaze to find Shelby and her mother laughing over mimosas, as if they’d known each other for ages. The sight was puzzling, as the two women could not be more different, but somehow Margaret was still on the verge of tears from laughing so hard.

 

“Wait so, let me get this straight. Audrey said that she was a nurse?! at _Her Majesty’s_?”

 

Shelby nodded her head emphatically as Margaret slapped her on the shoulder in a fit of laughter. “God and I thought Trish was the drama queen of the family! A bloody _nurse_. The last thing I saw her nurse was her hangover the morning she auditioned for that part...playing you!” She cackled loudly again, as Shelby gripped her arm to keep her from falling backwards.

 

Audrey picked her jaw up off the floor and stood up to go see what they could possibly be talking about. She wasn’t sure if she should be pleased, suspicious or something in between. Of course her mother would take to Shelby. Anyone with a pulse was inevitably susceptible to those striking blue eyes, the way she talks to people like they’re the only person in the world, or how when she laughs she does it with her entire face and body, effortlessly tossing her gorgeous hair over her shoulder like a goddamn supermodel. Kind of like she was doing right now. Margaret never stood a chance.

 

“Hey mum, you’re extra giggly today.” Audrey poked her in the ribs while glancing over at Shelby nervously. The taller blonde avoided eye contact, but responded nonetheless.

 

“I was just educating your lovely mother on our time on the show. Apparently she didn’t watch it…”

 

“Pardon _me_?! I really tried, Shelby! It just got so gory I couldn’t keep my eyes open longer than two seconds.”

 

Audrey let out the anxious breath she’d held captive in her lungs, relieved that she hadn’t delved into the real tragedy of it all. Until she did.

 

“And then there was the second go-round…”

 

Audrey pressed her eyelids shut, hoping that through some act of God her mother wouldn’t bring up Rory for the millionth time. This was why she hadn’t come around for so long. Her family cared so much, but that began to circle around to overbearing, making her relive the nightmare every time, thinking it would somehow help her move on. They treated her like a baby bird with a broken wing, and their strategy was to keep reminding her of the broken wing, as if that in itself would magically have her flying on her own again. She knew they meant well, but they were far from well-versed when it came to healing from trauma. They’d all lived incredibly comfortable lives. The worst affliction the family experienced in recent years was the passing of the family Schnauzer, Penny. The elderly dog was going on 16 years, but that didn’t keep her mother from becoming a shut-in for nearly three months, secluding herself to her bedroom to weep into her dog bed for the majority of each day. Audrey loved that dog, but watching her friends and husband get slaughtered one by one may have desensitized her to that loss, just a bit.

 

“Mother can we please not…”

 

Shelby looked between them both, quickly catching on to where the conversation was headed, and the pained look in Audrey’s eyes that she never wanted to see.

 

“Shoot, you know what? I am so sorry Mrs. Tindall. We completely forgot about something we have to do tonight.”

 

Audrey looked over at her, bewildered by yet _another_ commitment she’d apparently forgotten. Then she caught the slightest arch in Shelby’s eyebrow, and finally caught on.

 

“Right! Yes that...very important thing we have to do, absolutely mandatory. Sorry mum! I’ll say goodbye to Trish and meet you at the door if you’ll grab Officer Suarez, Shelby.”

 

“Will do.” Shelby nodded her head before taking Margaret’s hand in hers. “Margaret, it was truly a pleasure meeting you.” 

 

Margaret looked back at her in adoration. “Well aren’t you just the sweetest. The pleasure was all mine.” She moved in to wrap Shelby in the most motherly hug she’d experienced in such a long time. Shelby felt an overwhelming surge of catharsis, returning the hug tightly to keep her from seeing the tears that welled in her eyes.

 

“And I’m...so sorry for your loss,” Shelby muttered softly.

 

Margaret leaned back, placing her hands on Shelby’s shoulders. The lighthearted air between them dissipated, replaced with genuine gratitude. “Thank you, Shelby. I’m just...glad she has someone like you around.”

 

Shelby nodded her head, unprepared for such a sentiment. One she didn’t feel she deserved.

 

“Alright mum, we’re off! Don’t worry Shelby, Suarez is already waiting in the car. I have to give it to her, she’s yet to break character.”

 

Shelby let out a small chuckle as she watched Audrey and Margaret say their goodbyes.

 

Eventually, they were shuffling into the car, headed back to London with Muse’s “Unintended” faintly playing through the stereo. Shelby took the backseat this time. Apparently Suarez called shotgun without her realizing it, but Shelby wasn’t complaining. Having Audrey in front of her instead of just an arm’s length away was probably best. The desire to probe, to question, to get inside her head right now was palpable. Every now and then they’d catch each other’s eyes in the rear view mirror. Audrey’s gaze was solemn, almost apologetic. Words needed to be spoken.

 

But had they missed their moment? Would it be another two weeks until they could connect? Would it be too late?

 

As they slowly pulled into the gravel driveway, Audrey shifted the vehicle into park. As she opened the door to get out, she stopped to respond to a text message she’d just received. Shelby watched her face fall, bottom lip retreating into her mouth as her chin quivered ever so subtly. 

 

Shelby ignored every impulse in her body to lean forward and take her chin in her hand, coaxing the cause of her distress out of her. 

 

Then again, she retracted from Shelby earlier. Rejected any deeper emotional intimacy. Perhaps that’s the line she’d drawn in the sand with this relationship. If you could call it that. So Shelby refrained from inquiring any further, and exited the car to let her and Suarez into the house with her spare key.

 

Later that evening, Shelby laid on her back with her arms folded behind her head, dressed in a simple cotton T-shirt and knee-length sweatpants, staring at the tiny cracks in the ceiling. This house was beautiful, but it bore flaws in its structure. Cracks that wouldn’t allow rain to leak through on a typical rainy day, but in the event of a devastating storm, water could find its way into her bed. As she contemplated the natural disasters that could compromise the integrity of Audrey’s home, her mind naturally wandered to the older blonde herself. It always did.

 

The house was eerily quiet, with only the ticking of an antique grandfather clock echoing lightly through the corridors of the old home. As midnight approached, Suarez retired to her bedroom, figuring that if Shelby was asleep, she might as well be, too. 

 

Audrey’s bedroom door closed much sooner than that, having forgone dinner, quietly retreating upstairs shortly after they arrived home. Something was wrong. Not just this minefield of emotions between them, or Suarez getting under her skin for merely existing. No, it was something much deeper. Something that seemingly crushed her spirit, took the light out of her eyes.

 

Shelby couldn’t sit idly by any longer. 

 

As she inched her bedroom door open and closed, she held her breath, glancing down the hall to where Suarez was hopefully sleeping deeply. Each step elicited a tiny creak beneath her feet, causing her heart to thump loudly in her ears. _Suarez is asleep, you’re fine_ , she reminded herself. After what felt like the longest trek of her life, she finally made it to Audrey’s bedroom door, noticing a sliver of light illuminating its edges. Her heart had yet to calm, so she closed her eyes and took a deep breath before bringing her knuckles up to the wooden door. Yet before she could knock, she heard a muffled whimper from the other side. Audrey was crying. 

 

Shelby’s heart shifted from a nervous thrum to an aching mess. She paused briefly, before making the decision to open the door without risking the knock or Audrey’s reply waking up Suarez. It was unlocked. Holding her breath once more, Shelby slowly peeked her head in to find Audrey curled up on the bed, wrapped in a giant wool blanket, sobbing into her pillow. Shelby’s eyebrows furrowed together, unsure of how to announce herself without upsetting her further.

 

Before the words could leave her mouth, Audrey turned around and gasped.

 

“Jesus, you scared the shit out of me!”

 

Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot, cheeks damp and crimson. She’d been crying for some time.

 

“Sorry…”, Shelby whispered as she made the bold decision to close the door behind her.

 

Audrey quickly attempted to dry her face with the back of her hand, as if she could somehow manage to hide from Shelby at this point.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“I’m...closing the door.”

 

Audrey huffed, irritated by the obvious answer.

 

“No I mean what are you doing _here_. If Suarez finds you…”

 

“Screw Suarez,” Shelby interrupted. “I’m not leaving.”

 

Audrey opened her mouth to protest, but the determined look in Shelby’s eyes as she approached the bed was something she was too exhausted to fight.

 

As she slowly sat on the bed, folding one leg inward and letting the other dangle off the side, Shelby kept a considerable distance from where Audrey had come to sit up in the middle of the bed. She kept quiet, for a long time, refraining from asking questions until Audrey was ready to talk. 

 

Finally, nervously pulling apart the tissues in her hands, Audrey broke the silence. “I didn’t get the part.”

 

Shelby’s face fell. _Shit_.

 

“Oh no, Audrey I’m...so sorry.” The words felt empty, inadequate.

 

“I know it’s stupid...to be this broken up over a silly role.”

 

Shelby unconsciously moved closer, placing her hand on Audrey’s wrist. She looked up, seemingly melting by the minute.

 

“It’s just...it was so perfect. So right for me. A major film with an All-Star cast that would’ve pulled me out of my slump and revived my career.” 

 

Shelby could not relate, but tried her best to keep her face neutral.

 

Audrey knew how she sounded. “Believe me I know it’s probably the most narcissistic sounding thing you’ve ever heard but...it’s all I have. What am I if I can’t keep my career afloat? I'm already a tragic failure in every regard…”

 

“No, you’re not.”

 

Shelby’s words fell on deaf ears. 

 

“Yes, I am. Useless and irrelevant. Washed up. Unmarried. Nothing to offer the world...” She began to weep uncontrollably into her hands.

 

Shelby reflexively moved to sit next to her, wrapping her arms around her shaking shoulders. Audrey crumbled, almost immediately turning to clutch Shelby’s arm, sobbing into her chest. Shelby just let her cry, unconcerned with the mascara that would surely stain her white T-shirt. 

 

After a while, Audrey’s body finally grew limp, sinking further into Shelby as her tears began to run dry. Her whimpers remained. Without a word, Shelby maneuvered them to lay back with their heads sharing a pillow, Audrey’s grasp never loosening from her shirt. Shelby kept one arm wrapped around her shoulders, as Audrey nuzzled her wet nose into her neck. Slowly but deliberately, Shelby ran her fingers through Audrey’s short hair, attempting to soothingly lull her to sleep, shutting out the pain for just a little while. Her breathing eventually began to even out, sniffles subsiding slowly. Shelby’s other hand had come to rest on her own stomach as she lay on her back, continuing to stroke Audrey’s hair with the other. After several moments of silence, Audrey brought her hand up Shelby’s stomach and wordlessly laced their fingers together. Shelby wanted to venture just inches down and kiss her forehead, whisper that everything was going to be alright. Her heart swelled at the idea, but she ultimately decided to simply squeeze their fingers together, and let that be good enough for now.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I've said this a million times but??? Your support means the world ♥️


	13. heal me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> companion song: Heal Me - Lady Gaga (bcuz ofc I had to get a gaga song in here)

 

“Shelby, Shelby! You’ve got to stay awake. I know you’re tired but you have to stay with me. Don’t give up now. Come on, stay with me.”

 

Thirteen hours. Thirteen hours of waiting for the sun to rise. For help to come. 

 

The final day of the Blood Moon’s devastating wrath had come to pass, and they were alive. Barely. Audrey sat with her back to a mossy concrete wall, legs outstretched in front of her, willing her limbs not to fall into atrophy. A haunting aroma of death and decay wafted through the damp basement, carrying the constant reminder of the massacre that occurred all around them for the past several days. The worst days of her life.

 

Somehow they managed to go undetected for nearly three days, and although she prayed thanks to the God she previously ignored, the idea of those murderous ghosts being distracted by slaughtering the others was devastating. Too much for her to wrap her fragile mind around. So she focused on the responsibility in front of her: keeping Shelby alive.

 

After the initial shock of killing her husband subsided, her body went through waves of violent convulsions, guttural screams of Matt’s name, and endless sobbing until her body eventually shut down. She didn’t speak a word for two days. Occasionally, the horror would replay in her mind and she would whimper incoherently for hours. Audrey was at her wit’s end, but the less she began to hear from Shelby, the more concerned she became. Once they were able to barricade themselves in the basement, they stayed about two yards from each other most of the time. As inconsolable as Shelby was, she refused to accept any comfort or condolences from Audrey. And she was fine with that. Until she was unable to tell if Shelby was still breathing, curled in a fetal position on the concrete floor. An uninvited wave of concern and panic washed over Audrey. As she slowly began to crawl over to her, back and knees aching from the unforgiving ground, she noticed all the color had left Shelby’s usually peach-tinted lips. _Shit._

 

So Audrey summoned the final morsels of adrenaline left in her system, hoisting Shelby’s limp body into her lap as she leaned against a nearby wall, begging her to stay awake. To survive. They both needed to survive. Shelby’s eyelids were heavy, but each time Audrey spoke, they’d flutter open as she nodded her head ever so subtly, signaling that she was trying, fighting.

 

“That’s it, there you go. Just a little while longer,” Audrey encouraged as she combed her fingers over Shelby’s scalp, threading through her blood-stained hair.

 

By the time help arrived, both women were found unconscious. With no real food or water for days, and the significant amounts of blood they'd both lost, vital signs were faint. Yet, the attending officer that discovered them confirmed that, had they not had each other in that basement, one or both of them would have most likely succumbed to extreme dehydration, hypothermia, or a deadly combination of the two.

 

***

As Shelby watched streams of rain trickle down the window of Audrey’s bedroom, she couldn’t ignore the parallels of the moment. Thankfully, Audrey was breathing perfectly, warm in her embrace. Shelby continued to run her fingers through the sleeping woman’s hair as comfort, not a desperate attempt to keep her conscious. They weren’t trapped in a musty basement, but sharing Audrey’s bed again. A bed in which she’d experienced the most mind-numbing orgasms of her life. The biggest plot twist of all.

 

Returning to Roanoke, she knew she was making an irrevocable, life-threatening mistake, but at that point, she truly believed she had nothing left to lose. But Audrey, she had everything to lose. Her life was on the upswing before she went back into that house. Months ago, Shelby would scoff at the thought of feeling sorry for her, reminding herself that it was _her_ decision to test fate. Her decision not to believe in the dangerous power of the Blood Moon. Yet despite all of that, looking down at the remnants of tear tracks and smeared mascara on Audrey’s once vibrant face, Shelby conceded that maybe she’d suffered enough. Maybe they both had.

 

Squeezing her eyes shut for a moment, she peered over Audrey’s head to find the alarm clock read 3:43am. Suarez would be up in just over an hour, and she should probably get some sleep before her therapy session later. Dr. Burns would notice bags under her eyes as soon as she walked in the door, and Shelby knew she needed to at least appear healthy and well rested. So she began to slowly try and shift out from under Audrey without waking her. The rest of her body was free, but her right arm remained captive to the slumbering blonde. Biting her bottom lip, she tried her best to gently roll Audrey over, and for a few seconds, she thought she’d succeeded.

 

“Mmm, Rory. Where are you going? Brad Pitt can wait...”

 

Shelby physically felt all of the air leave her lungs, a unique mixture of sympathy and mortification taking its place in her chest cavity. Her eyes fell shut.

 

“No Audrey, I’m sorry. It’s me, Shelby. I was just leaving…”

 

Audrey’s eyes shot open as she sat up quickly, immediately grasping Shelby’s wrist as she moved to leave the bed.

 

“Shelby...I’m sorry I was...dreaming I guess.”

 

“It’s okay,” Shelby whispered, reaching to brush her tousled bangs out of her troubled chestnut eyes. “Go back to sleep. I was just heading out before Suarez wakes up.”

 

Audrey nodded her head, continuing to clutch Shelby’s arm with her trembling fingers. “Right...probably best.” 

 

Shelby looked down at her hand, then back up to her pleading, watery eyes. 

 

“I guess I could stay for just a few more minutes...until you fall back to sleep.”

 

Audrey nodded gratefully, scooting back a few inches so Shelby wouldn’t feel the pressure to hold her again. Sliding back into the warm spot they’d previously occupied, Shelby folded one arm under her head, laying on her side to face Audrey. 

 

“Do you mind setting an alarm on your phone?” 

 

Without hesitation, Audrey rolled over to grab her phone, setting a timer, and placing it between them on the bed.

 

“Thank you,” Shelby said softly. “How are you feeling?”

 

“Alright,” Audrey responded in a small voice, just below a whisper. Her eyes remained closed, as her breathing began to fall into a slow rhythm. 

 

Relief coursed through Shelby’s mind, thankful that the distraught woman across from her seemed to be drifting back to sleep with ease. The room was tranquil, only the sporadic sounds of torrent wind rattling the shutters disturbed the peace occasionally. After several minutes of silence, exhaustion began to pull at Shelby’s eyelids, tempting her into a deep slumber, until a quiet voice finally broke between them.

 

“We had...dirty bathroom sex.”

 

That woke her up. 

 

Clearing her throat as quietly as she could, Shelby responded, “Yeah, yeah we did,” hoping the small smile that began to spread across her face would go unnoticed in the moonlit bedroom.

 

“At my...sister's baby shower.”

 

Shelby’s smile fell quickly. There it was. The reason Audrey pulled away like she did. _Idiot, Shelby. You’re an Idiot._

 

“I—I’m…”

 

“Shelby Miller I swear to God if you apologize I’m going to scream so loud that Suarez storms in here and drags you out by your ear.”

 

Shelby’s eyes widened, lips parting then closing. She genuinely didn’t understand. “Okay…”

 

“I’m not...upset about it. Quite the contrary, actually.”

 

Confusion continued to inundate Shelby’s mind, air slowly beginning to fill her lungs again. 

 

Finally finding Audrey’s eyes, she replied, “You’re not?”

 

Audrey shook her head, sifting through her thoughts to pluck out the right words in a sea of so many things she needed to say.

 

“Shelby. When I’m with you, I feel...” 

 

Both women flinched as the chimes from Audrey’s phone penetrated the space between them. Audrey pressed her lips and eyes closed, insecurity rearing its ugly head again as her phone continued to sound. Punching in her password aggressively, she finally stopped the alarm. The room fell quiet once more, gusts of wind taunting them as the windows creaked.

 

Shelby’s throat went dry. _Whose stupid idea was it to set that goddamn alarm anyway? Oh yeah, hers._ With each second that passed, the moment slipped further and further away and she swore she could visually see Audrey’s heart sewing itself back up again, repairing all points of entry. 

 

Rolling onto her back in defeat, Shelby huffed out a breath of frustration through her nose. Sitting up, she swung her legs over the side of the bed, running her hand over the stiff muscles of her neck. A feather light touch grazed the back of her arm, eliciting waves of tiny goosebumps as she turned around.

 

“Thank you...for staying with me.”

 

“Of course. I’ll see you later.”

 

Audrey nodded, watching Shelby exit the room quietly.

  


***

 

“So, why do you think Officer Suarez’s presence upsets you so much?”

 

Shelby winced, fidgeting in an over-sized leather chair in her therapist’s dimly lit office.The question made the whole situation sound trivial. Like the idea of needing a member of law enforcement to monitor her, tracing her every step like she was a dangerous criminal itching to cause trouble, wasn’t enough of a reason to have her agitated.

 

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” Shelby threw her hands up in the air, desperately trying to level with the annoyingly calm woman across from her. After Will mentioned that Dr. Burns expressed “concerns”, she felt like she was bending over backwards to finally be honest.

 

“How would you feel, Dr. Burns? If you finally found a way to connect with someone and that was just...taken away. Without warning.”

 

“Connect...you mean with Audrey? Well that’s great to hear. In what way have you two connected?”

 

Crimson flushed across Shelby’s ears and cheeks, images of sweat sheening over her skin as she rode Audrey’s face, digging her fingernails into the wooden headboard as she came spectacularly, stars bursting with light behind her eyelids.

Images of fucking Audrey on a her mother’s bathroom counter, desperate to feel her, devouring her mouth each time she let out a whine of pleasure as to not expose their hidden tryst to her unsuspecting family in the other room.

Images of laying awake in Audrey’s bed while she slept, ready to battle any and all of her demons for her. 

 

Lust, desire...adoration.

 

“I just mean we’ve...become friends. I guess.” Shelby attempted nonchalance, looking at everything in the room to avoid eye contact with Dr. Burns.

 

“I see. So, Officer Suarez...has been a strain on you and Audrey’s friendship?”

 

 _Yes, that sounds acceptable._ “Yes. We’ve just found this new territory of...opening up to each other and with her there it makes it...difficult. That’s all.”

 

“That’s understandable,” Dr. Burns replied, glancing down at her notepad to scribble something down. After several moments of contemplative silence, she took her glasses off and set them down gently on her side table.

 

“Well, Shelby, I have to say. You’ve got a certain...air about you now. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it’s a marked improvement. There’s a light in your eyes. Although, hints of tension remain in your jaw and shoulders. Is that...all Officer Suarez?”

 

Shelby raised an eyebrow, mildly uncomfortable with being so transparent. The complicated nature of her relationship with Audrey was part of it, too. But that was better left unsaid.

 

“I mean, I can pretty much guarantee you...she’s most of it.” 

 

Dr. Burns let out the slightest chuckle. “Thank you for your honesty, Shelby. I’d encourage you to continue confiding in Audrey. She seems to be good for you.” 

 

Shelby’s stomach fluttered. “I will.”

 

“And as for Officer Suarez, I’ll see what I can do.”

 

***

 

Later that evening, Shelby sat on the back porch, bundled up in a cushioned chair next to the empty fire pit. The lights of the nearby city made it difficult to make out many stars, but the crescent moon glowed brightly, calming the tension in her bones as she meditated. Breathing the cool air in through her nose, then out slowly through her mouth, the scent of the floral assortment of Audrey’s garden flooded her senses. Roses, tulips, orchids and lilies, all pungent in smell but waning in appearance. As winter approached, these once vibrantly beautiful flowers began to fade. 

 

Winding down from her meditation, Shelby mourned the flowers. Grieved for the love that must have gone into choosing, planting and nurturing them all. She wondered if Jasper was responsible for their upkeep or if Audrey secretly had a gardening hobby. Shelby smiled at the idea of Audrey down on her knees in the soil, digging into the earth to make a home for each new flower. It’s not something she could have ever pictured before, but Audrey’s nurturing spirit revealed itself in many ways. Subtle, but ever present. As she pondered the intricacies of Audrey’s persona, the sound of a sliding glass door opening penetrated her thoughts.

 

“Are you trying to freeze to death?” Audrey chided, stepping out onto the deck wrapped in a thick shawl, two long stemmed wine glasses and a bottle of Chardonnay in hand.

 

Shelby raised an eyebrow as the older woman pulled up a chair next to her, handing her the bottle and setting the glasses on the table between them.

 

 “I like the cold. Reminds me I’m alive.” 

 

Murmuring “ _Americans_ ” under her breath, Audrey reached into her pocket, pulling out a butane lighter. After a minute or so, the addition of lighter fluid and some dry wood led to a healthy fire flickering within the fire pit. Warmth spread up Shelby’s legs quickly, a comforting blanket of heat enveloping her into submission.

 

“How about now?” Audrey teased.

 

Shelby grinned, silently conceding to the superiority of a crackling fire over a dormant pile of ashes. Folding her arms over her chest, she remembered Audrey’s previously crippling fear of fire after Roanoke. Now, as she calmly poured two glasses of wine and handed one to Shelby, the peace radiating from her body was palpable. Admirable.

 

Audrey felt her gaze, shyly brushing a stray lock of hair behind her ear. Shelby didn’t look away. The first couple sips of wine hit her empty stomach wonderfully, coaxing a buzz to flow to her brain with haste.

 

“So...I was thinking.”

 

“Careful now, don’t hurt yourself,” Audrey teased, grinning playfully.

 

Shelby rolled her eyes, taking another sip of wine before continuing.

 

“Maybe you should start small...getting back to work.”

 

Audrey wrinkled her brow. “Small?”

 

“Yeah, like, get back to your roots. Audition for some local plays. Get your feet wet again.”

 

Audrey cackled, “You’re joking.”

 

“Look, all I’m saying is, it could be good. Not for the long term obviously but just a way to flex those muscles again. Until something bigger comes along.”

 

Audrey sat quietly for a moment, contemplating whether or not she wanted to admit that Shelby might be right. Glancing over at the taller blonde, bright eyes mesmerizing in the firelight, a wave of gratitude washed over her. She couldn’t think of the last time she poured her heart out to someone and they actually listened. Cared enough to offer solutions.

 

“I guess...I could ask Gillian if there are any decent parts floating around.”

 

Shelby looked over at her, a pleased grin curling at the side of her mouth, deepening her dimples by the second.

 

Audrey caught her gaze. “But I swear to God, if I get typecast as a bloody _mother_ or anything of the sort you can forget it!”

 

Shelby nodded her head, raising her glass for an impromptu cheers. “Cheers to...starting over.”

 

Audrey laughed, clinking her glass to Shelby’s. “Cheers. I guess.”

 

Shelby bit her lip as her head nodded back, swimming in a mild haze. Audrey watched her, mindlessly licking her lips as her eyes scanned her neck, restraining herself from leaning over to suckle her throbbing pulse, tasting the salty skin that called to her. 

 

They were straddling the line between friendly roommates and forbidden lovers a little too well. She could almost hear the elephant in the room huffing with frustration in the background. Pursing her lips, she shoved those thoughts to the back of her mind and redirected.

 

“What about you? How’s your job search going?”

 

“Umm...well it’s not really. I just haven’t found anything that’s really stood out to me. I know it sounds picky but there’s just a certain...vibe I’m looking for. Anyone can open a Yoga studio. But very few genuinely respect the practice and its purpose.”

 

Audrey would have laughed if she didn’t somehow find Shelby’s passion so...sexy. Maybe it was the wine, but just hearing her speak with so much certainty was truly admirable. Even if Audrey didn’t get it, she respected her devotion and it seemed beneficial. Physically and otherwise.

 

“You know, my mum knows an older couple that runs a studio downtown. I’m sure she would put in _more than_ a good enough word for you. If you’re interested, I’ll see if she can get you an interview.”

 

“Really? Do you think it would be a good fit?”

 

“Wouldn’t hurt to try. Start small, remember?”

 

Shelby raised her eyebrows, nodding as if to say _touché_.

 

“Right. I’ll call my mother in the morning. Although, hell, she’d probably rather to talk to you.”

 

Shelby just smiled, blushing slightly. Audrey smirked back with a small laugh before finishing her wine, thinking through what suddenly felt different. The easy air between them, relaxed and reasonably uninhibited. The wine helped but it was something else. Someone.

 

Suarez. She was still inside.

 

“Shelby...have you noticed. Our babysitter is missing?”

 

“Oh, God,” Shelby giggled. “I guess she got tired of our boring asses.”

 

Audrey chuckled as she refilled their wine glasses. “Good riddance.”

 

“Wait…” Shelby set her glass down to search for her phone in her pocket. Scrolling through her emails, she found two unread messages from Will. Biting her thumbnail nervously, she scanned the email, searching for the words she hoped for.

 

“Well? What is it?”

 

Shelby blinked a few more times, making sure she read each sentence correctly. “Suarez is leaving Friday.”

 

“You’re kidding?”

 

“Apparently, my therapist found that she was more disruptive to my recovery than helpful.”

 

“Wow. You must’ve really had a go of her. I’m so proud.” Audrey grinned cheekily, raising her glass to mirror Shelby’s gesture earlier. “Cheers to...freedom.”

 

Shelby smiled and clinked their glasses together once more. _Freedom_. Was this freedom? Although Suarez would be gone soon, Shelby still had two months of guardianship. It still felt so strange to think of it that way. Audrey was her guardian. Did she see it that way? No matter how close they became, how vulnerable they were with each other, that unfortunate fact always seemed to rear its ugly head. 

 

At the same, Shelby’s mildly intoxicated brain called her on her bullshit. It was just a label. Audrey never acted like she had power over her. Never made her feel small or less than. Shelby rolled her head over to watch Audrey, to study her. The incandescence of the fire made her face glow beautifully, the thick shawl around her shoulders dwarfing her small frame as she watched the flames flicker. Shelby’s heart fluttered. 

 

Friday. They just had to get to Friday.

 

“So, do you think she’s given up then?” Audrey said with an almost suggestive tone, cutting through Shelby’s musings.

 

Shelby turned her head to look back into the house. “I don’t know...I wouldn’t put anything passed her. Her bedroom light is on. Knowing her, she’s already started packing,” Shelby chided with a small chuckle. 

 

Turning back to face Audrey, she found her gaze was already fixed upon her, with a look that never failed to take her breath away. Fire glimmered in her hooded eyes, a tantalizing mixture of need and desire swimming in her irises. Confusion danced across Shelby’s brow, but she could feel her body responding, breath catching in her throat, heat rising up her chest and neck as her nostrils flared.

 

They were alone. Suarez preoccupied.

 

Without a word, Shelby carefully placed her half empty wine glass on the table. Audrey followed suit, shrugging the shawl off of her shoulders gracefully. Shelby’s eyes never left hers, watching her glance back into the house once more, before moving to straddle her lap, hands resting on her strong shoulders. Every sound that chirped in the trees and skies faded into the night, a cosmic balance coming into play as they united. Hot breath escaped Shelby’s mouth as she exhaled slowly, body trembling as the stunning woman in her lap took her cheeks into her hands, pressing their lips together softly. The taste of white wine and peppermint served as a delicious combination, eliciting a low hum from Audrey’s throat as she stroked her thumbs over Shelby’s soft cheekbones. Melting into the taste of the honey-sweet lips that eluded her before, Shelby tilted her head, gently exchanging more kisses than she was sure Audrey set out to give. She didn’t want to push it, but the way Audrey let out small pants between each brief separation and collision of their lips drove her crazy. She knew it had to end soon, but couldn’t help but slide her hands over Audrey’s waist, slowly gliding them up to clutch her rib cage. 

 

Audrey could feel the electricity in her fingertips, the beautiful way in which Shelby showed her desire and affections with her hands. Strong but gentle. Methodical and somehow deeply aware of all of Audrey’s erogenous zones without her having to say a word. Now softly stroking her thumbs in circles upon Audrey’s stomach, Shelby could feel her breath hitch. Reluctantly breaking the kiss, Audrey ran her hand around the back of Shelby’s neck, pressing their foreheads together before whispering, “Until Friday.”

 

Pulling her in for one last nip of her bottom lip, Audrey quickly moved to stand. Glancing back into the house,  she gathered the bottle of wine and her glass, then walked back inside.

 

Shelby swallowed hard, running a hand over her cheek and up the side of her head. Friday couldn’t come soon enough.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're coming up on the heart of the story. This was just a short transitional chapter to tide you over while I churn out maybe the most difficult chapter yet, but I’m excited. Thanks for hanging in there with me, and of course, all of your sweet sweet feedback💓


	14. if you were my love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> companion song: If You Were My Love - Fleetwood Mac

“I don’t know how many times I have to tell you, Steve—that is your name isn’t it, _Steve_?”

 

“Yes, Miss Tindall, I’m sorry I just thought…”

 

“Well you thought _wrong_ now didn’t you? Tell me, Steve, do I look like an old hag to you?”

 

“I—I don’t…”

 

Audrey pounded the red button on her phone until the call ended. Pinching the bridge of her nose, she leaned back against the kitchen counter. Ever since she let Gillian know that she was looking to get back into the local theatre scene, she’d received nothing but calls for roles she found insulting.

 

Shelby winced, giving Audrey’s arm a light squeeze. Only a couple of days had passed since Audrey began seriously looking for a role, but Shelby had come to find that Audrey had somewhat of a “love/hate” relationship with casting directors lately.

 

“Hey, screw them. Something good will come along. You just have to give it time.”

 

Puffing out a breath of frustration, Audrey reached to clasp her hand but stopped herself as she noticed Officer Suarez enter the kitchen unannounced. Clearing her throat, she rolled her eyes and left the kitchen abruptly.

 

“What’s wrong with her?”

 

“Nothing she’s just...stressed,” Shelby responded flatly as she went to make a phone call on the back porch. Googling the number for the Young Vic Theatre, she nervously bit her fingernails as she made the call.

 

“Young Vic, this is Steve.”

 

Her voice cracked, “Hi, hello Steve. I was just...I wanted to call and apologize for Audrey—Audrey Tindall. You spoke on the phone earlier?”

 

After several seconds of silence he finally responded, “Well, I spoke. She _yelled_.”

 

“I—I know and I sincerely apologize. She’s not usually like this. She’s just under a lot of pressure, but she’s a kind person and a wonderful actress...as I’m sure you know.”

 

“Okay…”

 

“So if you could just...give her another chance. I promise it won’t happen again.”

 

Sighing loudly, Steve conceded, “I mean...I guess we can’t really ice out Audrey Tindall.”

 

“Thank you, _thank you_ Steve. Really, I appreciate it. She looks forward to your future calls. Just...if you wouldn’t mind? Skip over her name when it comes to mothers or...witches.”

 

“Fine, I’ll see what we can do. Who are you again? Her agent?”

 

“No I’m...just a friend.”

 

***

 

Unlocking the front door, Audrey fought to keep her eyes open long enough to turn the deadbolt and type in the alarm code. After Shelby’s phone call and a few favors called in by Gillian, Audrey got the part of Lady Dedlock in _Bleak House_ at the Young Vic Theatre. After much consideration—and talking it over with Shelby over several glasses of Merlot—she decided the unique circumstances of Mrs. Dedlock technically being a mother was enough for her to concede this one time. Rehearsals went on until 1am due to some late co-stars, and Audrey wouldn’t have minded much if Shelby didn’t have to get up so early for her shift at Battersea Yoga. Audrey smiled as she willed herself up the stairs. Of course Shelby got the job. Of course they loved her.

 

Turning the shower nozzle to it’s hottest setting, Audrey peeled her sweaty rehearsal clothes off and stepped into the steam heat with an audible hum vibrating from her lips. Streams of soothing water cascaded down her neck and back, slowly washing away the physical and mental stress of the last week. She stood lazily cleansing her body with soap suds, pondering through her and Shelby’s unfortunate conflicting schedules. Shelby worked the morning shift at the studio most days, while Audrey was going to be booked late each show night for the next six weeks at least. The thought sent a wave of anxiousness through brain. For every good thing that happened to them, it always seemed to come with an asterisk; a hidden clause that would keep them from exploring what they could be.

_What they could be?_

Audrey leaned back against the cool tile, asking herself what outcome she even expected. Logic would suggest the obvious. This could only end one way: fragile hearts broken. Maybe beyond repair this time. How could she live with herself if she caused Shelby more pain? Shivers scattered down her back, processing through every scenario in which she could deny her feelings and remain a properly functioning human being. Maybe the play would consume her; take up all of her time and energy so that when her mind inevitably drifted to the aching desire to be with Shelby, she’d have nothing left to give. Saving them both from venturing further into the dangerous depths of attachment and need. A swirling pit of temptation, luring them in like a Siren’s song, aching to lock them in beyond the point of no return.

 

The water began to run cold. Reeling herself back in from the turmoil running rampant in her mind, Audrey shut the shower off and stepped out to begin her nightly routine. Rose scented lotion, leave-in conditioner and £300 anti-wrinkle cream were tediously applied before she slipped into her silk pajamas and sat at the edge of her bed. Looking around the room, she became intimately aware of how quiet it was. With Suarez finally gone, an indescribable peace seemed to fill the house. She found it funny because, even though she was a pain in the ass, she rarely spoke a word. Her presence just felt like an uninvited guard dog, shedding all of its unwanted hair around, ready to bark at any sign of suspicious activity.

 

The bark never came though. At least, not to their knowledge. The idea of her secretly reporting anything that would harm Shelby’s chances of finally moving on made Audrey’s blood boil. She would fly to California in a heartbeat to give her a piece of her mind if she’d reported anything remotely negative. Shelby had come too far for something so arbitrary to seal her fate. 

 

As she leaned over to switch off the lamp on her bedside table, Audrey hesitated. Suarez’s final Friday had come and gone and their only interaction was Shelby bidding her good luck as she left for therapy that morning. What was supposed to be their first week of freedom turned out to be the busiest they’d had in a while. Audrey looked over at her bedroom door, and before she knew it she was quietly slipping into Shelby’s bedroom, unsure of any game plan or expectations. She just knew she wanted to see her. The days were bleeding into the nights and the tension of missing her had finally reached its breaking point.

 

Inching closer to the bed, she could see the slow rise and fall of Shelby’s shoulder as she lay on her side beneath the down comforter Audrey’s mother gifted her for Christmas last year. The room was dimly lit, with one wall softly illuminated by what looked like a night light plugged into an outlet. Audrey didn’t remember putting that in the room, and came to realize Shelby must have brought it with her. If it were any other person, Audrey would have laughed at such a silly thing. But knowing what she’d been through, the horrors that came with the darkness, the night light was more than understandable. Audrey’s stomach turned thinking about the demons that probably still haunted Shelby’s psyche. She knew them all too well herself. 

 

Tiptoeing across the room to the bed, Audrey slowly climbed in next to her, sinking into the silk sheets as she rested her head on the cool pillow. Her initial intent was not to wake her. She knew she had to be up early, but the warmth radiating from her body coupled with the adorable soft breathing coming from her nose was too much to resist. It felt selfish, but the idea of being this close and not touching her even for a moment seemed like an impossible feat at this point. Scooting closer, Audrey snaked her hand up Shelby’s side and around to rest on her stomach. Despite the cool temperature, all Shelby wore was a thin camisole and cotton shorts.

 

Audrey could feel her toned stomach expand and contract as she breathed, fingers brushing over her tiny hoop piercing. Despite her best efforts, willfully attempting to restrain herself, she placed a feather-light kiss on her shoulder, lingering for much longer than she intended. Her warm skin was deliciously soft, hints of lavender and mint drifting from her pulse points to delight Audrey’s senses as she inhaled. It was divine and euphoric, holding her close after what felt like so long; her living, breathing body next to hers after so many nights of longing, lying in her massive bed all alone.

 

 But it wasn’t just the feeling of being alone. Not just anyone could fill the void in her bed—or in her heart—the way Shelby had come to. The idea made her feel guilty and enlightened all at once. Guilt due to how quickly she seemed to forget Rory when Shelby was around, how she consumed her like a lone speck of stardust swept into a supernova. Enlightened to the undeniable fact that her feelings were now bubbling to the surface, no longer able to be stuffed back down into the lock box of her damaged soul. 

 

A raspy whisper finally pierced her thoughts. “Hey…” 

 

“Hi.” Audrey smiled, utterly smitten by Shelby’s sleepy voice. “I’m—sorry to wake you I just...wanted to see you before you had to leave at the crack of dawn.”

 

Shelby chuckled lazily, still blinking the sleep from her eyes. “Yeah, unfortunately that's prime time. People getting a session in before work typically. Plus, Dan and Liz wanted to meet with me beforehand to go over some things.” Turning around to face Audrey, allowing her arm to stay draped across her waist, Shelby found her eyes in the darkness. “How was rehearsal? They kept you pretty late, huh?”

 

“Yeah there were some inconsiderate assholes that were late but, you’ll be happy to know, I bit my tongue...mostly.”

 

“Man, I’m so proud,” Shelby laughed, stifling a yawn. 

 

“Gosh, now I’m the asshole. Go back to sleep. You have to be up in just a few hours and here I am talking your ear off…”

 

“No it’s...I’m glad you came. I’ve missed you...this.”

 

Audrey swallowed hard, the impulses she promised herself she would control when she decided to climb into this bed were suddenly bursting at her seams, clawing to express themselves. The words falling from Shelby’s lips came with depth, a profound statement of pining that was more than reciprocated. Holding back was something Audrey was so intimately acquainted with, but the vulnerability in Shelby’s words cut through her force field of self-preservation like a finely sharpened knife.

 

“What um, time do you get off tomorrow,” Audrey said distractedly as Shelby’s fingertips gently tucked a rogue strand of short hair behind her ear.

 

“Five,” Shelby whispered, letting her fingers wander down Audrey’s neck to graze her collarbone, sending chills across her chest.

 

Audrey closed her eyes, desperately trying to hold it together. “Would you want to…”

 

“Yes”, Shelby interrupted as she began to slowly unbutton Audrey’s pajama top, no longer focused on the conversation at hand.

 

Chest beginning to heave, Audrey halfheartedly responded, “You don’t even know what I was going to say.”

 

“Will you be there?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Then I’ll be there.”

 

Audrey smiled with hooded eyes. “Well, alright I’ll—”

 

“Audrey, your accent is sexy as hell, but could you please…” 

 

_Kiss._

 

“Stop…”

 

_Kiss._

 

“...Talking.”

 

Exhaling dreamily into her lips, Audrey nodded, helping her unfasten the last button of her shirt. Then Shelby’s mouth was on her, lapping her warm tongue over a pert nipple, tasting it like an everlasting gum drop of her favorite flavor. Audrey’s head sank into her pillow, tiny gasps escaping her mouth as her fingers tangled into Shelby’s silky waves. Eventually moving to pay Audrey’s other side the same attention, Shelby slowly ran a hand below her pajama top, revealing a plump, untouched breast. Holding it between her thumb and forefinger, she kissed a small freckle just below her nipple, before taking it into her mouth, sucking firmly with her teeth. Audrey hissed, euphorically aroused by the pleasure in the pain. Shelby smiled, using her tongue and lips to soothe the red mark on the underside of her breast. Then she moved back to tasting her pebbled nipple, faithfully savoring it with the same reverence she’d given the other. 

 

The dim lighting gave Audrey a spectacular view of Shelby’s mouth moving over her, so methodical and attentive. Her hips began to undulate into the mattress, arousal rising with each flick of Shelby’s tongue. Leaning up slightly, she ran one hand down Shelby’s back to grab the hem of her shirt and pull it over her head. Shelby lifted her arms to help discard the garment, eagerly returning to take Audrey’s bottom lip into her mouth. Clawing at her shoulder blades, Audrey wrapped her legs around Shelby’s waist as she pulled her closer, sealing their naked torsos together at last. Shelby’s breathing began to stagger, hovering over Audrey as she teased her mouth over hers. As Audrey leaned up to chase her lips, Shelby smiled with sheer delight before she finally kissed her fiercely, tilting her head for better access. Audrey exhaled all of the air in her lungs through her nose, as Shelby’s exquisitely talented tongue explored her mouth, coaxing and tasting through small whimpers of pleasure. Audrey’s hands trailed down the rippled terrain of Shelby’s back; so beautifully soft and strong and warm. She felt undefinably safe with her. Like any force that might wedge itself between them would face her wrath. It was a much different Shelby than she knew before, and as heartbreaking as she knew the past two years had been for her, it seemed to have constructed a deeply capable human being. Deeply capable of putting herself back together again, overcoming the mental and emotional toll of loss and tragedy, rekindling the fire of passion that threatened to never return after what love did to her heart. 

 

Audrey slowed her movements, pulling away to find Shelby’s eyes in the warm light of the room. There she was, staring back at her with those piercing blue eyes that could launch a thousand ships, licking her lips with desire laced with the smallest hint of insecurity as Audrey took her in. Then her expression suddenly changed.

 

“Are you okay?,” Shelby whispered, wiping a lone tear that fell from the outer corner of Audrey’s eye.

 

“What?”, Audrey asked quizzically, bringing her hand up to feel the remnants of moisture that had apparently escaped without consent. “I’m...fine, yes. I’m sorry, I don’t know—I’m not sad. I promise.” She stifled a small chuckle, but failed to mask the emotional expression that lingered across her features.

 

Shelby wanted to probe, but couldn’t bring herself to sever the tender moment. Audrey had a tendency to shut down when things got too real or when emotions surfaced that were too much for her to process. Like a beautiful doe hiding in a lush forest, she grew skittish when she sensed that she could be seen. So in order to avoid unraveling their progress, Shelby simply brought her hand up to cup Audrey’s face, rubbing her thumb soothingly over her temple. Audrey’s eyes fluttered shut, as another small tear fell from her eye against her will. Sighing in frustration, she apologized, “God, I’m sorry. This is so silly…”

 

Shelby shook her head, catching the tear with her thumb again. “Apologies are for the birds, remember?”

 

Audrey opened her eyes, exhaling a light laugh. Shelby looked at her like she’d just successfully unlocked a chest of ancient buried treasure. Audrey could see it in her eyes. That unadulterated adoration swimming in her irises. The same look that sent her running before, fearing the implications of something deeper. Something inherently more significant than what either of them had the courage to express verbally. The idea was still terrifying; the possibility of another crushing loss always lingering in the dark recesses of her mind, threatening to come to fruition and leave her heartbroken and alone again. But despite the likelihood of getting burned, nothing made her feel more alive than dancing in the flames with Shelby; daring fate to rain down on their bliss, disregarding the universe’s twisted tendency to ruin any and all chances of lasting happiness they may hope to find.

 

“Shelby Miller...you are a dream.”

 

Eyebrows lifting, Shelby sat up to straddle her hips before leaning down and kissing her slowly. Several minutes passed before Audrey began to pull at the waistband of Shelby’s shorts, feeling the heat of her arousal reignite between her legs. Shelby smiled, grazing her teeth over Audrey’s lips as she used one hand to move all of her hair to one shoulder. Sitting up slowly without breaking the kiss, Audrey trailed her hand down Shelby’s washboard abs and slid her middle finger through her wet slit. Shelby’s head fell back as she gripped Audrey’s shoulders, rolling her hips into her hand. Using her other hand to grab her ass, Audrey encouraged her movements, then dipped her head to take one of Shelby’s taut nipples into her mouth, biting down firmly. Shelby leaned her head forward again to watch, digging her fingernails deeper into Audrey’s shoulders as she worked her tongue over to the other breast, continuing to drag two fingers lightly through her folds. Shelby pulled her close by the back of her neck, leaning in to nip her earlobe, hot breath sending a new wave of arousal coursing through her body.

 

“Audrey...please, fuck me.”

 

Audrey could now feel her own arousal soaking through her pajama bottoms, Shelby’s tantalizing words vibrating through her ear canal as she dipped two fingers inside of her and began pumping into her as requested. Because who was she to ever deny Shelby anything at this point? Shelby moaned deeply as she undulated her hips to meet each of Audrey’s thrusts, eyes rolling to the back of her head as she felt her peak approaching quickly. Without warning she trailed her hand down into Audrey’s hot pool of arousal and began to stroke her clit in firm circles. Audrey squeezed her eyes shut as she let out a guttural moan, mouth agape as she looked up at Shelby like she was fucking Aphrodite herself, glowing with unbridled sexual energy. 

 

Shelby wrapped her free arm around Audrey’s neck and pressed their cheeks together as she whispered, “Come with me.”

 

Audrey gasped as she moved her thumb to circle over Shelby’s clit, eliciting her climax seconds later followed by her own. Screams of pleasure echoed through the room as both women held each other through their orgasms. Shelby continued to move her hips until her walls squeezed so tightly Audrey had to remove her fingers but continued to stroke her clit until Shelby began to flinch at the sensitivity. Shelby rested her head on Audrey’s shoulder, as silence filled the room aside from their labored breathing. Wrapping her arm around Shelby’s waist, Audrey leaned back and pulled Shelby to lay down on top of her. Shelby giggled as her head landed on Audrey’s still heaving chest. She thought of a million words she wanted to say. So many terms of endearment, post-coital confessions, but she bit her tongue. _Not now. Another time._

 

Sighing dreamily, Shelby reached down to grab Audrey’s wrist, tentatively looking up at her for a second before slowly kissing each finger that was just inside her.

 

“Jesus Christ…”, Audrey exhaled as she watched.

 

Shelby smiled back innocently, before laying her head back down on Audrey’s chest and falling asleep to the soft rhythm of her heartbeat.

 

***

 

“Shelby! There you are! Over here, darling!”

 

Audrey’s mother waved her arms in the air above the crowd waiting outside the Young Vic Theatre. Shelby waved back, signaling that she’d seen her and weaved her way through the bustling crowd to reach her. It was a chilly night in London, brisk air nipping at her ears each time the wind picked up, causing her to pull her borrowed wool scarf up around her face as she walked down the sidewalk. After much deliberation, she wore a long white cardigan, a black t-shirt tucked into her tight jeans cuffed at the ankle and suede ankle boots. It was the opening night of Audrey’s play and she felt an odd degree of nervousness. Mostly for Audrey but some for herself, too. She couldn’t explain it. Maybe it was that Audrey was starring in a major role of a renowned play because of a suggestion from Shelby that she took to heart. Or perhaps it was the way she felt their relationship had shifted since she’d last seen her mother. Either way, she wasn’t going to let this night be about anything but Audrey and the moment she’d worked so hard for.

 

“Hey Margaret, sorry I’m late. I gravely underestimated London traffic.”

 

“Nonsense love, you’re right on time. Oh and  I _love_ your scarf. Audrey’s got one just like it.” Shelby just smiled and nodded, not wanting to mention that she’d snagged it from Audrey’s closet. Partly because she didn’t pack a scarf. Mostly because she loved the smell of Audrey’s subtle perfume wrapped around her neck.

 

“Trish, Luke, you remember Audrey’s friend Shelby?”

 

“Oh! Hi, I’m sorry—yes! How are you? Is my sister not just the worst person to live with?”

 

Trish’s husband Luke just shook his head and extended his hand to introduce himself. “Ignore her. I’m Luke.” He then glanced down at his watch and back to the now moving crowd. “Looks like we should start heading in.”

 

“Right, here we go,” Margaret said as she linked her arm with Shelby’s and escorted her into the theatre. As they found their seats, Shelby looked around to see nearly every seat in the house was filled. Smiling to herself, she turned her head to find that Margaret was watching her.

 

“What’s that smile for? See someone you know?”

 

“Oh I—no I was just...it’s a packed house.”

 

“Oh my god, _I know,_ Audrey wouldn’t say this but big crowds make her nervous. That’s why she has us in the front row. So she sees some familiar faces.”

 

Shelby nodded, biting her bottom lip. _Was she one of Audrey’s familiar faces?_

 

Before she could ponder further, the lights went down and introductory music began to fill the room from all sides.

 

***

 

After the last line was spoken, the crowd roared with applause, granting the cast a coveted standing ovation as they all came onstage and joined hands to take a bow. Audrey was covered in fake snow and white makeup as she grinned from ear to ear, glancing over at her family and winking before they all went to bow again. Shelby beamed right back at her, overjoyed at how well everything had gone and how comfortable Audrey looked onstage.

 

As the curtain drew and people began to filter out of the theatre, Margaret grabbed Shelby’s hand, “Come on, let’s go pop by and see her in her dressing room before Trish and Luke have to get back home to their children.”

 

Shelby agreed shyly, unsure if Audrey would be comfortable with her accompanying her family backstage. Either way, Margaret already had a tight grip on her hand as she pulled her along. When they finally made their way through the maze of set pieces and light fixtures, they approached a door that clearly read _Audrey Tindall_ across the front.

 

“Oh, fancy,” Trish said with a giggle, elbowing Shelby in the stomach. Shelby smiled. She’d come to find Audrey’s family surprisingly fun to be around.

 

Knocking on the door, Margaret yelled, “Audrey darling? It’s your mum. Can we come in?”

 

“Yeah, Come in!”

 

Audrey’s dressing room was small but cozy. Red roses, fur blankets and white candles gave the space a calming smell and much softer lighting than the fluorescent bulbs in the ceiling would have created.

 

“Hi!”, Audrey greeted as they filed into the small room. “Sorry, I was just washing up. This bloody makeup is the _worst_ but, that’s the theatre I guess.” Chuckling at herself, she ran a comb through her previously wig-capped hair before she turned around to finally look at everyone. She didn’t expect Shelby to be there, but their eyes met immediately, small smiles spreading across their lips like they shared a secret no one else knew.

 

Clearing her throat, Audrey diverted her attention to her mother. “So, what did you think? Did it live up to one of your _favorite_ Dickens novels mum?”

 

“Audrey it was absolutely wonderful, truly. And you—you really outdid yourself my love. It’s probably my favorite thing you’ve ever done. Oh—no offense, Shelby.”

 

Shelby wrinkled her brow until she realized what she was talking about, then laughed, “Oh no, Mrs. Tindall. I agree. I haven’t seen much of her work, but it’s probably my favorite, too.”

 

Audrey blushed, biting her lip as she looked down at her feet, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

 

“Well...thank you. All of you, really, thanks for coming.”

 

“Of course! I couldn’t miss my big shot sister’s return to the small stage!,” Trish said as she went to wrap Audrey in a playful bear hug.

 

“Oh, fuck off,” Audrey replied as she rolled her eyes and hugged her back. 

 

“I’m joking, you did wonderful. I’m probably going to come back for the matinee on Thursday with Gillian. She sends her regards, by the way.”

 

“Oh it’s fine. Her mother has been ill. But she sent these lovely roses…”

 

Shelby ears grew hot. _Gillian_. Gillian was supposed to be the fourth person. Of course she was. That made much more sense than the silly fantasy she’d conjured up in her head.

 

Audrey noticed Shelby’s body language change as she crossed her arms across her chest and bore her toe into the ground. She tried to find her eyes but she wouldn’t look up.

 

Margaret’s voice interjected,“Oh those are beautiful. Sweet Gillian. She’s like family. Send her my love.”

 

Shelby’s throat felt like it was closing in. She felt stupid. Stupid for believing she meant more to Audrey. Stupid to suddenly feel jealous of Gillian even though so many things—including Gillian herself—told her she and Audrey were no longer romatically involved. Despite all of those rational things, she still felt a small chip emerging on her shoulder.

 

“I will,” Audrey said blankly, still distracted by the expression on Shelby’s face.

 

“Well, mum, Trish and Luke, I’m exhausted and I’ve still got to get dressed…”

 

“Oh dear, of course yes! We were just heading out.” Margaret went to give Audrey one last hug and a kiss, followed by Trish and Luke before she turned to leave.

 

“Come on Shelby…”

 

Audrey piped up,“Um actually mum, Shelby’s going to stay. So we can ride together...same house and all that.”

 

“Right, of course. Well, it was so good to see you Shelby. Take care!”

 

“You too, Mrs. Tindall…”

 

When the door finally closed behind them, silence filled the tiny dressing room. Shelby stood with her arms still crossed, willing her throat to finally loosen so she could talk when she was inevitably asked to speak.

 

“Is everything alright?” Audrey asked as she stood to walk towards her.

 

Shelby was tempted to be short, but reminded herself that Audrey hadn’t really, truly done anything wrong. “Yeah...I’m sorry. You really did amazing. Thanks for inviting me.”

 

“Of course...it was awfully comforting to see you in the front row when I was about to lose my shit.”

 

Shelby looked up, “Really?” _Are you sure you wouldn’t have preferred Gillian?_ is what she wanted to say, but she’d like to think Audrey earned a little more credit than that by now. 

 

Audrey crossed the room to stand in front of her now, eyes wrought with concern. “Yes, really. What would have you think otherwise?”

 

“Nothing. I’m sorry…”

 

“There’s that word I hate so much,” Audrey teased.

 

Shelby found herself softening as Audrey continued to close the gap between them, unable to resist her charming grin. 

 

“Nice scarf by the way.”

 

Shelby’s bottom lip retreated into her mouth as a soft blush blanketed her cheeks.

 

Audrey laughed as she tugged at the scarf, pulling her down to graze her lips, “Don’t worry, it looks better on you anyway.” 

 

Then she kissed her chastely, turning around to finish getting ready. But before she could escape her grasp, Shelby caught her hand, gently pulling her back into her embrace. Their height difference was now nearly six inches as Shelby stood in boots, looking down at Audrey in her bare feet. She seemed so small, so delicate.

 

“Would you like to go to...a really late dinner with me?”

 

“I’d love nothing more.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no really it’s gonna come full circle i: promise


	15. crowded places

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> song: Crowded Places - BANKS

The chill in the air nipped at their noses and fingertips as they made their way down the sparse sidewalk outside the theatre. A gentle mist had fallen over the streets during the show, reflecting the amber glow of city lights, amplifying the sound of cars as they whirred passed them, seemingly in a hurry just to brake seconds later in the traffic. After taking the back exit (because Audrey anticipated rabid fans and journalists and was just “too exhausted from leaving it all on the stage”), they journeyed a couple of blocks in hopes of finding the nearest open establishment. 

 

Once again, Audrey was slightly more prepared for the weather than Shelby, bundled in a Houndstooth peacoat and a small knit hat that seemed to be more of a fashion statement than anything else, only covering the crown of her head as her bangs tossed freely in the wind. As they walked, they stayed close, sharing morsels of body heat but nothing too substantial. Nothing that would reveal to average onlookers that they shared a bed on a semi-regular basis. Stopping at an intersection, Audrey noticed Shelby’s hollow stature, clasping her bare hands together in front of her face, huffing hot air into the small cave she’d created with her palms. Audrey’s lips curled up with endearment, as she reached up to envelope her icy hands into the warm cocoon of her cashmere gloves. Shelby’s startled eyes met dark velvet irises, as she watched Audrey bring their joined hands up to her mouth to aid in her attempt to provide heat from hot breath. Her nose brushed over her cold knuckles, maintaining the sort of eye contact one would give when trying to convey a secret, something too scandalous to say out loud surrounded by strangers.

 

Shelby could feel warmth spreading across her cheeks as her breath caught in her throat, wondering how the hell Audrey managed to make the simplest actions feel so intimate; like they were the only ones standing at the edge of a crosswalk in the heart of a bustling city, having a conversation in a language only they knew. Her eyes told a story of one riddled with coded words and it would be really fucking frustrating if it didn’t make Shelby feel like that magical tale might be for her and her alone. Before she could internally laugh at her own naïveté, the tiny walking man glowed across the street, prompting them that the crosswalk was now safe. 

 

Shelby gave a sheepish smile as she turned to start walking, attempting to pull her hands away so she could manage to put one foot in front of the other without the tempting distraction. Audrey followed suit, but kept both of her hands tightly tangled with Shelby’s right hand, burrowing her chapped nose into her arm. Shelby could feel her heart contorting in her chest, responding to the grip Audrey continued to hold over her despite her futile attempts to reconstruct its walls. Shoving her unattended left hand into the pocket of her jeans, she sighed under her breath, hoping maybe food would stop the relentless fluttering in her stomach.

 

***

 

After a couple of blocks, they found their way into a small but lively restaurant, filled with an eclectic mix of young and seasoned patrons looking for a good time on a Saturday night. Audrey managed to sweet talk the host into getting them a table in the back without an otherwise required reservation. Shelby couldn’t make out the entire conversation, but just one look at the brilliant smile across Audrey’s face and the convincing laughter she evoked with a hand on the young man’s shoulder, there was no question as to why he was putty in her hands.

 

As they made their way back to their table, Shelby couldn’t help but notice how many of the eyes in the room were drawn to Audrey. She was well known in this town, more so than Shelby, and that was a refreshing change compared to every time she went out in L.A. No matter who she was with, the attention was always on her. Badgering questions, photo requests, vile threats and hurtful words. She hated the fame—or infamy, depending on who you were talking to—that came with the show. Yet, Audrey obviously thrived off of the attention, and Shelby couldn’t decide if that made her narcissistic or insecure. _Maybe a little bit of both._ But, if she were indulging in self-reflection, she’d come to find those characteristics within herself, just manifested in different ways. 

 

Like the way she secretly loved the attention she received from men, even if she wasn’t the least bit interested in the vast majority of the male population. Or how she hasn’t genuinely felt worthy of love since Matt. Because of what she did, but more so because he left her; stopped loving her so easily, like she was never anything special or worth fighting for. She knew she made glaring mistakes in their marriage, but she never stopped desperately trying to get back what they had. Grasping at the illusion of their reconciliation being the cure to the infestation of worthlessness that continued to seep into her soul, scraping out the good person she thought she was and replacing it with a self-absorbed, walking bruise of a human being. 

 

So, no matter how much Audrey seemed to crave notoriety and recognition, at least she seemed to be able to maintain her identity. Shelby still didn’t know who she was or where she belonged. She felt like a jagged piece of a jigsaw puzzle that people were attempting to shove into the wrong places, wearing away at her edges, breaking off the fragile composition of what once defined her. 

 

It wasn’t until the last month or so, working at the yoga studio, and feeling like Audrey actually enjoyed having her around, that maybe she was finally where she was supposed to be. Until the insecurity demon seductively whispered into her ear that it was all temporary. An illusion of belonging that was destined to dissolve the minute Audrey could be free of her. She’d be delusional to believe anything else. 

 

 

Audrey had ordered their oldest bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and signed a napkin for the timid waiter, who was apparently a fan, before she finally noticed Shelby’s detachment. 

 

“Are you okay with Cab? I just felt like something bold and dry but…”

 

“Yes, it’s fine.” Shelby responded flatly as she studied the menu. 

 

“Alright…” Audrey responded tentatively. She could tell by the way Shelby held the corner of her lip between her teeth, brows knitted together tightly, that something was on her mind. “Penny for your thoughts?”

 

Reluctantly tearing her stare away from her leatherbound menu Shelby looked up, meeting Audrey’s inquisitive gaze. Her mind was swarming with plenty of thoughts, but none of which she was willing to unleash on Audrey. At least, not stone cold sober. So she redirected, maintaining a believable degree of nonchalance as if she weren’t unravelling internally. Small victories.

 

  
“I um...was just thinking about how much I loved the play,” she said with a crooked smile, sitting up straight to communicate engagement even though she was so far from caring about the play right now.

 

Audrey perked up, completely falling for Shelby’s plan to focus the conversation on her. A twinkle emerged in her pupils as she began to ramble about how invigorating it was to be back onstage, the energy she felt from the crowd and how she thinks she might want to start her own theatre company someday. When the bottle of wine finally arrived, Shelby made sure to pour them both a generous serving as she let Audrey continue to talk excitedly about her hopes and dreams for the future. Shelby was relieved that the air of the conversation continued to stay light, asking Audrey leading questions to get her to continue talking about anything but what was eating away at her mind. The cold truth she couldn’t get away from: that Audrey’s life was going to be so much better without her. Her spark was back, and her aspirations were lofty. _As they should be_.

 

 Yes, soon enough, Shelby would be out of her hair, no longer anchoring her down to some mediocre version of her otherwise big and vibrant life; serving as a constant reminder of the most devastating days she’d ever experienced. No longer obligated to write up mundane reports, drag her along to family gatherings, give her attention when she could be out chasing her dreams and settling down with someone that could take care of her. Be enough for her. Audrey was the kind of woman that became bored easily, needing a new and exciting venture to tackle, one after the other to keep her busy. She was built for a fast-paced life, and that just wasn’t something Shelby felt she could offer. She realized that now. She’d only been holding her back.

 

Thankfully the wine helped to dull the rough edges of the thoughts bouncing around in her head, hoping to break through her skull and land in the bread basket for Audrey to look upon in horror. Nothing good could come from releasing them now. At least that’s what she’d convinced herself as her libation burned her throat and warmed her cheeks. _No, not tonight. Maybe tomorrow._

 

As their dinner came and went, everything remained light, much to Shelby’s relief. Until Audrey sought her eyes, leaning forward to refill her glass with the final ounces of burgundy liquid left in the bottle. Shelby was preoccupied, observing all the lively people enjoying each other’s company, screaming at one another across their tables because alcohol seemed to increase one’s need to become louder. Smirking into her wine glass, Shelby finally turned her head to find Audrey examining her, face brilliantly lit by two candles that flickered frantically on the table between them. Shelby swallowed slowly, before taking another large sip of her wine. Audrey’s classic beauty never failed to steal the air from her lungs, like an exquisite painting she’d seen a hundred times, with each new glance invoking a fresh array of awe and reverence.

 

“You must think I’m the most self-absorbed woman on Earth.”

 

Shelby sat her glass down slowly as she shook her head. “No, not at all. I mean...I could see how people might think that but...I know you’re just passionate about your craft.”

 

Audrey’s eyebrows shot up to her hairline. “My _craft_. Yes, that’s a very eloquent way of describing a very shallow, narcissistic industry.”

 

Shelby shrugged her shoulders, biting back a chuckle as she hid her face behind another sip of wine. Even though she didn’t really know Audrey before Roanoke, she would venture to say that the experience seemed to have led to her becoming more self-aware. Which is probably why they could so easily hold a conversation now, as opposed to Shelby wanting to punch her lights out every time she opened her mouth. Where trauma may have had a hardening effect on Shelby, it manifested differently with Audrey; softening her edges, allowing her to regard herself more honestly.

 

“It’s fine. You don’t have to say it. I know,” Audrey said lightheartedly.  “So enough about me. How about you? How’s work?”

 

“”Um, well—”

 

“Your check, Miss Tindall,” the waiter said as he set the check down, cutting Shelby off.

 

“Oh, I’ve got this,” Shelby said as she pulled out her card and slid it into the book before handing it back to him.

 

“Shelby no, I can at least pay for the…”

 

“No, I...I got it. Really. Don’t worry about it.” Shelby planned to pay for dinner all along, and even though she didn’t anticipate the price of the wine, she was willing to spend what turned out to be nearly her entire paycheck just to be able to treat Audrey for once. 

 

Audrey smiled warmly, reaching her hand across the white tablecloth to squeeze Shelby’s hand. “Thank you...you’re so sweet.”

 

Pursing her lips into a tight smile, Shelby looked down at their hands, feeling the electricity that pulsed through Audrey’s fingertips and into her bloodstream. The room around them seemed to fall silent when they locked eyes again, finding themselves lost in each other’s gaze like the world around them was a dull grayscale in comparison. Shelby could feel her chest aching, heart thumping inside the cage in which it was trapped, begging to just live on her sleeve and let Audrey know all of its inner workings. 

 

Then Shelby pulled her hand away, as the waiter returned with her debit card. Audrey retracted her hand slowly, blinking rapidly like someone had just snapped their fingers in front of her face to pull her out of hypnosis. Clearing her throat, she shifted in her seat, trying to make sense of the subtle but glaringly present awkwardness that seemed to float between them all night.

 

“Um, would you want to go somewhere else? Maybe a little more quiet?”

 

“I have to open the studio in the morning…”

 

“Right…”

 

Shelby winced as Audrey’s face fell, immediately hating herself for the blunt response. But she was truly convinced she couldn’t take much more of this. Acting like they were just two people, doing what normal people do; dating, nurturing a budding romance with the hope and promise of a beautiful future together. But they weren’t normal. Nothing about this was normal. The best thing she figured she could do was to stop kidding herself and let Audrey go. Let her find her normal, so that when Shelby left it wouldn’t cause more destruction than she was worth. 

 

***

 

As they waited outside for their cab, Shelby hugged herself through the frigid wind. Her hair blew in every direction, slapping Audrey in the face as she walked up behind her.

 

“Sorry…” she murmured, as if it were her fault the wind decided to use her hair as a weapon just to amplify the pain she’d already inflicted upon Audrey.

 

Audrey simply gave a forced smile as she adjusted her hat and folded her arms, staring down at her feet as she approached the curb. Blankets of fog covered the wet streets, swirling at their ankles as cars passed them by. Time seemed to move like molasses, each second more tortuous than the next as they stood in the tension of their unspoken rift. Audrey was deeply confused, but too exhausted to press. Everything seemed so good between them up until then, at least from her perspective, but that single-mindedness proved to be her downfall in past relationships. All she’d talked about for the majority of the night was herself. Her career. Her aspirations. Of course Shelby felt unseen.

 

When the car finally arrived, Shelby gestured for Audrey to slide in first, before she got in and closed the door behind her. Audrey gave the address and they were headed home with only the light murmur of classic rock playing over the radio. Shelby fiddled with the fringes of her scarf as she second guessed everything in her head. Surely this wasn’t meant to feel so oppressive; this was supposed to be the good, mature thing to do. So why did it feel so goddamn harrowing?

 

Finally tearing her eyes away from her hands to glance over at Audrey, she found her staring out the window, shoulders squared away from her so much that she could barely see her flushed cheek. _Fuck_. She couldn’t let the night end this way. 

 

“Hey, sir? Do you know of any clubs around here? Nothing too seedy just...somewhere people go to dance?”

 

Audrey’s mouth fell open as she watched the driver reply “yes, ma’am”, before turning to look at Shelby with the most bewildered look on her face. 

 

“Dancing?”

 

Shelby took in a deep breath then exhaled, “Yes. If...you’re still wanting to go somewhere else.”

 

“But you have to…”

 

“I can live without sleep for one night.”

 

Audrey opened her mouth to protest before closing it quickly, sealing it with a grin that lit up her entire face like a Christmas tree. Spontaneity was never something she particularly enjoyed (everytime Rory would plan a spur of the moment trip she’d end up on a filthy beach somewhere with a splitting headache) but the idea of going out dancing with Shelby at nearly one in the morning had her buzzing with anticipation.  

 

Shelby smiled bashfully as she turned to look out the window, trying to keep a casual attitude as she bit her bottom lip with nervousness. She had no idea what she was doing but she was suddenly determined to show Audrey a good time—maybe after a shot or two of liquor—to distract them from reality for just a little while. All of the complicated bullshit that tugged at them could wait until tomorrow. She knew it needed to be addressed sooner than later, but tonight, they were just two people in need of one glimmering moment of blissful abandon.

 

As they pulled up to the establishment their cab driver chose for them, Audrey immediately felt a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. The line outside was peppered with young couples in their twenties, seemingly plucked from the centerfold of a fashion magazine and dropped in front of London’s newest social club.

 

With a hesitant gulp, Audrey tugged on Shelby’s sleeve, “Maybe we should go somewhere else…”

 

Shelby looked over to catch her gaze. “Come on, it’ll be fun. Besides, you’re prettier than all of those girls combined.”

 

Before Audrey could respond, Shelby was coaxing her out of the cab, gently escorting her to the back of the line. 

 

“This is insane! We’re going to be here all night. Can’t we just…”

 

“Hey,” Shelby said as she reached to tilt Audrey’s face toward hers with her cold fingers. “Do you trust me?”

 

“I...yes.” 

 

Audrey did trust Shelby. Even though Shelby didn’t have the first clue about what to expect from this place, something about her newfound confidence had Audrey practically eating out of the palm of her hand. Shelby wore a coy grin, like she harbored a secret she wanted so badly to share.

 

“What?” Audrey said, poking her in the ribs.

 

Shelby just continued to smile, watching a tall man approach them from beyond the rope.

 

“Excuse me, ma’am?”

 

Audrey whipped around, replying impatiently, “Me? Yes, how can I help you?” She shot Shelby an eye roll before turning back to him.

 

“Are you...Audrey Tindall? From...TV?”

 

“Oh—why yes, I guess I am.” Audrey looked over at Shelby as if to say _this is awkward_ , but continued to humor the man. “Would you like an autograph or?”

 

“No ma’am, I was just instructed to let you skip the line, if you want. Celebrities are like crack for these club owners.”

 

Audrey’s ego swelled against her best efforts as she giggled. “Well, I don’t know about _celebrity_ but I’ll take you up on the offer. Can my friend come, too?”

 

***

 

Making their way inside, they couldn’t help but snicker to themselves as those still waiting in line shot them daggers dipped in jealousy. Shelby had a gut feeling that one of the bouncers would catch a glimpse of Audrey—because she never went anywhere without commanding attention, intentionally or not—and that it wouldn’t be long until they invited her in. It was a long shot, but Audrey always seemed to be worth betting on.

 

As Audrey removed her hat and jacket, Shelby followed suit by shedding her scarf and sweater to give the man checking coats, before grabbing Audrey’s hand and leading her to the bar. After a shot of Fireball whiskey, every synapse in Audrey’s brain was ablaze as they weaved their way through the crowd, hand firmly clasped in Shelby’s like a familiar life preserver in a sea of strangers. She could feel the electronic music pulsing through the speakers, vibrating her teeth as she tilted her head back to bask in the light show flickering across the ceiling. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been in a place like this; sweaty people bumping into her, sloshing their drinks onto her Louis Vuittons. Typically, this would result in an old fashioned ass chewing, but before she could bring herself to care, Shelby’s hands were on her hips, guiding them to the center of the dancefloor with a devilish glint in her eye. Audrey instinctually draped her arms over Shelby’s shoulders, returning her look with a tantalizing grin as she began to sway her hips to the rhythmic bass thrumming under their feet. Shelby found herself mesmerized by the way she moved, so carefree and unbound; captivatingly beautiful as she found her gaze every now and then, between swinging her head back and forth to the beat and mashing their foreheads together as she caught her breath between songs. Something came alive in her and it was extraordinary to watch. Sweat began to accumulate at their hairlines, dripping down their chests as they bounced along with the now jumping crowd. Smiles painted their faces as they grasped one another to keep from losing their balance, lost in a sea of tumultuous waves filled with mostly careless people. 

 

All they could focus on was each other, holding onto the moment as long as they could before they had to inevitably face reality again. Shelby began to seriously contemplate what it would look like to stay here in this euphoria. Recklessly abandoning their responsibilities, bouncing on this dancefloor until their legs gave out. 

 

“Hey, I’ve gotta pee! Will you get us drinks and I’ll meet you at the bar?” Audrey yelled into Shelby’s ear.

 

“Sure,” Shelby yelled back, apprehensive about separating in such a crowded place, but not wanting to insult Audrey by being overprotective. “Hold onto your phone. I’ll be right over here.”

 

Audrey gave a half salute as she plowed through the crowd to find the ladies room.

 

 

 

After twenty anxious minutes of waiting for Audrey to return in one piece, Shelby huffed a sigh of relief as she spotted her blonde head bobbing through the crowd.

 

“Hi! My god that long was line—I mean, line was long!” 

 

Audrey cackled as she tossed back the shot she assumed was hers in front of Shelby at the bar. Shelby laughed heartily at her, following suit as she knocked back what she hoped would be their final libation of the night. As the warm whiskey tore down her throat, she watched Audrey lean back against the bar on her elbows with a mischievous glint in her hooded eyes.

 

“Can I ask you something?” she said loudly, licking her lips.

 

Shelby thought for a second, curling her mouth up to one side as if she had to think hard about her answer. Audrey shoved her playfully, disintegrating Shelby’s teasing.

 

“Fine, yes. Ask away.”

 

Audrey paused to compose herself, trying to convey her seriousness. “How many times have you ever...been in love? I mean, besides Matt of course…”

 

Shelby felt her throat closing in, gravely unprepared for the question. Glancing down at her feet nervously, Audrey could sense her embarrassment and immediately regretted bringing it up. 

 

Then Shelby surprised her. “Um...just Matt. I don’t think I really, _truly_ loved anyone before him.”

 

Audrey’s lips retreated into her mouth, mortified at the depressing turn their wonderful night just took because she wanted to be cute and ask a stupid fucking question like that. 

 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…”

 

“What about you?” Shelby interrupted, forever keeping her on her toes.

 

“Me?” Audrey pondered for a moment as she glanced around the club. “I don’t know...including Rory?” Shelby nodded. “I’d say...three times. Maybe four.”

 

Shelby felt her eyebrows react without her consent, quickly adjusting her face as to not convey any semblance of judgement.

 

“What is that...too many? Not conservative enough for you?” Audrey mocked.

 

“No it’s...sweet,” Shelby mustered as she played with the stem of a cherry she ate while Audrey was in the bathroom.

 

“ _Sweet?_ Are you judging me? Oh that’s _rich_...sorry that I’ve lived longer than you.”

 

Shelby felt a twinge of hurt spreading across her chest as she received Audrey’s jabs, but stubbornly stood up to move inches from her face.

 

“Damn it, Audrey. I’m not _judging you._ I think it’s really fucking _sweet_ and I don’t want to hear another word about it. Got it?”

 

Audrey swallowed hard, slightly bewildered by her sudden change of tone. “Fine.”

 

“Fine.”

 

Shelby’s countenance remained serious as they held each other’s stares, but Audrey cracked within seconds, grinning ear to ear.

 

 “You’re awfully cute when you’re mad. I should piss you off more often.”

 

“Something tells me that won’t be hard for you.” Shelby responded playfully, smirking from the side of her mouth. Audrey was skillful with her words, but Shelby had come to realize it was a defense mechanism. Her bark was much worse than her bite.

 

Standing over her, still inches from her face, Shelby moved her mouth to Audrey’s ear. “Wanna go back out there?”

 

Leaning back to look at her, Audrey shook her head no.

 

“Oh...are you ready to leave?”

 

Audrey nodded her head affirmatively, biting her lip as her eyes glowed with something Shelby had become all too familiar with. Despite her best efforts, she could feel her body responding, as Audrey ran her finger tip down her chest, tracing a trail of dried sweat with her nail. Shuddering as her eyes fell shut, Shelby pulled back slightly. They could not keep doing this.

 

“What’s wrong?” Audrey asked, hints of dejection in her tone.

 

“Nothing...we should probably call an Uber?”

 

Searching her eyes, Audrey finally conceded and pulled out her phone to order the car.

 

***

 

After gathering their things from the coat check, they found their black Mercedes and were headed home just after 3am. Shelby quickly came to realize she was deeply less accustomed to whiskey than Audrey, as her head throbbed at her temples. Noticing her discomfort, Audrey slid her hand up the back of her neck and began to massage pressure points at the base of her skull. Shelby’s eyes shot open as she felt her touch, but it didn’t take long for her to sink her head back into her hand, grateful for the relief her fingers were eliciting.

 

“Thank you,” she said meekly.

 

Audrey just nodded slightly as she continued to soothe her throbbing head. She wanted to lean over and kiss her, throw her leg over her lap and taste the whiskey on her tongue. Yet, besides the fact that they were basically in public, the way Shelby pulled away earlier had her restraining any advances she so desperately wanted to make. She had to distract her mind. At least for the time being.

 

“So...you never told me how it’s going at the yoga studio. Are you liking it?”

 

Shelby had to pry herself out of the euphoria she was swimming in from the head massage, but eventually gathered her thoughts to respond. “Yeah, it’s been great. Really great. I love everything about how they operate and they’ve already given me a lot of creative control…”

 

Audrey hummed her approval.

 

 “They actually offered me a manager position today. I’d essentially be running the place. Apparently they’ve been looking for someone to take over for a while, and I guess we just...clicked.”

 

“Shelby! Why are you _just now_ telling me this?” Audrey shouted, abruptly removing her hand from Shelby’s head, much to her disappointment.

 

“I don’t know...it never really came up and I—”

 

“This is just the _best_ news, Shelby! A full-time job at a local studio you love. How could it possibly be better than that?!”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“Here you are, Miss Tindall,” the Uber driver interjected, letting them know they were home.

 

“Oh, thank you,” Audrey responded as she went to exit the car, helping Shelby out before heading to the front door.

 

When they finally entered the house, Audrey quickly punched in the alarm code before seductively walking over to Shelby, helping her shrug off her scarf and sweater as she removed her own coat and heels. Shelby’s breath hitched in her throat, as her head told her to get a grip, but her body disobeyed. She tried not to kiss her, but once Audrey’s lips found hers, there was no severing their connection as they hastily stole the air from each other’s lungs; hands desperately roaming faces, necks, hips. The quiet hallway filled with the sound of their breathy moans, as Shelby pinned Audrey to the wall and began to devour her neck; teeth and tongue tasting hungrily as Audrey’s hips bucked into hers. 

 

Shelby knew she needed to stop. This wasn’t something they should be doing anymore. But as Audrey urgently untucked her shirt from her jeans and ran her nails across her stomach, any semblance of resistance evaporated with the sharp gasp that left her lips. Then Audrey was unbuttoning her pants, and Shelby almost went to help before her head began to spin. She needed to slow down, calibrate.

 

Grasping Audrey’s wrists and pinning them to the wall, she paused to catch her breath, chest heaving uncontrollably as she fought to stave off her desire. Audrey gasped behind a smile, loving when Shelby took control.

 

“Wait a second just...hold on,” Shelby managed as she let out short pants.

 

“Okay…” Audrey responded, leaning forward to nip at her chin. “You’re right. We should slow down. Collect ourselves.” 

 

Hands still pinned to the wall, Audrey examined Shelby’s still flustered face, playfully changing the subject. “So...tell me more about how you’re going to be the _boss_. When do you start?”

 

Shelby hung her head with a smile, eventually looking up at her to humor the question. “Yeah...as much as I would have loved it, I figured it would be pretty messed up to take the job just to leave a month later.” 

 

Leaning forward to give in to kissing her again, Shelby was met with the side of Audrey’s cheek.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Shelby leaned back, finally releasing her grip from Audrey’s wrists. “What? You think I should do it anyway? That wouldn’t be fair…”

 

Then Audrey abruptly ripped herself away from the wall, stalking into the kitchen.

 

Drenched in sheer confusion, Shelby followed her, flipping on the nearest light.

 

“I don’t understand what you’re asking? Audrey, please. Talk to me.”

 

Turning around quickly, Audrey spat, “You could just take the job! Jesus, when are you going to come across an opportunity like this again? Don’t be _stupid_ , Shelby!”

 

Shelby’s face contorted, genuinely at a loss. “What are you talking about? The job is in _London_. My life is in Los Angeles…”

 

Audrey dropped her hands from her hips, swallowing hard before she swiftly turned around to face the wall. She couldn’t let Shelby see the stubborn tears that began to flood her tired eyes. 

 

_Her life was in Los Angeles._

 

Shelby racked her brain for how this could possibly be upsetting Audrey so much. She felt helpless and responsible, but failed to find the words to address something she couldn’t wrap her mind around. _What did she do wrong?_

 

“Audrey...please don’t shut me out. I have no idea what you—”

 

“Don’t. Just...stop. You’ve said enough.”

 

Finally turning around, Audrey begrudgingly revealed her trembling lip as she continued to fight back tears. 

 

“Goodnight, Shelby,” she said in a voice just above a whisper as she headed for the stairs. Shelby moved to stop her, reaching her hands out to grip her arms but Audrey aggressively swatted her away, trudging upstairs and slamming her bedroom door behind her. 

 

Shelby stood in the eerily silent kitchen, completely dumbfounded. Everything hurt; her bones, her head, her chest. All she wanted to do was go up there and convince her that there had to have been some kind of misunderstanding. Force her to listen like she did before at the bar. But instead, she leaned back against the kitchen island and wept; fearing that whatever just happened, the pain she’d inadvertently caused, may have been the final blow to their ever elusive chances of being together.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ya girl had to finally work some angst in 💔


	16. fire and the flood

She never thought it would end up like this.

 

The windows of her cab were foggy with condensation that made the tips of her hair curl inward with rebellion. Her forearms lay heavy in her lap as she mindlessly toyed with the delicate chain of the gold bracelet her father gifted her just six months before he passed away. Six months. What a cursed length of time, she thought to herself, grating her back molars over each other, repeatedly clenching her jaw muscles then letting them go. The airport was suddenly much further away than she’d remembered. The gloom in the air was eerily similar to that of the day she first arrived. Nervous and agitated, ready to get this over with and get back to her life. _Her life_. Those two words were a constant snicker in her ear, haunting her psyche like the petulant ghosts of her past. 

 

Troubled was what she conceded she would always be. Existing, but never content. Floating through the world with no true purpose, failing to add anything to anyone else’s life. A small huff escaped her nose as she laughed at her own disdainful outlook. 

 

_Her life was in Los Angeles._

 

Was it? Blinking her tired lids shut, she began to contemplate what she even meant by that. She had no job. Her mother was so extremely aloof, she doubted she would treat her return with even a mild degree of excitement or consolation. She would show up when asked, but beyond that she wasn’t exactly dependable. Which is precisely why Shelby wasn’t sent to stay with her for the past six months, aside from her addiction to narcotics she swore was under control. 

 

Yet somehow, that probably would have been a much less painful experience than what she was currently driving away from.

 

Then there was her sister. Her wild, brilliant, recklessly vibrant sister. She would be home this month from UCLA for winter break, and that seemed to be the one glimmer of happiness Shelby could wrap her mind around. Even though she was a tornado of energy that required copious amounts of coffee just to keep up with, she was always refreshingly honest and never judgmental. That’s the only kind of person Shelby could handle right now.

 

After finally arriving at the airport and shuffling through all of the tedious procedures that air travel involved, Shelby found herself unlocking and locking her phone about a dozen times, hoping for any semblance of a little white flag, before ultimately deciding to turn it off and take an Ambien. Her mind needed numbing from all of the unspoken words terrorizing her temporal lobe; imaginary conversations of reconciliation and mutual understanding served as an idealistic fantasy she was determined to will into existence. But that wasn’t reality. Reality was using a tiny white pill to forget for as long as she could. To escape the inescapable truth of her life. What she had and what she’d lost. _But was it even hers in the first place?_ Maybe not, but a small part of her said that she wasn’t delusional. What she and Audrey had wasn’t all in her head and it wasn’t just her projecting her need to be needed and loved and wanted. No there was a small sliver of an irritatingly hopeful notion that she was in fact needed, loved, and wanted, and that she was too much of a coward to confront it. To confront her. Because even though Shelby never had a problem with confrontation, this was different. This was the gut wrenching ‘now or never’ moment that could result in a beautiful future or an unbearably humiliating present. 

 

***

 

Several days had come and gone since Audrey decided she was done with Shelby. “Done” specifically consisted of, but was not limited to: avoiding any and all interaction within and outside of the house, ignoring all attempted communication via text or phone call, and when Shelby would turn up backstage after a show and attempt to visit Audrey’s dressing room, she was met with pitying looks from the attendants that were specifically instructed to deter her from entering. The message was pretty clear, and it only took Shelby five days and countless tearful trips to the back room of the yoga studio to get the hint. She was done. Done with her, done with trying, done with all of it. 

 

So one lonely night, when Shelby was in the middle of the most vivid nightmare she’d had in nearly six months, a presence next to her bed with a damp wash rag and a look of genuine concern painted across her face was puzzling to say the least. She didn’t say a word; calmly kneeling at the side of the bed, gently dabbing the cool rag over Shelby’s forehead and cheeks whispering “shh” over and over as she held her wrist. Shelby could have sworn she was still dreaming. Still hanging in the balance of safe consciousness and a twisted nightmare involving Audrey caring for her before she’d inevitably be ripped from her side, deeply indifferent to her strife and existence. Eyes still tightly screwed shut, she prepared herself for the looming moment in which she’d inevitably be alone again. Tormented by her post-traumatic stress that seemed to have just recently returned with a vengeance, snickering with its hot breath in her ear, delighted with regaining control of her soul. _Weak. You’re still a weak little girl._

 

But as her erratic breathing continued to escalate, she felt a soft thumb rubbing rhythmic circles over her forearm. _Fuck, wake up already_. The urge to jerk her arm away was strong, but the familiar caress kept her calm, sinking into her pillow with an inexplicable feeling of contentment. As if she were home in her own bed, comforted by some unknown source of goodness she would dedicate her gratitude to during her savasana tomorrow. Her chest continued to undulate, as she closed her mouth attempting to breathe only through her nose to achieve some sort of control over her body. 

 

She could have sworn she heard the faint sound of a nearby voice sweetly uttering “It’s okay, you’re okay” as a sort of soothing mantra, reeling her in from the depths of her despair. However mysterious, the words served as a much needed guidepost to finding her bearings, slowly rejoining the reality of her bedroom.

 

Audrey’s guest bedroom. Audrey’s house.

 

Audrey.

 

“I miss you so much…”, she involuntarily whimpered as a small tear fell down the side of her face, unsure of how or when the words formed themselves and escaped the back of her throat.

 

Then the mantra stopped. A hitched breath, the smallest sniffle. It’s all she heard before the figure next to her bed abruptly stood and left the room. 

 

Then silence. Deep, excruciating silence.

 

Silence that she’d come to welcome. At least then she could hide from the ache in her chest, the sudden flashes of the one thing she wanted and could never have. Roanoke was torture. Matt leaving her was heart-shattering. But this—this felt like the final gut punch. She couldn’t help but feel like this was only completely what she deserved. So silence would serve as her refuge for the time being.

 

Lifting her noise-cancelling headphones to cover her head and ears, a dark, dreamless slumber washed over her like a warm, fuzzy wave, for what she hoped would be the entirety of her ten hour flight.

 

***

 

Audrey couldn’t think of a time in her life when she felt more sick to her stomach. Maybe the time she was forced to eat that smelly clam chowder that Rory insisted they _had to have_ when they visited his hometown in New Hampshire. Or when she was changing her niece's diaper that contained what could only be described as a hazardous, alien substance. 

 

Perhaps it was the time when she was force fed human flesh just before having her molar yanked out by a psychotic hillbilly. That should probably take the top spot and until now, it did. 

 

She felt weak and silly and woefully immature. Emotionally and mentally stunted. The haunting image remained etched into her brain, every detail painfully vivid. Watching Shelby approach the front door with her bags, drowning in her solemn, murky eyes, wanting to ask her to leave her things so she could come back for them someday. Come back _for her_ someday. But instead of a goodbye or good luck or have a nice life, she simply poured a glass of Maker’s Mark and gave a lazy flick of her wrist, as if dismissing a pesky gnat that’d overstayed its welcome. 

 

The moment Shelby left her house, wheeling away baggage filled with clothes, shoes and pieces of Audrey’s shredded aorta, that was the most unexpected, migraine-inducing nausea Audrey had ever experienced. Although she convinced herself it was the green tea she had on an empty stomach, or a bad batch of eggs she ate for breakfast, the glaring truth ringing in her skull told her that it was a much different kind of sickness altogether. One she was willing to live with if it meant she didn’t have to come to terms with its namesake; an age old illness that ravaged the hearts of naive human beings since the dawn of time.

 

She refused to sit with it. Refused to let it seep in through her pores and force her heart to take the leap her feet were incapable of making, cemented to the safety of her silence. No, she was going to let her go home and live _her life_. Even if she may have had a blissful, regretful image of her making a life here. With her. 

 

It was nothing more than a childish fantasy; a dreamed up version of a world in which she would choose her. For some reason, the idea that she would take the job and build a life in London seemed rational. _How egotistical could you be Audrey, honestly?_ She put so much thought into how relieved she would be when she was finally gone, she hadn’t stopped to think about the implications of letting her go. Without a word. 

 

Alone. That’s what she was destined to be and maybe it was for the best. People, relationships, they only got in the way of her dreams and aspirations. She turned down a seven-figure project to go on her honeymoon for fuck’s sake. What a mistake. Romance was a farce. Love, a fallacy.

 

Pouring the remaining ounces of Ketel One into her glass, she sank back into her couch and let the alcohol flood and hopefully deteriorate her deep capacity to give a fuck.

 

***

 

Stepping back into her old apartment came with an overwhelming flood of melancholy, pain clinging to her skin as putrid air filled her tired lungs. Everything was the same but somehow different. Like someone had snuck in while she was gone and moved everything just a couple of inches to the left just to fuck with her. Shrugging off her bags in the doorway, she opened the refrigerator to find an assortment of salad dressings and condiments that were extremely expired. She’d throw them out and go grocery shopping tomorrow. Yes, that’s what she needed, to get back to her mundane routine. Then maybe things would start to feel vaguely normal again. Normal was a welcomed state of being as far as she was concerned. 

 

As she took in the rest of her surroundings, feeling like an alien in her own home, she glanced down at her phone with a pitiful amount of hope. Two text messages. 

 

Both from her sister. 

 

 _4:43PM_ Paige: Need me to bring anything? 

 _5:30PM_ Paige: Cool I’m bringing a red and a pink. Can’t wait to see your cute face!

 

Shelby smiled weakly at the messages before noticing the time. Quickly locking her phone, she went to drag her bags into her room, take a quick shower and mentally prepare for her heavily extroverted sibling to arrive. After twenty minutes or so, an impatient knock echoed from her front door.

 

“Sis!”, Paige squealed as she jumped through the open door into Shelby’s arms, squeezing her neck tightly while planting a rapid succession of pecks onto her cheek, each followed by an obnoxious “muah!”

 

“Okay! Okay! God you’re like a Labrador Retriever.”

 

“Well saw-ry for missing my big sister. You’ve only been gone _forever_.”

 

“It’s only been six months.”

 

“Well...felt like longer,” Paige threw over her shoulder, moving into the kitchen to sift through the drawers in search of a wine opener. “Ah-ha!”

 

After finding the gadget and nearly corking the wine, Paige poured her and Shelby a glass of pink moscato (Shelby’s least favorite wine—but she was too tired to remind her). Flopping down on the couch, Paige balanced her glass to keep from spilling and propped her feet up on the coffee table. Her legs were long and thin. Hair slightly longer than Shelby’s with beachy waves and blonde highlights that accented the patches of freckles across her cheeks and nose. Most of her clothes were Shelby’s hand-me-downs, but her desire for a style all her know was made evident by the clear alterations to her jean shorts and a crop top that used to be a regular t-shirt. Shelby could have been annoyed by the destruction of what used to be some of her favorite clothes, but it was hard to stay mad at her buoyantly charming sister for too long. Besides, they were of much better use to her than gathering dust in a backroom closet.

 

“So, you happy to be back? Your own space and all that?”

 

Shelby nearly choked on her sip of too sweet wine. “Uhm, yeah I’m...it’s fine.” 

 

Except it wasn’t. It didn’t feel like home. Ever since she got off that plane she felt like an injured fish out of water, searching for something familiar or remotely comforting. Nothing felt right. California was no longer the warm, bright kaleidoscope of vibrant colors and interesting people she once knew and loved. Everything seemed like the volume had been turned down; a dirty film of mildew and rust coating what was once her favorite place to be, the golden state. A pale, muted grey was all she saw now.

 

“Fine?” a flush of realization coursed over Paige’s face as she set down her glass.

 

Shelby could feel her suspicious gaze scanning her features, desperately searching for a way to mask the anguish she knew her sister could sense. “Yes. How about you? How’s college? Any new boyfriends I should know about?”

 

Paige’s mouth curled into a wide smile, joyfully willing to talk all about her first year at UCLA, all the parties she’d crashed and the classes she couldn’t wait to test out of. She went on for quite some time, with Shelby chuckling at her exuberant storytelling every now and then.

 

“Anyway...what is going on with you? You seem...like you’re somewhere else.”

 

And if she were completely honest, she’d admit to being very far from here. About five-thousand miles from here, to be exact. Every sip she took met a clenched throat, each slow blink revealing heavy, burdened eyes. The more alcohol hit her empty stomach, the more she began to go over her last conversation with Audrey in her head. Rewinding to the precise moment when she saw that wondrous look in her eye; a look that told her so much more than words ever could.

 

 Then fast-forwarding to the exact moment she knew she’d lost her. Dissecting every stupid word that fell from her mouth, everything she should have said but didn’t. _Why was I so fucking scared?_

 

“Is it Audrey?”

 

“What?”

 

“You know what. Don’t act like you didn’t drunk text me _several_ times. Telling me all about your—”

 

“Fine! Fine. Just...please don’t bring that up.”

 

“Shelby…”

 

“I’m serious. No offense but...it’s none of your business.”

 

Taking a final sip of her wine and crossing her legs, Paige kept her composure as she watched her older sister squirm in her chair. Despite their age gap, they were very close. Close enough for Paige to know what this was. She’d only seen her this way once before.

 

“Okay. I’ll drop it. But can I ask you one thing?”

 

Sighing reluctantly, Shelby traced her finger over the rim of her wine glass to avoid eye contact. “Sure.”

 

“Do you love her?”

 

Shelby felt her heart thrumming in her ears almost instantly. There it was. The most beautiful and terrifying thing anyone could ever endure. Ever give and hope to receive. She managed to compartmentalize it for so long, keep it locked away tight so that when it reared its ugly head, it would never bump into the part of her reserved for Audrey. But little did she know, Audrey had slowly seeped into all of her carefully hidden compartments, every area of her heart she thought would be permanently under construction, healing and rebuilding just to crumble again. Audrey had a hand in all of it. Letting out a distressed exhale, she slowly swiped away a tear that trickled down her cheek, finally making pained eye contact with her sister.

 

“I do.”

 

***

 

The courthouse was characteristically bustling as Shelby and Will made their way to courtroom B9. Will was dressed in a three piece, pinstripe suit (his Sunday best, according to him), while Shelby clicked through the busy halls in simple pumps, a silk white button-up shirt tucked into black slacks, and a blazer. Her hearing was at 8am, but Will insisted that she arrive no later than 7:30am so he could go over some last minute paperwork with her.

 

“We’re all set. I just need you to sign here and here,” Will said with a surprisingly calm voice, pointing to the appropriate lines with his index finger. Shelby just nodded quietly as she whipped the pen over the blank spaces.

 

“Now today, you don’t have to say a thing. Just sit there and look pretty,” he said with a soft smile.

 

“I think I can do that,” Shelby replied with a hint of nervousness coating her words. “Hey is that...Officer Suarez?” she asked as she subtly pointed down the hallway.

 

“Oh, yes. She’s here to give her statement on the record about her time with you. Strictly procedural…”

 

Shelby bit her bottom lip, a worrisome shadow forming at her brow.

 

“Shelby, I promise it will be fine. She’s already given her preliminary report and everything looked good.”

 

Finding Will’s eyes, she saw that he was nothing but genuine, truly believing what he was saying. Shelby let her shoulders relax slightly, squeezing his hand before following him into the courtroom to find their seats.

 

When the clock finally struck 8, everyone stood as the judge entered the room and sat back down as he directed. Everything did seem very standard and less stress inducing than Shelby anticipated. 

 

Officer Suarez took the stand and gave about as bland a report as she could have expected from the short time she spent with her. Nevertheless, Shelby was profoundly grateful that it was short and sweet instead of long and incriminating.

 

She could finally see the light at the end of this never ending tunnel of torment. As soon as this was over, she could attempt to put the pieces of her life back together. It was almost over. 

 

The pain. The guilt. The... _Audrey._

 

Before she could process what she was seeing, there Audrey stood at the witness stand, speaking cordially with the bailiff and taking her seat while clearing her throat nonchalantly. The room became an undefined blur; all Shelby could make out was the dark red dress Audrey seemed to be wearing, blonde hair shining bright like the sun. It hadn’t occurred to her that Audrey would be here because all of the effort left in her body had been channeled into getting over her for the past two weeks. Yet there she was. As bold and beautiful as ever.

 

“Miss Tindall, it is my understanding that Shelby Miller was assigned to stay with you at your home in London for the past six months. You acted as her guardian during this time, submitting weekly reports on your experience.”

 

“Yes, that’s right.”

 

She sounded so confident and unencumbered, but Shelby could hear the slight twinge of remorse in her voice. Like a reluctance to rehash something she’d been over a million times. Shelby tried to look at everything but her. The ballpoint pen in front of her, her freshly manicured nails, the thin layer of dust accumulating on the table.

 

“Thank you, Miss Tindall.” Will raised a sheet of paper for her to acknowledge as he continued. “We’ve received your final report, which indicates that you find Miss Miller fit to rejoin society. Is that accurate?”

 

“Yes…” For a brief moment, their gazes met. Shelby felt like her heart might burst with the inundation of joy and sorrow she found in her eyes. Audrey looked regretful. Like she’d forgotten or misplaced something valuable.

 

“Excellent. Well, Miss Tindall, unless there’s anything you’d like to add, you’re dismissed. Thank you for your time and sacrifice.” 

 

As she stepped down and returned to her seat in the back, Will returned to his chair next to Shelby, subtly clearing his throat as he slid a piece of paper into Shelby’s eye line. Puzzled, Shelby pulled it closer. It was Audrey’s last report she submitted to Will, stating her final recommendation.

 

_To whom it may concern,_

 

_In regards to Shelby Miller and her fitness to rejoin society, she is one of the kindest, most caring people I’ve ever encountered. She’s a fighter, but more importantly, she is gentle, warm and deeply altruistic. She would never intentionally hurt a soul. Shelby deserves any and every opportunity to have a normal life again, and I can damn well guarantee that she will do nothing but add to society, not endanger it._

 

Audrey’s flamboyant signature graced the bottom of the page, and Shelby couldn’t help but read the words over again, making sure it wasn’t a vivid hallucination. Fingertips grazing over the letters of Audrey’s name, she felt the slight sting of tears beginning to pool within her eyelids.

 

The rest of the hearing was a distant blur, a muffled echo chamber of shuffling footsteps and incoherent noises. It took the final bang of the gavel granting her freedom to finally break the spell of her contemplative daydream. Will gently squeezed her shoulder, prompting her to finally stand and catch up with what just happened.

 

Hugging Will’s neck, she whispered “thank you” several times before pulling back to reveal red rimmed eyes that left tears in his lapel. He didn’t mind.

 

“You deserve this, Shelby. Now, go live your life.”

 

There it was again. That meaningless phrase: _her life_. 

 

She knew what she needed to do. Quickly gathering her things, she gave thankful nods to the people waiting to congratulate her, before hastily making her way out of the large front doors of the courthouse.

 

She saw her leave. A swift cloud of crimson as she made a beeline for the exit. In any other circumstances, she’d probably let her go. Let her leave because it was clear she didn’t want to stay and talk things through. But if this was truly going to be the last time they saw each other, Shelby was going to make sure her second chance would not be squandered by another cowardly omission.

 

Head on a swivel, she searched the sidewalk and the nearby garden. She couldn’t have gotten very far. As she continued to search, fear began to slowly creep in. Maybe she had a car waiting. Maybe she missed her chance. Hands trembling, she wandered over to a concrete bench within the garden, struggling not to lose her composure in such a public space. It was a beautiful day; red and yellow leaves swept passed her feet as the cool breeze tickled her nose, sending tiny chill bumps down her neck and spine. Closing her eyes and inhaling deeply, she began to consider giving up. 

 

Maybe this was a sign. Maybe they’d just never get the timing right.

 

“You know, I read an article that said mediation doesn’t even really work…”

 

There it was, that irritatingly charming British accent she’d come so intimately acquainted with. 

 

“Audrey…”

 

Eyes flying open, Shelby stood up, nervously tucking a strand of hair behind one ear as she desperately attempted to muster one coherent sentence. “I—I thought you’d left already.”

 

Crossing her arms with uncharacteristic timidity, Audrey shrugged and looked down at her toes before reaching into her pocket. When her fingers re-emerged, they were threaded with a thin necklace. Delicate rows of gold and two distinct letters dangled from the chains, her initials. Another gift from her late father.

 

“Yes well, I would be but...I figured you didn’t mean to leave this behind.”

 

 _I didn’t mean to leave you behind_ , Shelby wanted to say, before Audrey extended her hand to give her the necklace.

 

Silently, Shelby opened her palm for Audrey to pool the necklace into her hand. She hadn’t even realized she’d forgotten one of her favorite pieces of jewelry.

 

“Thank you...where did you find it?”

 

Hesitating for a moment, Audrey cleared her throat. “My bedside table.”

 

Then it all came rushing back to her. How could she forget.

 

_The first night they made love, Audrey fell asleep nestled into Shelby’s neck after finally succumbing to exhaustion. She looked so peaceful. So absurdly gorgeous. A few hours passed and Shelby woke to go use the bathroom. When she returned, she leaned over to feather her lips gently onto Audrey’s cheekbone, before she noticed a small indentation on her skin. A tiny letter S. Biting back a snicker filled with endearment, Shelby promptly removed her necklace and placed it on the nightstand, hoping the mark would be gone by morning, but secretly loving the symbolism of her initial being branded onto Audrey._

 

“Oh...right.”

 

Awkward silence filled the air between them, but that was nothing new. Shelby could see Audrey nervously playing with her fingers, obviously feeling the tension and wanting to say something. _Say something, anything._

 

“Well, that was it. My Uber is on its way. Congratulations…” 

 

And before Shelby could open her mouth Audrey was walking away. 

 

“Hey, hold on. Wait!” Shelby was done being silent, irritation practically leaping from her chest.

 

Audrey didn’t turn around until Shelby caught up to her, tugging at her arm. Her face was downcast and pale. She wouldn’t look her in the eye. “I’m going to miss my car…” she mumbled weakly.

 

“Did you get my note?”

 

_Two weeks prior…_

 

On the day Shelby left for good, Audrey planned a small get-together at her home, desperate to avoid the inevitable pit of despair she wasn’t ready to sink into just yet. Gillian, her husband and a few other fellow thespians came and went until the liquor ran dry and Audrey’s eyes could no longer stay open. After she kissed and hugged her friends goodbye, she grabbed a hidden bottle of whiskey and stumbled upstairs to watch old movies until she passed out. But when she turned on the lamp next to her bed, she was met with a tiny piece of paper and a sudden wave of nausea. Slowly setting down the bottle, she opened the note and sat down tentatively before bringing herself to finally read it.

 

_Audrey,_

 

_The past six months have been some of the most frustrating, infuriating, liberating days of my life. I don’t know how or why things got so fucked up, but I do know that I don’t regret any of it. I know that you’re done with me, and that’s fine. Maybe it’s for the best. Because I think I may have loved you. But I realize now that’s not what you wanted. So I hope you find what you’re looking for. I’ll always be here for you._

 

_Shelby_

 

Jerking her arm away, Audrey scoffed. “Of course I got your bloody _note._  You’ve got some nerve, you know that?”

 

Looking away with pursed lips, Shelby threw her head back to stare up into the sky, begging God to finally give her the code to Audrey Tindall or put her out of her goddamn misery.

 

“Why? Because I was honest?”

 

“No…”

 

“Why then? Really, I’m dying to know what bullshit excuse you’ve come up with to hate me for…”

 

“Because I love you, you idiot! More than I've ever loved anyone and it scares the shit out of me...” 

 

Pausing to look away, she nearly split her lip as she bit down hard, stunned at her own unbridled confession. Stubborn tears began to well in her burdened brown eyes. “But...you’re life is here. And mine isn’t. So, it doesn’t really matter then, does it?”

 

Shelby didn’t hear that last part. Holding her breath, she moved forward with a hard swallow, feeling the suffocating chains of insecurity breaking at her feet with each purposeful step she took.

 

Audrey couldn’t hide from her anymore, and as the taller woman approached her with more confidence and determination than she’d ever seen, a muddled wave of relief and anxiety poured over her helpless body. Then Shelby’s hands were on her face. Warm and soft and loving. “You love me?”

 

“Don’t make me say it again,” Audrey chuckled nervously through a shuddered exhale, eyes pleading with Shelby to go easy on her.

 

Shelby’s mouth morphed into a dazzling smile, expressing sheer joy through every feature of her face. She wouldn’t make her say it again. Not now anyway. Because she knew this was hard for her. It was hard for both of them; finally admitting that deep, reckless emotion that managed to ruin lives and put them back together again so poetically.

 

So instead of uttering another useless sentence, she gently cupped Audrey’s trembling jaw with both hands, and kissed her like it was their first and last. Audrey was already breathless, clinging to Shelby’s waist as she tearfully whispered “I love you” under her breath between each kiss. Shelby felt high, the euphoria of hearing those ever elusive words tumble from Audrey’s lips so genuinely was enough to have her knees buckling under the weight of something she she so deeply coveted. It couldn’t be real, yet there they stood. Unintentionally expressing their feelings in public, deeply unbothered by who would see them or what people would say. Because this is what they needed all this time. Honest, vulnerable communication. It eluded them every woeful day leading up to now. Now, love and truth were bursting at the seams of their tormented hearts, finally penetrating their once impervious walls.

 

Breaking the kiss, Shelby pressed her forehead into Audrey’s, before slowly kissing away the tracks of her tears.

 

“You’re shaking,” Shelby whispered, rubbing her thumbs over flushed cheeks.

 

“I’m sorry I just...how are we going to do this? You live here and—”

 

Shelby shook her head as she reached down to take one of Audrey’s hands. Lacing their fingers together, she pressed a long, warm kiss to the back of her quivering hand. 

 

“Audrey, _my life_...is wherever I’m with you.”

 

Brows knitting together in disbelief, Audrey exhaled a laugh dripping with raw emotion, before grasping the back of Shelby’s neck and exchanging passionate, smiley kisses over and over again. It felt like an alternate universe; this woman in front of her, the one who drove her crazy and made her feel more loved and cared for than anyone ever had, was choosing her. Loving her.

 

“Besides, I hear the beaches in England are beautiful.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the last chapter will be an epilogue and I am so excited and equally sad to be wrapping up this story. i know i say this every time but all of your sweet comments and feedback have been truly special to me. love these two idiots so much


	17. i've got love to keep me warm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's Christmas time in London

 

“ _Absolutely_ not!”

 

“Oh come on…please? For me?”

 

Shelby sat with her legs crossed in the middle of the living room floor surrounded by DVDs. It was a cold winter night, with Audrey curled up by the fire reading her latest review in the local newspaper. After making her famous hot chocolate with vanilla extract, ground cinnamon and extra marshmallows (upon Audrey’s request), Shelby stumbled upon a collection of movies and television shows featuring her favorite leading lady. 

 

Eyes lighting up, she found the one they just had to watch. Crawling over to where Audrey was sitting, she placed her chin in her lap like a puppy looking for an ear scratching; pink lips pouted as big blue eyes blinked pleadingly under wrinkled brows.

 

“Oh that is extremely unfair…” Audrey whined as Shelby quirked a wide smile. “How does anyone ever say no to you and those bloody _dimples_.”

 

Biting her lip, Shelby giggled as she lifted herself by the arms of the chair to hover over Audrey. “Just one movie…” she whispered before kissing her nose. “Then we can do...whatever you want to do.” 

 

“ _Fine…”_ Audrey whispered over her lips. “But I’ll hold you to that.”

 

Slinking out of the chair with a grin, Shelby pulled Audrey up and sat her on the couch, bringing over her warm beverage and plush throw blanket. After giddily sliding the disc into the DVD player, she joined Audrey over on the couch, slouching down to nuzzle her head into her lap as she pressed play on the remote control. 

 

Shelby stayed quiet for most of the film, intermittently laughing at Audrey’s exasperation over her “dreadful hair” and “razor thin eyebrows”. Despite the shallow plot line, Shelby loved every second of it. The film served as a glimpse of Audrey before she knew her, like flipping through an old photo album only to discover how much one has changed over the years. She was so young; her voice was higher pitched, eyes alight with hope and naivety. Turning to lay on her back, Shelby looked up at Audrey adoringly.

 

“What? Is it _that_ bad…” Audrey huffed as she looked down at her.

 

“No it’s just...you’re so cute.”

 

“Yeah, twenty-something Audrey was definitely a sight to see,” she replied with a chuckle.

 

Shelby shook her head, smiling as she reached to cup Audrey’s cheek. “Oh she was, but I think forty-something Audrey takes the cake. I don’t know maybe I’m biased…”

 

Blushing, Audrey took her bottom lip between her teeth. “Well, aren’t you just a charmer…” 

 

“I’m serious...I think you’re more beautiful now than ever.” 

 

Audrey couldn’t escape the twinkle in Shelby’s eye, like she was gazing up at a shooting star falling gloriously to Earth. She’d never felt more adored.

 

Running her fingers through Shelby’s wavy locks, she thanked her with a soft smile and a moonstruck glint in her eye. She didn’t think she could love her more than she did in that moment.

 

 “I don’t know...you haven’t seen my 80’s-undercover-spy pilot.”

 

“Oh my god can we _please—”_

 

“Absolutely _not_!”

 

***

 

The next morning was an early one, as they prepared to leave for the Tindall family’s annual Christmas Eve festivities at Audrey’s parents’ house. Audrey found herself nervously popping in and out of rooms all morning, making sure all the gifts made it into the car, checking on the snicker-doodles in the oven and asking Shelby if she still wanted to come every five minutes.

 

“Audrey…” Shelby said as she grasped the frazzled woman’s arm before she could restlessly dart into another room. “Hey, is everything alright? You seem...antsy.”

 

Puffing out an exhale, Audrey finally stopped, collapsing into Shelby as she wrapped her arms around her. Kissing her hairline, Shelby asked, “Do you not want to go? Because as much as I love your family, I can think of a few other things we can do to keep warm today…”

 

Humming her approval, Audrey buried her face into the crook of Shelby’s neck, hugging her tightly. 

 

“Don’t tempt me.”

 

“No really, what’s up? Talk to me.”

 

Eyes fluttering closed, Audrey sighed as she mused for a moment over how often Shelby asked her to express her feelings. As irritating as it was at first, she’d come to find that bottling up her emotions was a regular tendency of hers. It was always easiest to just stuff them down, but now, with Shelby, she actually felt heard and seen instead of judged or written off as perpetually dramatic.

 

“I just...want this to go well.”

 

Rubbing her hands comfortingly down Audrey’s back, she rested her cheek on her head. “Well...your family seems to like me okay. Margaret doesn’t go more than a day without texting me. Mostly just selfies with her poodle but still…”

 

“Oh god, no mum and Trish _adore_ you. I’m convinced they wouldn’t notice if you showed up with a cardboard cutout of me.”

 

Shelby just laughed and shook her head.

 

“No it’s…I don’t know. It’s the first time we’re going over there... _together_ together.” Audrey leaned back to look up at her now, keeping her fingers laced at her back. “And well, my father will be there and he’s...never been quite fond of me dating women.” Her head fell at the confession. Shelby took a few seconds to process the information, but soon lifted Audrey’s chin.

 

“Hey, I’m sure it will be fine.”

 

“You think so?”

 

“Yeah,” Shelby said with a smile before kissing her forehead. “Besides, I think me being a woman should be the least of his concerns...considering the whole—”

 

“Stop,” Audrey interrupted, looking her straight in the eye as she brought her hands up to lovingly frame her face. “That doesn’t matter now. It’s in the past. You’ve done your time. And if he has a problem with you, then he has a problem with me.”

 

“Audrey…”

 

“I’m serious.”

 

“Okay then,” Shelby conceded before kissing her tenderly. She’d come to learn that when Audrey had her mind made up, any efforts to change it were typically futile. 

 

“Now let’s go before I get off on the wrong foot by making you late.”

 

“Oh please, if I were on time they’d be absolutely _shell-shocked_.”

 

***

 

Small flurries of snow fell as they waited at the front door with gifts piled into their arms. Shelby had borrowed a red sweater and knee high boots of Audrey’s to wear for the day, while the older woman wore a long sleeved black v-neck tucked into a plaid skirt with tights and her favorite Burberry scarf. Audrey could almost detect a hint of nervousness in Shelby as she stood there fidgeting, but as the door flew open and Margaret launched herself to throw her arms around her neck, all anxiety seemed to evaporate.

 

“Hello, darlings! Come on in.” As Shelby and Audrey stepped in from the cold, they enjoyed the warmth that greeted them as Margaret closed the large oak door.

 

“Luke! Charles! Will you come take their gifts and coats, please?” Margaret shouted over her shoulder as she squeezed both of their hands. 

 

Before they could prepare, there stood Audrey’s brother-in-law and father, reaching to relieve them of the pristinely wrapped presents. Following them into the living room, Shelby admired the elaborate decoration of the beautiful home. Lush garland and fresh mistletoe hung from each door frame, as Dean Martin’s greatest hits floated through the room from a vintage record player in the corner. Once the gifts were arranged under the exquisite Christmas tree, Audrey turned to greet her father properly.

 

“Hi daddy…” she cooed, extending her arms to hug his neck.

 

“Hey pumpkin,” he replied, lifting her in a bear hug before setting her back down.

 

After kissing his cheek, Audrey turned to look at Shelby, mustering up the courage to take her hand in both of hers, threading their fingers together.

 

“I’d like you to meet Shelby...my girlfriend.” The words almost didn’t come out, but she was proud of herself for saying them. Just as she was proud to call Shelby her girlfriend.

 

“Shelby, yes. I’ve heard a lot about you,” he said as he extended his hand to shake hers.

 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Tindall. You have a lovely home...the craftsmanship is incredible.”

 

Taken aback for a moment, Charles asked curiously, “You fancy woodwork?”

 

“Uhm, well yes...I love it. My father was a woodworker. He built most of the furniture in my childhood home. I helped him make the cabinets when I was a teenager.”

 

“Is that so?” he said with a lifted brow. 

 

Shelby nodded her head, glancing over at Audrey to get a read on whether or not this was going well. She didn’t seem to know either.

 

He simply nodded his head in return. “Right, well, would you ladies like a drink?”

 

Looking over at Audrey, Shelby replied, “That sounds great. Can I give you a hand?”

 

***

 

Later that evening, Audrey, Margaret and Trish all sat chatting in the living room over hot toddies as Luke put the kids to bed.

 

“Luke is such a good one, Trish. It takes a special man to put two toddlers _and_ a baby to bed on his own,” Margaret gushed.

 

“Yeah well, you know I had to kiss _many_ frogs to get to him,” Trish retorted as they all laughed. “Speaking of...can we talk about how dad and Shelby have been in the kitchen for an _hour_? Luke can’t even hold a conversation with dad for that long.” 

 

Audrey smiled knowingly into her toddy, “Really? I hadn’t noticed…” 

 

Except she had noticed, and was doing her best to hide her excitement over the glimpses of Shelby and her father examining their cabinets and laughing intermittently over scotch in the kitchen. Despite their differences, Shelby had truly come to win over the hearts of every member of the Tindall family, and Audrey couldn’t be more grateful.

 

“She really is something, sis.”

 

Audrey pressed her lips into a thin smile, fighting back the sudden rush of emotions that came with her sister’s words. She loved her family deeply, but they always seemed to find something wrong with the people she chose to date in recent years. Trish and Luke didn’t come to her and Rory’s wedding due to “unforeseen babysitter issues”. Audrey was furious, but she had to put all of that behind her now, focusing on the happiness she never thought she’d find again.

 

“I’m so relieved you feel that way...,” Audrey muttered as she choked back a tiny sob, looking down into her drink.

 

“Oh darling, don’t cry!” Margaret said sympathetically as she stood to bring her a tissue.

 

“Who’s crying?” Charles interjected, as he and Shelby re-entered the living room.

 

“Oh there you are!” Margaret redirected. “We were wondering when you two would finally join us.”

 

Shelby immediately caught sight of Audrey, watching her dry the corners of her eyes with the tissue. Mouthing “you okay?”, she made her way over to sit next to her on the love seat. Audrey nodded her head swiftly, grasping her hand as she sat down. Framing Audrey’s shoulders with an arm draped on the back of the couch, Shelby smiled as she brought their conjoined hands up to kiss her knuckles, still puzzled by the somber look on her face.

 

“Okay, who’s ready for Pictionary?!” Margaret exclaimed, clearly a little tipsy. 

 

***

 

After several heated rounds of Pictionary (a game the Tindall family apparently took _very_ seriously), Audrey went to the kitchen to refresh her drink and their communal bowl of pretzels.

 

Searching the pantry for cinnamon sticks, she stood on her toes, struggling to grasp the jar on a shelf just slightly higher than her fingers could reach. Cursing under her breath, she went to try again, before warm hands slid around her waist, catching her off guard.

 

“What the—”

 

“Hi…” Shelby purred into her ear.

 

“Oh...hello,” Audrey replied with a grin, melting back into her embrace.

 

“Need some help?” Shelby teased as she reached up and easily retrieved the jar of cinnamon sticks.

 

“Mmm, thank you. I’m so glad I’m dating an actual Amazon…”

 

Poking her in the ribs, Shelby set down the jar on a lower shelf, before nudging them further into the walk-in pantry. “I’m so glad I’m dating an actual comedian,” she playfully whispered, hugging Audrey tighter from behind as she began to pepper kisses down her neck.

 

Audrey felt her body responding dangerously fast, helplessly nodding her head back to give Shelby’s hot lips better access.

 

“Darling...we have to get back. What if someone—”

 

A gasp bubbled to the surface before Audrey could finish her sentence, as Shelby suckled her ear lobe, grinding her hips into Audrey’s ass, hands sliding across her stomach.

 

Turning around in her arms, Audrey returned her advances, grasping her neck and planting smiley kisses onto her hungry lips. As they began to get lost in each other, forgetting that they were standing a pantry, Shelby’s elbow bumped a shelf, spilling a bag of flour all over the floor.

 

“Fuck!” she hissed, before catching Audrey’s eyes and bursting into laughter with her. They stood there cackling close to tears for a minute, until a familiar voice cut through their shared delirium. 

 

“What the hell…”

 

“Trish! We were just—”

 

“Planning to bake a cake?” she chided, glancing down at the flour all over Shelby’s jeans.

 

Audrey couldn’t hold back the giggles that erupted from her chest, burying her face in Shelby’s neck as she attempted to gain her composure.

 

“Sorry…” Shelby said with a crooked grin.

 

“Jesus,” Trish replied with a smirk, “Don’t you two _live together_.”

 

Shelby smiled as she kissed Audrey’s hair. They did, in fact, live together. After the trial, Shelby called Dan and Liz, hoping their offer for the manager position at the yoga studio was still on the table. Fortunately, they hadn’t found a replacement, and were more than happy to have Shelby start as soon as possible. The hours were demanding at first as she learned the role, but Audrey couldn’t complain, as she found herself just as busy. Shortly after the play ended, she took a lead role in a local independent film. The days were long and exhausting, but coming home to warm, soothing bubble baths Shelby meticulously prepared for her, made all the difference in the world. As much as they loved their jobs, they both looked forward to taking time off to reconnect during the holidays. They agreed to stay in London for Christmas, then visit Shelby’s mother and sister in California in the spring for their birthdays.

 

Making their way back into the living room, Shelby brushed the remnants of the flour from her jeans before noticing everyone had begun to open presents. When they returned to their couch, several boxes and bags were stacked in front of them, all marked _Audrey_ or _Shelby_ , with a couple labeled “ _t_ _he love birds_ ”. Audrey rolled her eyes, but wasted no time tearing open the gifts.

 

“Oh mum, these are _gorgeous_. You really shouldn’t have…”

 

“Nonsense. You two deserve to lounge around the house every once in a while. You’ll work yourselves to death!” 

 

Audrey hugged the matching plush robes to her chest, deeply looking forward to taking her mother up on the suggestion. “Thank you mum.”

 

“Yeah, thank you Margaret, really. This is so sweet,” Shelby added, running her hand over the delightfully soft fabric.

 

Margaret simply waved her off, gesturing for her to continue opening her gifts. As Shelby proceeded, she began to notice a trend among her presents. Each was a different item of clothing to gently nudge her in the direction of preparedness when it came to England weather: cashmere gloves, hand-knit scarves, rain boots, beanies, and a polka-dotted umbrella. Overwhelmed with the thoughtfulness this family displayed, Shelby’s jaw felt like it would never leave the floor. 

 

“I—I don’t know what to say. This is...you guys didn’t have to do all of this. It’s too much…”

 

“It’s the least we could do!” Trish replied brightly. “What kind of welcome wagon would we be if we didn’t equip you for the elements?” 

 

Shelby’s heart swelled, small tears inevitably falling down her cheeks.

 

“Oh don’t _cry_ , dear,” Margaret sang as she extended the tissue box again. “Between you and Audrey...I’m going to have to buy these in bulk.” 

 

Shelby huffed out a laugh as she squeezed Audrey’s knee, still curious as to why she was crying earlier. 

 

Audrey rolled her eyes at her mother, hoping to move on from the subject. “Can we start the movie now?”

 

Every Christmas Eve, the adults had a tradition of watching _It’s a Wonderful Life_ together as a family. Margaret popped the popcorn and Charles prepared his signature spiked eggnog. Insisting that Shelby stay and relax in the living room, Audrey helped her parents in the kitchen.

 

Mindlessly buttering the popcorn, Audrey wanted to ask her father what she’d been wondering all night. Handing him the nutmeg, she nonchalantly asked, “So...what do you think?”

 

“What do I think of what, sugar?”

 

“Shelby...what do you think of her,” Audrey replied, looking over her shoulder.

 

“Oh…”

 

Audrey’s face fell, reading deeply into his pause.

 

“Pumpkin...she’s wonderful. Truly. You’ve got a good one.”

 

Pulling herself out of her shocked reverie, Audrey smiled ear to ear,  throwing her arms around his neck.

 

“Thank you, dad. That means a lot.”

 

“You love her, huh?”

 

Standing back, she made deliberate eye contact, conveying the emotion that bubbled to the surface.  “So much…” 

 

“I’m happy for you, sugar.”

 

In that moment, Audrey couldn’t believe the trajectory of her life. For so long, she yearned for her father’s approval, but was willing to go without it if it meant she could still have Shelby. Now, she finally had both.

 

Returning to the living room, Audrey made a beeline for Shelby, watching her toss her long hair as she cackled over one of Trish’s outlandish stories. Shelby sensed her enter the room, finding her gaze almost immediately. “Hey…” 

 

“Hey yourself…” Audrey replied coyly, still smiling like she’d just won the lottery. Handing Shelby her eggnog, Audrey boldly moved to sit in her lap, cupping her face as she kissed her passionately. Shelby lit up like the extravagant Christmas tree in the corner. She didn’t know what she did to deserve what seemed like such a public display of affection, but that didn’t stop her free hand from roaming up and down Audrey’s back lovingly.

 

“Oh come on, get a _room_!” Trish yelled playfully with her hands cupped around her mouth like a megaphone.

 

Audrey pressed her forehead to Shelby’s, smiling as their eyelashes brushed. Turning around, she yelled “Oh piss off…” as she grabbed a pillow and threw it at Trish across the room. Trish caught it, sticking her tongue out teasingly.

 

“Alright children that’s enough. If either of you break my Tiffany lamps you’ll be sorry,” Margaret warned.

 

Audrey and Trish shared a look before muttering “sorry” while snickering under their breaths. 

 

Shortly after, the lights were off, with nothing but the white lights of the Christmas tree and the glow of the television softly illuminating the room. Each couple shared a big blanket as they sipped their eggnog. Audrey had moved out of Shelby’s lap, but kept her legs draped over her as she rested her head on her shoulder. Every now and then Shelby would kiss her temple and whisper “I love you”, sending warm waves of contentment through Audrey’s veins as she squeezed her hand under the blanket.

 

As the film came to an end, the room was filled with the soft crackling of the fire and a low murmur of voices. Those who were still awake, kept their whispers hushed as they made their way to their respective bedrooms. Shelby noticed Audrey had fallen asleep about halfway through the movie, as her breathing fell into a steady rhythm against her arm. She thought about waking her, but instead decided to carefully pick her up and carry her down the hall to the guest bedroom Margaret prepared for them. As she lifted her from the couch, Audrey reflexively gripped her neck tightly, burrowing her nose just behind her ear.

 

Thankfully the door was open, so Shelby could walk straight in and lay her on the bed. Pulling back the covers, she unzipped and gently removed her boots, before covering her with the comforter and pressing a soft kiss to her cheek. Quietly sifting through her overnight bag, Shelby grabbed some things and went to complete her nightly routine in the bathroom down the hall. Audrey still appeared to be sound asleep, so when she returned, she made sure to slowly join her in the bed, trying not to disturb her as best she could. Clicking off the lamp on the bedside table, Shelby moved to wrap her arm around the sleeping woman next to her, nuzzling her nose into her hair before dozing off herself.

 

***

 

The next morning, Audrey was the first to wake. She was sure she’d never get over waking up next to Shelby; seeing her uniquely angelic face, loving the way she gave her space in the middle of the night, but still kept some form of contact with her hand on her back or her toes softly brushing her calves. Something to remind her she was still there. That she wasn’t alone anymore.

 

Peppering feather-light kisses across her cheeks, nose and mouth, Audrey gently coaxed Shelby out of her slumber. Slowly blinking her crystal blue eyes open, Shelby grinned lazily before swiftly pulling Audrey to lay on top of her.

 

“Oh!” Audrey giggled. “Well good morning to you.”

 

“Morning...” Shelby murmured raspily as she kissed her nose then her lips. “Merry Christmas.”

 

“Merry Christmas, darling.”

 

Shelby smiled up at her dreamily, kissing her again and again as she slyly began to untuck Audrey’s shirt from her skirt. Audrey indulged in the warm touch of her fingertips venturing up her spine, melting into her sweet lips for a moment before reluctantly sitting up. 

 

“Mmm, don’t hate me. The house will be up any minute and my nephews don’t give a damn about privacy or closed doors.”

 

Shelby pouted with frustration, “Then...lock the door?”

 

Audrey smiled as she kissed her once more, moving to get off the bed. “There are no locks on the doors in this house…”

 

Shelby sat up, “What? Are you serious?”

 

“Yes, unfortunately. My childhood was very...unconventional. To say the least.”

 

Shelby chuckled, looking over at the clock on the bedside table. “Surely no one is up yet? It’s not even seven o’clock…”

 

Audrey glanced at the clock, shrugging her shoulders in half agreement. “Well, you never know with kids and Christmas…”

 

Shelby grinned as she tilted her head to the side. “Uh huh…” Leaning forward, she grabbed Audrey by the arm and pulled her into her lap, kissing her slowly. Audrey caved quickly as she straddled her hips, slipping her tongue into Shelby’s warm mouth for the first time in too long, fisting her hand in her hair. Wasting no time, Shelby tugged at her shirt again, this time with Audrey’s help. Breaking the kiss briefly, they successfully removed her top, flinging it over their heads before reconnecting their lips with smiles. 

 

“You’re breathtaking, you know that?” Shelby whispered into Audrey’s mouth. Biting her bottom lip in response, Audrey reached back to unhook her bra, desperately ready for more of Shelby’s mouth. 

 

But just as she went to untwist the hook, loud banging erupted on the other side of the door, before two small boys burst into the room.

 

“Auntie Audrey! Auntie Audrey! Santa came! Come see!!!” 

 

Completely mortified, Audrey frantically leaned over to grab the sheets to cover herself, while Shelby couldn’t help but laugh into her chest.

 

“Hunter! Braxton! Could you give your auntie Audrey a moment?” Luke yelled from the hallway, sounding just as embarrassed as the two women on the bed felt.

 

“Okay! But tell her to hurry!”, Hunter yelled back, running out of the room followed by his brother.

 

Stepping into the room, Luke’s cheeks turned bright red as he averted his gaze to the ceiling. “I am _so sorry_ ladies. They just got so excited and—”

 

“Luke, it’s fine! Will you just, close the door please? We’ll be out shortly…” Audrey pleaded, biting back a snicker as Shelby had already begun to lose it.

 

“Oh I, okay yes, I’m sorry I—”

 

“Luke!”

 

Finally taking the hint, he shut the door quickly, followed almost immediately by Audrey’s pained wails. Shelby was inconsolable.

 

“It’s not funny, it’s _humiliating_!” Audrey whined as she swatted Shelby’s shoulder that was now shaking with laughter. “I told you! They don’t give a damn!”

 

Giving her best serious face, Shelby replied, “No you’re right. It is. I’m so...” But that was all she could muster before falling back on the bed with her hands over her face, struggling to breathe as she giggled infectiously. 

 

“Oh for Christ’s sake,” Audrey scoffed as she moved to get up, but Shelby pulled her back down to lay on top of her. She gave her best scowl for about three seconds, before inevitably joining Shelby’s fits of laughter, tears running freely from the corners of her eyes.

 

***

 

About an hour later, Shelby and Audrey finally joined the rest of the family in the living room, trying their absolute best to blend in without calling more attention to themselves.

 

“Oh look who decided to join us…”

 

Shelby’s eyes grew wide blushing almost instantly, while Audrey kept her head high. “Oh we’re so _sorry_. Maybe if someone could get control of their…”

 

“Auntie! Auntie! Look what I got!”

 

Audrey shot her sister a glare before changing her tune for her nephew. “Oh my goodness! You must’ve been a very good boy this year…”

 

As they ripped through all of their gifts, the adults sat back and gave an “ohh” and an “ahh” whenever a new toy or clothing item was proudly shoved in their face by a beaming child. Shelby quietly nibbled on one of Margaret’s homemade cinnamon rolls, as Audrey sipped her third coffee of the morning. When things finally calmed down, everyone did their part to help clean up, with Audrey gathering the trash, and Shelby helping Trish with the dishes.

 

Falling into a comfortable silence, Trish washed as Shelby dried. Shelby could tell Trish wanted to say something, but she just continued to methodically wipe down each dish and place them in the drying rack.

 

“I’m um, sorry. About earlier…”

 

Shelby smiled, shaking her head. “Oh no, it’s okay, really. Audrey warned me about the locks…”

 

“Yeah,” Trish chuckled, setting down the plate in her hand. “But, still. I want you to know that...I really love how much you love my sister.”

 

Shelby stopped drying the mug in her hand as she caught her eyes, unsure of what to say.

 

“I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable...god, I know we can all be so overwhelming.”

 

“No, you’re not…”

 

“It’s just, ever since Rory and that whole nightmare...” Shelby pulled her lips into her mouth, painfully familiar with the life-altering trauma she was referring to. “She wasn’t herself for so long. We never saw her, truthfully. So I guess what I’m trying to say is...thank you. For bringing my sister back to life.”

 

Before Shelby could respond, Audrey walked into the kitchen obliviously. “Shelby, darling? We’d better get going. Dad says the weather is supposed to get brutal soon.”

 

“Uhm, yeah. I’ll be right there…” Shelby responded, voice subtly cracking with emotion.

 

When Audrey left the room, Shelby turned to look at Trish, receiving her warm hug. “Go...we can talk later. Wouldn’t want you to get caught in the storm,” she said with a wink. Squeezing her arm with gratitude, Shelby nodded, clenching her jaw as she fought back tears. “Thank you, Trish. You’ve been so kind.” 

 

Leaving the kitchen, Shelby felt those old ghosts beginning to creep into her mind. Telling her she was a fraud and that, if they really knew her, they wouldn’t want her anywhere near Audrey. She’d come so far, realizing her worth. Working through her issues in therapy to discover that she wasn’t damaged goods like the rest of the world might believe. She was far from perfect, but she knew one thing for certain: she loved Audrey fiercely and selflessly. And no matter what forces tried to convince her otherwise, she would cling to that fact as she clung to her sanity. Day after day, for the rest of her life.

 

Following Audrey back to their room, they both got dressed for the light mixture of rain and snow waiting for them outside. Shelby utilized her Christmas gifts, throwing on a beanie and scarf in addition to her cashmere gloves and pea-coat. Audrey did the same, bundling up before taking Shelby’s hand.

 

“Hey love...you alright? Did Trish say something to you? I swear to God…”

 

Shaking her head with a lopsided smile, Shelby replied, “No. Everything’s fine. More than fine.” Bringing her free hand up to Audrey’s cheek, she caressed her face with her thumb before kissing her sweetly.

 

“Let’s go home.”

 

***

 

After warm hugs and tearful goodbyes, Shelby and Audrey made it home just before the skies opened up, pouring down an icy concoction of slushy snow and rain. Once they were settled, Audrey made peppermint tea while Shelby laid out the fur blanket in front of the fireplace. Before Audrey could join her, she retrieved a small, velvet bag from the closet.

 

“Shelby Miller, what is that? I thought we agreed no gifts?”

 

Shrugging her shoulders innocently, Shelby reached for her tea. “It’s just a little something.”

 

Audrey squinted her eyes with a playful scowl. “Well, maybe I got you a little something, too.” Tongue in her cheek, she went to the kitchen for a moment, returning with a rectangular box, accented with a gold-rimmed ribbon.

 

Shelby’s mouth fell open in mock disapproval, reaching out her hand to help Audrey get settled on the blanket with her. With giddy smiles, they took each other’s gifts and examined them carefully.

 

“You first,” Shelby insisted, sipping her tea.

 

Quirking her head to the side with an open mouth, Audrey thought for a second before pulling the drawstring of the tiny bag. Inside, she found two vintage waterfall earrings. A small gasp left her throat, as she looked up at Shelby in shock.

 

“You...went back for them?”

 

_About a week after Shelby moved in, Audrey took her to one of her favorite marketplaces downtown. Hand in hand, they strolled in and out of different shops, stopping to try fresh pastries, tasting the sugar from each other’s lips between bites. One jewelry vendor in particular caught Audrey’s eye, but she insisted she was just window shopping that day. So when she saw them, she tried to hold back her whimper as she admired the earrings in her hands, examining them for quite some time. Shelby just smiled, kindly reminding her she was just looking today. Audrey nodded her head in defeated agreement, delicately hanging them back up where she found them. Before they went to catch their train to head home, Shelby told Audrey to go ahead while she found a bathroom, when she was really returning to the vendor to purchase the earrings._

 

“I did,” she replied sheepishly. “Here, try them on.”

 

Audrey nodded with a giddy lip bite, as she handed the earrings to Shelby to put them on for her.

 

“Gorgeous…” Shelby whispered as her hands trailed down her neck. Audrey thought about getting up to find a mirror, but decided to tenderly cup Shelby’s jaw instead, kissing her one, two, three times as a silent thank you. Shelby sighed into the kiss, grateful that she made the right choice. In more ways than one.

 

“Here, open yours.”

 

Picking up the gift, she undid the ribbon, opening the box filled with sparkly white tissue paper. Setting it in her lap, she used both hands to finally unveil a stunning picture frame. Tears began to well in her eyes.

 

“Audrey...how did you?”

 

“Your little sister is quite the sleuth. She found it at your mother’s, mailed it and everything. I owe her a drink,” Audrey laughed.

 

Lightly running her fingers over the photo, Shelby looked down at her father holding her hand on the beach at six-years-old. He was young, with a full head of shaggy blonde hair and tan skin. It was Shelby’s favorite picture of them together, despite it being the back of their heads. It was her happy place.

 

“I—I don’t know what to say…” Shelby said quietly, tears flowing freely. 

 

“I figured it would help make this place feel more like home for you. Of course we can add more things of yours over—”

 

Before she could finish, Shelby slowly wrapped her arms around her waist, pulling her in for a tight hug. 

 

“Thank you...thank you. It’s...perfect.”

 

Chest tightening with pure love and adoration, Audrey hugged her back, nuzzling her face into her hair. She felt like a raw, exposed nerve, never wanting to let her go. After a minute or so of content silence, she suggested they go find a place to hang the picture. Shelby silently agreed, helping Audrey up before going to find a hammer and nail. Eventually deciding on a place in the kitchen, Shelby easily set the nail, before reaching back to retrieve the frame from Audrey. Seeing Shelby be so effortlessly handy, she reminisced over her and her father bonding over cabinets and woodwork. 

 

“So, you and dad seemed to really hit it off...”

 

Huffing a laugh, Shelby replied, “Yeah, who’d have thought we’d bond over homemaking.” 

 

After hanging the picture, she could feel Audrey’s prolonged gaze. Squinting curiously, she walked over to where Audrey stood leaning against the counter with her arms crossed.

 

“What?”

 

“Oh nothing…” Audrey responded, looping her arms around the taller woman’s neck. “I just...can't wait to make a home with you.”

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> words can't even begin to express how much i've loved writing this story for you guys. each and every comment here or on twitter/tumblr have meant so much and really encouraged me to continue when things got rough. hopefully this inspired some to give shaudrey a go, and maybe even to write this pair themselves!
> 
> big BIG shout out to my ride or dies that stuck through this with me from the beginning, when it was just drabble involving yoga pants and dramatic eye rolls. phoebe and sam - genuinely could not have done it without you two, literal angels.
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this fluffy little bow tying up this journey. i definitely hope to continue their story in the future. THANK YOU ALL!


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